"I'm in charge!"
This is a realization
that some submissives have from the
beginning and that hits others like a
thunderbolt.
The Dominant has Control,
but the submissive chooses to be under it.
The submissive chooses to kneel, and sets
limits within which the Dominant controls
what happens. In time, trust grows and the
scope of that control will grow with it.
In a sane, safe and consensual
relationship, a submissive has control over how far she
submits and within what limits. It is confidence in this
control, which is expressed as trust in her Dominant, that
allows her to truly submit.
This includes having control over:
Safe
Sexual Practices;
Stages
in the Transfer of Power;
Involvement of Witnesses or Participants;
Creation
of Photographed, Videotaped or Other Evidence of
Activities.
A submissive also has the right to be
well and truly used, to have as much power as she wants to
give taken, and to be taken on explorations of all the
realms of experience that this power exchange will open.
A Dominant can also balk at any
crossing of a boundary in these regards, and is just as
capable of having limits physical or emotional. And if a
Dominant does have needs or limits that may impinge on the
relationship, He must disclose these factors up front.
Whether they be limits on the extent of commitment He can
make, a need to acquire other submissives or the need to
work towards commitment and focus on monogamy. One
person's limit is another's prize.
Beware anyone who starts
any statement with "a good submissive/slave
would...." and completes it with anything
that would not be applicable to Dominant and
Master as well, such as "be truthful,
honest, passionate, caring and committed". A
recurring issue in this regard is the
Dominant who informs a slave that He desires
to have another slave - and responds to her
concerns with the answer "if you are a good
slave you will accept this."
A "good slave" is good within her
limits. This has nothing to do with whether or not she
accepts particular forms of play or types of relationship.
She should never confuse her true worth with how well she
meets one Dominant's expectations. This is easier to do
than it seems, for part of what a submissive wants is the
affirmation of praise and accomplishment in a Dominant's
eyes; manipulative people seek to abuse this desire by
convincing a submissive that surrendering on such issues
is a test of their quality.
Potential partners need to have similar
expectations and D/s typically includes exploring a
variety of sexual practices. Whether it is sexual acts
such as fellatio or anal intercourse or SM acts such as
discipline and bondage, everyone has the 'buttons' they
want pushed, and some they need pushed. Part of the fun of
D/s is realizing just how many buttons there are and the
combinations of effects they can produce.
These factors decide whether or not two
people are suited to each other, not whether or not they
are "good" submissives or slaves or Dominants or Masters.
If a Dominant announces
to a submissive after many months that she
should accept Him taking another slave; she
is not being a bad slave to refuse, He is
being a poor Dominant to leave telling her
that he is not monogamous so late. Everyone
should tell each other early in a
relationship about their longer term needs
and expectations.
The success of a
relationship depends not on the totality of
a submissive's surrender or the completeness
of a Dominant's Mastery, but on the ability
to discuss, to amend and develop, to grow
and to find mutually desirable ways of
expressing needs and exploring desires.
To develop together what erotic power
exchange will mean for you.
In time a submissive can
trust her Dominant to make the right
decisions in these regards. They will be the
right decisions because with enough time He
knows her well enough to make the right
decision about her, and His temperament is
such it will be the right decision for her
as well as Him.
A submissive has the right to trust her
Dominant, and to have that trust based on open
communication, honesty and gradually accumulated
experience. No Dominant can expect a submissive to blindly
entrust Him with power over her mind or body. No sane
Dominant expects this trust blindly or immediately - not
only is it unreasonable, but it cheapens it.
This trust is
a precious trust. There is a wonderful warmth of feeling a
Dominant has knowing they have received the gift of trust
and submission from an intelligent, perceptive and strong
human being because they believe you are worth it.
As someone once said to me of their
choice of partner,
"I chose him not just because I thought
he would always do what he thought was right, but because
I knew it would be right."
Rob Hart,
all rights reserved, 1998, 2000.
Posted here with
permission of the author.
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