Letters from your sisters
The Asj community offers a wide range of resources available to anyone within the D/s lifestyle, regardless of role or level of experience. One of the most important aspects of this web site is to provide advice to novice submissive women from more experienced submissive women (and also from a few others considered knowledgeable about the D/s Lifestyle). Although the Asj site may not always 100% agree with the information presented, overall we do find it beneficial, and just because we have our view about the D/s Lifestyle, that doesn't mean there aren't other views equally acceptable.
CJ
Pam's Letter
I
am about to tell you the story of how I got involved in the Dominant
submissive (D/s) and SM lifestyle. I
hope with this story, maybe you can avoid some of the hard times and
enter into this wonderfully kinky new world with your eyes opened just a
bit wider.
About 15 years ago, my friend and I went to a night club. The two men we
met there were very unusual as we came to find out. I was drawn to the
taller one by his confidence. He just seemed to have a certain something
that made me feel young and excited. Later that evening, he swept me
into his arms and kissed me in a way I had never felt before. My knees
buckled. He told me then that I was his and he would do what he wanted
with me.
Through the next couple of months, even though I didn't realize it, he
was training me to be his submissive...His slave....He showed me how he
liked his meals prepared. He gave me a job with his company. He moved me
and my kids into his house. He made love to me in ways I never imagined
before.
Before long, his approval is what I lived for. He would call from work
and tell me to be waiting for him when he arrived. I knew what he meant
by this. I would be naked on the bed when he arrived home so he could
have access to me in any way he wanted. I was heady with anticipation,
knowing that the man I loved wanted me in this way.
Sounds like a fantasy, doesn't it? Well fantasies sometimes are much
better in one's imagination than they are in reality. The reality was
that I was made a slave without knowing what I was getting into fully.
Yes, he gave me great orgasms. Yes, I loved the excitement of the sm
play. But, I am about to tell you how this relationship went very wrong.
I had never agreed to be his slave. I didn't even know what that meant.
The enslavement was so gradual that I barely noticed it. I did start to
notice that my friends weren't calling anymore. I noticed that I never
thought about anything but pleasing him. I noticed him out all night
while I waited home full of anger and jealousy. And when the
relationship ended...I certainly noticed that I had no home, job, car or
boyfriend anymore. He had used emotional blackmail to keep me just where
he wanted me.
After I finally regained my shattered self esteem, I decided I would
seek out nice, normal men for my relationships. I did this for 12 years.
I realized that the man who had left me shattered had done something
else too....He awakened a part of me that is so vital to me that I did
not want to be without it in my life.
What do I do about it? Where do I find people who think like this? Can
it be done without ruining my self esteem? Am I just really strange? Do
I need therapy to get over this?
With all of the faults that AOL and online folks have, I bless them for
showing me how to find the people who are like me. I found some chat
rooms where people were talking about the things I had kept hidden so
long. I also found resources for real life such as places to buy books
about D/s, discussion groups, SM clubs, classes, and a wonderful group
called Janus which is dedicated to education and support in these areas.
I found out that the motto in the 'scene' itself was 'Safe, Sane and
Consensual'..Yippeee! That's just what I wanted.
At first I was way too eager. I met some online Doms and had some
mediocre scenes and one very scary experience. I made some big mistakes.
I met the man at his house. I had a call set up with a friend but by the
time the man hurt me, it was too late. Luckily, I survived it and am
here to hopefully tell you how to avoid being hurt. I don't consider
that a 'Bad' scene because I learned from it. I learned that we can be
submissive and still protect ourselves. A good Dominant will appreciate
the fact that we are taking care of ourselves in this way.
I started reading all the books on the subject I could find. I started
talking to other submissive women who had been into this much longer
than I had, I started talking to Dominant men who were available to help
but not looking for new subs. I joined a couple of D/s groups for
support. I finally realized that before I could play or find a Master, I
needed to find myself. To decide what it was I thought I wanted. To
decide what things I liked and which I hated. I wrote letters to myself
so I wouldn't forget these things later when I was all mushy talking to
a DomGuy.
One of the best things I did was go to some classes on negotiation and
setting limits. I am lucky here in San Francisco that we have lots of
resources for people into this. I understand that such classes are
popping up all over the country.
When I started playing casually again. I did it mostly at SM clubs. I
let the owners of the club and the dungeon monitors know I was with
someone new so they could keep an close eye on me.
I also made up a limit sheet for casual play. This list has three
categories:
1) What I need during a scene.
2) What I like during a scene.
3) What I will not do during a scene.
This was hard to write since I didn't have much experience. I used a
book called "the Bottoming Book" by Catherine A. Lizst and Dossie Easton
to give me ideas on how to write this list.
I had so much fun! I loved playing with interesting people. The
sensations they gave me were fabulous. I even learned how to Top people
myself and bought some toys of my own.
What I finally had to come to terms with is this. I love the casual play
but what I really wanted was a Master. I was patient ( okay so I wasn't
but I waited anyway). I let people know what I wanted and what I had to
offer. I came close a couple of times to having a Master but the energy
just didn't seem to be quite right. Finally my search paid off. I have a
wonderful Master now who loves me and protects me. Our relationship is
still changing and becoming deeper. I am so glad I waited for him. I am
not sure if our relationship will last a lifetime, but he doesn't steal
my soul away and keep me only as his slave. He celebrates my
independence and my humor. I know that if he and I end..I will still be
a whole person. I am finally who I really am inside. Even if we end, I
will still have that.
I wish you luck in your explorations. I hope you keep yourself safe and
healthy. I know your future dominant wishes that for you also.
Pam
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