A submissives journey

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Letters from your sisters

The Asj community offers a wide range of resources available to anyone within the D/s lifestyle, regardless of role or level of experience.  One of the most important aspects of this web site is to provide advice to novice submissive women from more experienced submissive women (and also from a few others considered  knowledgeable about the D/s Lifestyle).  Although the Asj site may not always 100% agree with the information presented, overall we do find it beneficial, and just because we have our view about the D/s Lifestyle, that doesn't mean there aren't other views equally acceptable.

                                                             CJ

Lynn's Letter 

What Color is your Submission

Somehow, you've browsed your way into a site that says it's for the "Heterosexual Novice Submissive Woman." Either you are here on purpose, or you'll run like the hounds are after you once you've figured out what we're talking about.

If you're here on purpose, welcome. If you fit the title--that "novice submissive" bit, then you'll find some good stuff here. I strongly dislike that phrase, by the way--it makes us sound all shiny and new, trembling with fear, desperately looking for guidance and that's probably not true of anyone who takes even their first steps into the world of SM. Besides, it reminds me of nuns.

Why submission?

Why? Well, it's sure not because we're all shy little blushing flowers who are just staying at home and dreaming of a "real man" taking control over our lives. Most of us are anything *but* submissive in our daily lives. Let's be clear here; we're talking about *erotic* submission, or *sexual* submission.

Actually, I don't much like the term "submission" for lots of the things we do in SM. There are as many people who would more properly be called "bottoms" for their tastes for erotic pain and/or bondage as actually play at "submitting" to anything or anyone. Most of us line up too eagerly for it to be said that we're submitting! But we've got to call it something, and it seems that "submission" includes "bottoming", but not so the other way 'round. In general, I'll use the term to include those who get "done to" in their fantasies as well as those who submit to, or who are obedient to. It makes it easier to write, and I think that many of the concerns for someone just becoming active in the SM scene are the same no matter what the play style.

I don't have an answer to the "why" question. I don't much care, either, though some people like to debate this stuff all day. I get off by being tied up and hurt, and I like to put my emotional self into it as well. I cheerfully admit that I'm kinky, and go from there.

Now, there are places all over the web where you'll find discussions about one possible way of being submissive. There are slaves, brats, sensation junkies, bondage bottoms and pain sluts. There are Goreans, Greco-Romans, masochists and sensualists. It's cool that they're all out there; otherwise some of Baskin-Robbins' best would go untasted, but unfortunately, many of them imply that their style of play is the One True Way, or that any other way is just for wimps.

It ain't so. There Is No Such Thing As One True Way. If I have any one thing to say to newcomers in the scene; it's that. Don't listen to the people who tell you there is only one way to do something or that you're "doing it wrong". There may be one way of submitting that gets *you* off, but the whipping the guy next to you at the party is getting is just as important to him, and just as much "submission" as the boot-licking job you're doing on your Master's new engineer's boots. If some guy tells you you're not a "real slave" because you wore clothing when he visited your master for coffee the other day, he's wrong (and you probably ought to mention it to your master, too--his friend is a jerk). Harder isn't better. More intense isn't better.

Sure, try new things. But you have to know yourself, and your kink so that you can make good decisions about *which* new things to try. And, if you feel like your partner is trying to get you to do something that you have strong feelings against, it's time to leave.

Now, for all our differences in style, there are some similar experiences we've all had and obstacles we've almost all had to overcome.

First of all, while some submissive women seem to have sprung full-formed and confident about their desires and managed to arrange their lives to satisfy their kinkiness, lots of us waited around until we were almost elderly to step out of our closets. Imagine telling your husband of ten years that you'd really love it if he'd tear your nice new nightie off, throw you on the bed, spank your ass raw, and screw you from behind until you were both sweaty and exhausted. Imagine the look on his face as he calls the family doctor for an emergency prescription for valium. For *you*.

Not that that approach hasn't worked for some--lots of husbands have been hiding some of the same feelings! But lots of marriages have ended over a newly-admitted desire for kink.

The thing is that, once you've admitted you're kinky, you may well feel like you can't take another night of sweet, gently, loving sex, and that you're absolutely going to explode if you don't have an orgasm some time this month. Imagine feeling that way for years. I understand and empathize; it's me in a nutshell.

Now, that "gotta get me some" mindset is what pushed a lot of us out into the world of the SM "scene" for the first time. We lucky ones live in or near big cities that have large SM educational and social organizations. Many of us, with the internet's help, found other resources. Some of us were brave enough to walk into a bookstore and buy a book on SM. Some of us run personal ads, and some of us just keep on dating, and hope that the date doesn't bolt the minute you mention the stash of rope in the end table drawer.

But this mindset, and those early experiences put us at a certain amount of risk, no matter how much we want to ignore it.

Jay's article, 10 Tips For Novice, Submissive Women, deals with those risks. He's fairly well known within SM communities world-wide, and for that reason alone seems to hear a lot of the stories about relationships or play dates gone bad. He wants to use that information because he--and I-- want you to find happiness in doing what pleases you. A couple of bad experiences early on, and you might just give up--and remember that feeling of being ready to explode? Quite a serious sentence.

Most of the horror stories I've heard had to do with women who got involved with a guy who seriously believed that his way of doing what he did was The Best Way. He tried to "protect" his new submissive from those awful dissenting voices--especially when she showed some signs of being interested in them. Like the guy who told his slave that he refused to do *any* of the things that got her hot, simply *because* they got her hot, and denying her her turn-on was his way of showing his complete ownership of her. Blech.

That's the "My Way Or the Highway" Dominant. My advice? Take the highway.

But there are subtler forms of this, and you'll find them all over. Like the guy who wrote up a lengthy (over 100) "rules" for a slave to follow (few of which were in any way original), and then maintained that if you weren't following them, you weren't "really" in a Master/slave relationship and had to call it something else. I know of several newcomers to the scene who stumbled on this list, figured that they'd never measure up, and nearly decided to give up on the whole idea of submission. Obviously, they got over it, and usually precede their description of that experience with "before I met my current, wonderful, Master...", but there may very well be others who did not get over it, and who went back to the days of yawning during sex. Don't Let This Happen To You.

So, what color *is* your submission? Black and blue? Go for it--you'll find many happy hours of flagellation ahead of you. Don't let anyone tell you that "real" SM is anything else. Like the drama of being taken down? Cool. Don't believe it when some jerk tells you that a "real" submissive doesn't need that. Find a dominant who likes it as much as you do. Like playing the baby? When some guy tells you that that's no fun and you should try something *he* likes, you know it's time to move on to the next guy.

SM is what you make it. Stay in your head when you talk to a potential partner--negotiate as equals and don't go into the fantasy until you're sure that you're both talking about the same things, and that you can trust your dominant. Use some basic safety techniques (silent alarms, safewords, etc.) and have lots of fun.

Read books. Hang out on the internet groups that discuss the things that interest you--soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is a (usually) nice newsgroup, there are mailing lists all over internet-dom, and web pages abound. Most web sites contain information about how to contact their authors/owners, and they love feedback, so write them. You can also order books online (if you're as nervous about walking into a Barnes & Noble and purchasing "SM 101" as I was). In most major cities there are organizations that offer munches (get-togethers where people mostly just sit around and talk. Oh, and eat.) and educational and social meetings. Do remember that no matter how long someone has been in the scene, he's still just as ignorant as a beginner about *you*. Don't think you have to take the advice of the first wizened master who comes along. Go dom-shopping carefully (the phrase "cover your ass" springs to mind here, but I'd never sink to so low a pun). Sure, you may get lucky on your first time out, but you might also have to take quite a few out for test-drives before you find someone who rings all your bells.

And when you do, sit down and write back--I *like* hearing that I've been useful. After all, I'm a submissive.

Angies's Letter

Pam's Letter

Shanie's Letter

Nan's Letter

This website is dedicated to the belief and practice of “Absolute Submission” and “Unconditional Surrender” within the “Ancient” and “Biblical” documented and practiced “Natural Order” of women consensually submitting to men. 

Examples of practices of the "Natural Order" can be found in many well known scriptures such as "The Hebrew Torah", "The Talmud", "The Holy Ouran", "The Old Testament", "The New Testament", and "The Book Of Mormon", to name a few.

This website contains absolutely No Pornography. Nothing Obscene, Threatening, Defamatory, Harmful, or Illegal. No content is in any way or form Racially, Ethnically or Morally objectionable. Nor is any content meant to Insult, Offend, or Demean. No Illegal or, Forceful, Involuntary, Unconsensual activities are encouraged or supported. 

Amongst other rights, this website is protected by the Bill Of Rights and the First Amendment to the United States Constitution with the Freedom Of Religious Practices Act and the Right of Freedom Of Speech. 

Due to the mature nature of this website, you MUST be of legal age of over 18 years of age to enter. 

If the subject matter of this website, or the discussion thereof offends you in any way or form, or if you are not of legal age, you may not enter the website and MUST LEAVE NOW. 

By entering this website you declare that you are of legal age of 18 years or older and agree to the terms and conditions of this website.

This Dominant submissive/slave lifestyle website first became active on about February 1, 2002.  The Asj community has been online in one form or another since approximately early 1985.

Copyright © 1998 - 2017  [A submissives journey]. All rights reserved. Revised: February 03, 2017

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