Letters from your sisters
The Asj community offers a wide range of resources available to anyone within the D/s lifestyle, regardless of role or level of experience. One of the most important aspects of this web site is to provide advice to novice submissive women from more experienced submissive women (and also from a few others considered knowledgeable about the D/s Lifestyle). Although the Asj site may not always 100% agree with the information presented, overall we do find it beneficial, and just because we have our view about the D/s Lifestyle, that doesn't mean there aren't other views equally acceptable.
CJ
Shanie's Letter
"The One True Way Syndrome"
Hi to all my subbie sisters!
Recently at a play party, a Dominant asked me about the necklace I was
wearing. My necklace is a black silk cord that holds a leather tab in
the shape of a heart. Resting on the leather tab is the key to my
collar. When my Master and I are apart, since we are not 24/7, I wear my
key and he keeps my collar - when we play, he locks the collar on me and
he wears the key. When I explained this to the inquiring Dom, he kind of
sniffed and said, "Well that's not the way people usually do things."
Uh-oh. Maybe we missed that particular passage in the Dominant submissive Bible: "Thou shalt not do things in an unusual manner." But of course, no such rule
exists, outside of people's heads, and there are plenty of other similar
examples to be found in all aspects of BDSM.
In this wide world of ours, there is too much diversity among people for
there to be one set of rules. The same is definitely true of the BDSM
community. What works for one Master and his slave may not work for the
next, and so on. There is no "One True Way" of being a Master or slave
even though some people may think so. As a novice submissive, you will
discover your own particular style as you gain experience. A kind Dominant
will delight in your individuality and will help you discover and
develop the style that enhances your sensuality and submission, even as
he hones you for the particular services he desires.
Since there is such a diversity in style, it may take a while for you to
decide what suits you. Do you fantasize about being a slave of Gor? Do
you want to live and serve a Dom every hour of every day? These are all
things to be learned on your journey. Unfortunately, sometimes the
things we fantasize about in our hearts don't work very well in the real
world. For example, I fantasize about living with a Dom, serving him
24/7 and being constantly at his beck and call, but aside from the real
life impracticalities of that, I know my temperament would not allow for
it! You may meet Doms who also have their own set of fantasies, and if
you find enough common ground to make it work, great! But if it doesn't,
it just means that it is not your style and you should not feel any
sense of failure.
If you are a novice submissive, you probably feel very eager and anxious
to finally get to try all these wonderful things you've always yearned
for. Don't be afraid of opportunities to explore, but please be aware of
some of the biases that exist out there. You may run into Doms who tell
you that in order to be a "real slave" you must do certain things. In
his book _Ties That Bind_, Guy Baldwin gives an example of a sub who,
trying to prove that he was a "real slave," was arrested for performing
a task that an irresponsible "Dom" gave him. A good general rule is: If
you doubt it, don't do it. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
Serving a Dom should give you joy, not cause you (or anyone else) mental
anguish or physical harm.
This isn't to say that even a considerate, compassionate Dom might not
give you difficult tasks, but remember that he will be watching out for
your well-being behind that sadistic grin!
The two most important things you can learn going into the scene are
open communication and negotiation. If you are able to communicate
honestly with a Dom and tell him your limits, desires, and experience,
it will help both of you get more of what you want. Negotiation,
especially with someone new, can hardly be stressed enough. As a novice
sub, you may not know all your limits yet - this is part of the learning
process. But as you discover them, along with your hot buttons, be sure
to share them with a potential Dom. This level of honesty and
transparency can be a little scary at first if you're not used to it -
in our society, open talk about sex is quite rare. However, I know from
personal experience that it can be very rewarding!
In your negotiation, be absolutely sure that you have a safeword--some
clear signals to slow or stop the play. I have encountered Dom-wannabes
who told me that I would have no need for a safeword. If that happens,
run, do not walk, and do not consider playing with him. If you feel you
need to use your safeword, then do it - again, it is for your safety and
comfort and you should not feel like a failure if you end up needing to
use it. My own Master once punished me for *not* using a safeword when I
felt I should have. Safewords are used for all sorts of reasons: we all
have to pee; our hands (or other body parts) may fall asleep in bondage;
sometimes a scene just doesn't work for one partner or the other. In any
of those cases (along with others) a safeword should be used.
One more bit of advice: it's usually best to play with a new partner for
the first time at a party or other larger gathering, rather than
one-on-one. This gives you a chance to get to know them a little and to
start building trust between the two of you, and since there are usually
more experienced players at parties, you will have others there who can
intervene if something goes wrong.
The more experienced players in the scene are always ready and available
to help answer your questions and address concerns - never hesitate to
approach one of us if you need. Have fun and play safe!
shanie
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