A submissives journey

I have many hot buttons when it comes to the BDSM community. One of the biggest is one-true-wayism. Whether it's "What I do is kink, what you do is perversion", or "You don't do *this*, so you aren't a real *that*", or my very favorite, "I'm Old Guard, so what I do is better than what you do", that kind of attitude just pisses me off. Those attitudes are also pretty obvious.

Somewhat less obvious and perhaps more insidious are what I call universal assumptions. The "it works for me, therefore it MUST work for everyone" syndrome. Some common ones are "everyone practices SSC", "all the best dom/mes are former subs", "everyone should use safe words", and the one I'm going to address here, that punishment is a necessary part of a power exchange dynamic.

I don't do punishment. Now before I'm hoisted by my own petard, I am not saying that punishment can not or should not be part of a BDSM relationship, only that it need not be. I also need to make it clear that I am not talking about role play punishment. The sub deliberately misbehaving so the dom/me can pretend to be angry as an excuse for a nice spanking scene is fine if you are into that sort of thing. I'm talking about serious infractions or failures on the part of the submissive which require some sort of action from the dominant partner.

I suppose I should also take a moment to define my terms, as so many of us define things differently. For the purposes of this essay, I am using the term "submissive", in the most general way, as the person in a power exchange relationship who is the obeyer, rather than the orderer. I also tend to use the dominant male/submissive female model, as that is what I identify with.

There are a great many who believe that submissives are by nature either weak or childlike, and that part of the dominant's role must therefore be parental in nature. Now I agree that many submissives do fit one or both of those descriptions, but many do not. There are some dominants who indeed seek out such submissives. That's fine. If you ENJOY punishment, either giving or receiving, or NEED punishment in order to be happy, then great. Find someone who feels the same way about punishment, and enjoy. I however, do not seek out weak or childlike women. Just the opposite. I have two children already, I don't need a third. In fact, my children are so well behaved that I almost never have to punish THEM.

Here's a possibly radical thought. I expect my submissive to obey me. There is no "or else". When a woman submits to me, I expect it is because she has given it a great deal of thought and intends to obey me. There should be no need for punishment. If for some reason I am then not obeyed, I see that as a problem that needs to be identified and addressed. Why was I not obeyed? Did my sub put in her best effort and simply fail? Did something happen that was beyond her control to prevent her from obeying? Did I give her an order which she felt was outside the bounds of our relationship? Did she simply not do it, or not do it to my satisfaction?

Each of these things are problems, which brings me to my next important point. The difference between correction and punishment. Again for the purposes of this essay, I define correction as a course of action designed to solve a problem, and punishment as an unpleasant method for paying her back for failing. Correction can include punishment, but need not. Punishment may correct a problem, but need not.

So let's break this down. I give an order. The order isn't obeyed. What happens next? In my relationships, what happens next is communication. I need to identify the reason for her failure to obey, and come up with a way to correct the problem. Most of the time, correction is quite simple. So, I discuss the matter with her, hopefully calmly and rationally. If some sort of emotional upset is involved, I will usually wait until things have calmed down a bit, to facilitate ease of communication.

If the failure came after a legitimate effort to comply, then perhaps further instruction, more practice, or some help might be required. I may have assigned her a task she simply wasn't able to do, despite her best effort. In that case, correction would most likely consist of my modifying the order, or providing her necessary assistance. If some outside unforeseeable circumstance prevented her from obeying, then correction would entail dealing with that circumstance, thus removing it as an obstacle.

If she felt that an order was outside the agreed upon boundaries (if you are in a relationship which has such boundaries), then a discussion would definitely be in order. Was there a difference in understanding of what that boundary was? Was there a misunderstanding of the order? In any case, if I felt the order was valid, and she didn't, clearly some sort of resolution would be necessary. This could potentially be serious, or might be easily resolved, but not without discussion. Once the misunderstanding was cleared up, the order could be modified, withdrawn, or obeyed.

The last instance, in which she simply didn't obey, or obey completely, without a valid reason, is the most serious. Here you have a woman who chose to be in a relationship where obedience is both mandatory and desirable for both of you, choosing to then not be obedient. This is the type of situation where many would use punishment. "I told you to do something. You didn't do it, without a good reason."

The thing is though, that there is a reason, it's just not an obvious one. It may be that she doesn't know why herself. And in all likelihood, she already feels badly for not obeying. Punishment is not going to address or correct whatever that hidden problem is, and in fact may make things worse. Communication is the answer here, not retribution. Why is this woman who desires to be obedient, not being so? There aren't always easy answers to this. It may come down to it simply being the wrong relationship.

What all this boils down to is, if you have a power exchange relationship between two mature adults, communication is the most effective problem solver. If you WANT to include punishment because it gets you off, by all means throw it into the mix. I happen to not find it desirable, and don't seek out the type of woman with whom it would be necessary. To each their own.

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