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Limitations and Personal Growth
Author: Rover
My usual disclaimer applies.
These are simply My personal musings regarding a Dominant submissive (D/s) topic. It works in My
relationships, but certainly does not work in all relationships. As Y/you
read, think about what may or may not work for Y/you in Y/your unique
relationship. Take what makes sense for Y/you, and discard the rest.
I've participated in and observed a hundred discussions on limits. In each
of those discussions, the conversation focused exclusively upon physical
limits - limits for activities and scenes. While it's vital to know and
explore those limits, I find that to focus so exclusively upon them
ignores another vital aspect of the Dominant submissive relationship.
It's true
that Dominants are responsible for their submissive's lifestyle growth,
and truth be known, that's an important part of a Dominant submissive relationship. Yet
it's still just a part of it. And when Y/you stop to think, while it's an
important and vital part, it's actually a very small part. How much time
do W/we spend scening? Maybe five percent, if W/we're lucky?
Now,
I'm not in any way trying to diminish the importance of limits for that
five percent of O/our lives. Establishing them, exploring them,
discovering them, and even expanding them when appropriate (ie: not hard
limits) are vital functions in a healthy D/s relationship. However, no
matter how important they may be, it only covers that five percent of
O/our lives. What of the other 95 %?
As Dominants, We are not
charged with simply the lifestyle growth of Our submissives. Our
obligations, responsibilities and commitments go far beyond that five
percent of O/our D/s lives together. That's one of the things that
differentiates a D/s relationship from a BDSM play partner. No, I'm not
saying one is better than the other, just different. In a D/s
relationship, We Dominants accept the responsibility for the other 95 % of
Our submissive's lives, and make a commitment to their personal growth as
well as their lifestyle growth. Just as in their BDSM activities,
submissives have limits in their personal lives that need to be
discovered, explored, and expanded when appropriate. Because the term
"limits" has become so closely associated with BDSM activities, I prefer
to call these personal limits "limitations".
Limitations stand in
the way of O/our personal growth every bit as much as limits in BDSM
activities. Like those BDSM limits, some limitations are hard limits that
should never be touched, but most personal limitations simply hold U/us
back from achieving O/our full potential. They are the cause of
frustration and the obstacle to achievement and success. They can affect
relationships with friends and family. They can affect employment and
career advancement. They can affect the enjoyment of hobbies and
activities. They can even be limitations to enjoying a full and loving
relationship. In short, these personal limitations affect most every area
of O/our lives.
As We Dominants take on that full responsibility
within a D/s relationship, We also take on the responsibility to help find
those limiting factors in Our submissive's lives. Generally speaking, what
is evident to Us is a symptom of that limitation. We should take
particular note whenever Our submissives says they "can't" do something.
Whenever they denigrate their own capabilities. Whenever they express
frustration or a desire to quit something. Whenever they exhibit signs of
changes in their lives, like a new hairstyle or a new clothing style.
Whenever there is a change in body language, posture, or the manner in
which they communicate, or not communicate. Whenever there is a change in
an established pattern to their lives. Those are signs of someone that
wants to change something about themselves. And those are also signs that
something is limiting their lives, and they are choosing to change
themselves in ways that does nothing to overcome that limitation.
There may be limitations from previous bad relationships. There may be
limitations of self doubt. There may be limitations of fear. There may be
limitations of understanding. The list is endless. And the cause of those
limitations may differ considerably. So, in addressing those limitations,
it's important not to chase a never ending litany of symptoms. We must dig
deep at times to find the source of those limitations, and address that
source directly.
That digging process is called communication.
Talking about the limitations. Finding those sources together. Don't
assume that submissives know the source of their limitations, because in
many cases they don't. Discover them together, and provide plenty of
reassurance along the way. It may be helpful to keep a list of those
limitations as they are discovered, and to prioritize them. Exhibit pride
in Your submissive as progress is made, and especially when a limitation
is overcome.
Fear and self doubt are two common limiting factors in
many submissive's lives. It's vital for submissive to know that overcoming
them, does not necessarily mean that fear and self doubt will cease to
exist, but that they will grow to the point that they can act in spite of
them, and no longer allow fear and self doubt to limit them. I like to use
the analogy of jumping off the high board at the swimming pool. It's
frightening to stand at the top and think about jumping. It's easy to
doubt one's ability to jump while standing up there. And it's precisely
the thinking about it that causes many people to turn around and go back
down the ladder. Overcoming that fear of jumping does not mean that the
fear ceases to exist. It simply means that the fear no longer limits O/our
ability to actually jump. In this example, the fear can become an
enjoyment all it's own, and becomes more closely associated with
excitement. It's always there, no matter how often one makes the jump. But
it has been overcome in that it no longer limits one from jumping. And in
the process, one no longer doubts their ability to jump. Each successive
time they climb that ladder, they know they can and will jump. That's
growth. That's overcoming a limitation.
I would love to see more
discussions in open forums about limitations in O/our lives, and certainly
more discussions within relationships about them. D/s relationships do not
revolve around BDSM activities, as enjoyable as they may be. The rest of
life, of living together in a D/s lifestyle, occupies much more of O/our
time together. The limitations W/we have in that 95 % of O/our lives that
is not spent scening, have a far greater impact upon the quality of O/our
lives and O/our relationships. Let's place a greater emphasis upon
personal growth, and O/our limitations. Not to exclude BDSM limits, but to
make sure that personal limitations also get the attention that they
deserve.

"Discipline,
like the bridle in the hand of a good rider, should exercise its influence
without appearing to do so; should be ever active, both as a support and as a
restraint, yet seem to lie easily in hand. It must always be ready to
check or to pull up, as occasion may require; and only when the horse is a
runaway should the action of the curb be perceptible".
~unknown~
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