A submissives journey - How to do your own Dominant submissive BDSM Munch"

Over the last several years, munches have become one way for kink-minded folk to meet one another. These informal gatherings can trace their origins to a woman named STella™. She posted an article on the old Internet SM newsgroup, alt.sex.bondage back in 1992 saying that she would be at a take-out place in Palo Alto, California (near San Francisco) called Kirk's and anyone in the area was welcome to join her. Several people joined her that evening and the "burgermunch" as it was known then was born.

Now, munches happen not just in the US, but all over the world. Munches work because they give kink-minded people an opportunity to meet in an informal environment. They also are less work to maintain than an organized SM group because of this informality.

Recently, a couple of online friends in the Eastern US told me they were thinking of organizing munches in their own areas, but had no idea where to start in doing one. I started thinking how I could help them, and decided to ask three friends of mine what advice they would give on starting and maintaining successful munches. All three friends have run succesful munches either in the recent past or currently.

One of them is Vicki. She runs the Los Altos munch every Thursday evening. This munch is the direct 'descendant' of the original "Burgermunch." Her advice on starting and running munches was direct: "Choose a location, decide on basic rules, and advertise to local BDSM groups. Also, always be there, be patient and consistent until you are able to determine that the time and place is right or wrong."

Another friend I spoke with is Strider| who most of you probably know from channel. Strider| has run a couple different munches in Portland and currently runs the Creston Park munches in the spring & summer months there. Strider had four main suggestions for running munches.

Announcements. Advertise to local, regional and even national bdsm lists. National lists are great because people travel and it can be fun to meet with people from other areas. Flyers can also be posted at bdsm and "classy" adult stores in the area (like Crimson Phoenix, for example in Portland).Don't leave them in the standard porn shops because you will attract a potentially unsavory crowd; for example, "vanilla het males" who may cause problems. (Author's note: I remember attending a munch where a new person decided it would be really cool to tie up an underage female!! YIKES!!!) If the town you're in has other alternative lifestyle groups like Gay/Lesbian or Transgender groups, they probably have Leather members who would also be interested in attending.
Consistency. Always have them on the same day, time and place. "Floating" munches have been tried and usually never work.
Appropriate setting. It should be in a place that is accessible to people all over town, on a major road and transit. The food should be good, offer a variety, and be relatively inexpensive. A place that is secluded and has a reservable back room is preferable. Tip the waitstaff well and they'll love you! Parking, handicapped/age access, smoking/nonsmoking and should also be considered.
Hosting. A designated host should attend every Munch to keep things running smoothly, make newcomers feel comfortable and discourage behavior that might get you kicked out of the restaurant. Attendees should know in advance who this person is and what you can "get away with".

I also spoke with our channel's own caryl. caryl has hosted many succesful munches in Southern California and has helped start munches in other areas. She offered the following suggestions.

She first suggested starting a munch mailing list. www.onelist.com is a good place to do this..many munch lists are run through onelist. Then get the word out about the list specifying it's for the area you want to do the munch is and get the word out through local, regional and national lists and Internet newsgroups like soc.subculture.bondage.bdsm and that real life meetings are planned. Advertising the list and the munch are important.

Did you know, the Asj Community hosts Dominant submissive and BDSM ‘Lifestyle Classes and Discussions’ here online every Sunday and Wednesday evening at 9:00 pm Eastern Time. The Classes and Discussions are open to all and Free to attend. Visit our Members Only Pages for more information, or click any of our “ask live” icons to ask for more information.

Chat on the list and make everyone feel welcome!! Make sure their presence and thoughts are welcomed and appreciated and once there is conversation on the list going on, find a location, book a time for the munch (make sure it's a time that most people can get to) and show up there. There may only be 3 or 4 people there, but if these people talk about lots of things and have a great time, they will post to the list the next day how wonderful it was and that will make it that much easier to set up a date and time for the next one.

caryl also suggests making ground-rules for the munches. Taking into account how public the location is, set rules on what kinds of clothing and behavior is appropriate. If the area is conservative, the more conservative and discrete the behavior and dress, the more comfortable all will feel.

I've heard of munches in family restaurants where people have shown up wearing collars and leashes and doing 'mini' scenes! Even in a fairly liberal area, this is a bad idea, as even though the munch attendees may think it's really cool, you will undoubtedly upset folk that are neither interested or comfortable with watching your 'scene!'

If folks are interested in playing or doing more in depth discussions, folks can arrange to move off to another location after the munch is over.

Encourage RSVPs but take into account that it's typical that 5 RSVPs mean 30 are showing up, and none of them are the ones who RSVP'd. caryl agrees with Strider that tipping the waiter/ waitress well is a good area, because good areas for munches are hard to find and keep. The more consistent your location and scheduling is, the better. Don't expect separate checks. Instead, make sure that the bill starts getting passed around the table early with reminders to make sure that all drinks are added into totals and for everyone to be generous with their tipping.

I know personally that another SF Bay Area munch recently started doing much the same thing. In fact, the waitress asked all of us to finish ordering early, so as to avoid any confusion about who ordered what, who is paying for what at the evening's end, etc.

You can also do nametags!! Though I've never seen this done at a munch, it's a great idea. You can color code them, blue for tops/doms and red for subs/bottoms (of course what color do you give switches? (g)) or you can skip that, but either way, people need to be able to identify who is who.

Have the organizer and later some of the regulars make sure they show up a half hour early to welcome people to the munch. People will be scared, so encourage them gently both on the mailing list and also when they arrive. Introduce people to each other and encourage people to move around the table or from table to table to meet and chat with folks who aren't sitting close.

You'll make it easier on new folks if there's someone waiting to greet them outside or just inside the door. DON'T make them try to find your group in a busy restaurant, as many will just leave.

Reserve your space as "computer users group" or "internet group" or something very vanilla and casual and mark the table in some way, whether with a black balloon or something else that you've announced they should look for.

Author's note: This advice can sometimes backfire as what happened to me at a munch a few months ago. A man asked me what kind of group it was. I told him it was a computer group and he wanted to know more, pressing me to find out if it was Windows or Mac, etc. EEK! He did finally leave, and I mentioned it to a couple others there who said that in the future, just to say it was a group of friends that knew each other from the 'Net! Of course I'm sure if I had just said "Oh we're a bunch of people into whips and chains, he would have left, never to be seen again!

Make sure too at the end of the evening to have trusted folks who will escort females to their cars!

Be willing to meet people one on one either early before the munch or for coffee on a different day so they can see you're just "normal folk" and to make them both feel comfortable about coming to the munch and also so they know *someone* before arriving.

Expect difficulties and be ready to step in to escort someone out if they cause trouble or help with personality conflicts or to warn someone that their dress or behavior is not welcome there. Also expect problems with your location and always be on the look out for an alternate place in case of problems.

I want to thank Vicki, Strider| and caryl for their suggestions. In the 90s, BDSM is enjoying a popularity it never had before. The Internet and munches have a lot to do with that, because both have truly allowed a lot more people than ever before to find out they're "not alone" in being kinky.

Questions about our site? Click the ask live icon to chat live or leave a message with our site host. CJ isn't always available, but generally you can find Him here from about 8:30 - 11:00 pm Eastern time. Your questions about the site, the Asj community or just about the lifestyle in general are always welcome. If nothing else, take a moment and tell us what you think of this feature!

Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!