Overcoming Jealousy

Before we try to overcome jealousy, let's first define what it is, checking the dictionary we can find:

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2.  
   1. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
   2. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

 The words seem simple enough and if that's all you had to overcome it would be a lot simpler, but it's the emotions and feelings that make it difficult to overcome, not just the words.  First, let's face reality,

 jealousy is a normal human instinct, there is nothing wrong with having these feelings or emotions.  It's not wrong!  Don't think for a moment that subbies and slaves are the only ones that can encounter this emotion either, Dom's can and do face this issue frequently.

 The first and most important issue to remember when trying to deal with feelings or thoughts of jealousy is communication!  Whether Dom or sub, you need to express your feelings, bring them out in the open and discuss them,  It just might surprise you what a little bit of reassurance and talking about the subject will do to settle some of the insecurities you may be feeling.  Jealousy, especially in a poly relationship can ruin what would otherwise be a perfect relationship.  

 1.  Understand jealousy is a normal emotion or reaction.  Just because you have encountered this feeling, doesn't mean you won't fit into a loving and successful poly relationship.

 2.  The key to overcoming jealousy and the insecurities that accompany this emotion is "communication" and "trust".  Without  communication, the jealousy can only grow, without trust, the relationship is doomed.  Regardless of the situation, you need to discuss these feelings and emotions with your partner, and yes, if it's a poly relationship, with anyone else sharing the relationship!

 3.  Frequently you'll find that your feelings of "jealousy" are caused  by either the perception, or the reality that your needs aren't being fulfilled.  Sometimes they may be needs, and others may only be wants, but in either case, discuss them with the others involved in your relationship.  Let them know of your needs, wants and desires.  It's amazing how much reassurance you'll find just by having your needs known.  

 4.  Try to step back from your relationship a moment, look at it from the perspective of an outsider, are you being fair in your demands or  expectations?  Are you being over protective, over bearing?  Are  you asking or expecting things that you wouldn't give or offer if the roles were reversed?  Sometimes you can't see these things without  stepping back a step or two.

And what about the individual that finds Him/herself with a jealous mate?  What can they do to help alleviate the problem?

1.  First, realize that jealousy is a normal human emotion.  It doesn't just go away because you want it to!  Take the steps necessary to reassure your mate.  Let them know that you understand their feelings.  Communicate!

2.  An important step, stand back, look at your actions.  Is there something that you are doing that is giving your mate cause to be jealous?  Sometimes it can be quite inadvertent, but easily done.  Be alert, try to discover if there is something you do (or don't do) that seems to heighten their feeling of jealousy.  More often than not, you'll find your answer right here.  Remember, perception quickly turns into reality.

 To sum things up, trust, communication will solve most problems that arise from jealousy.  Don't forget, a poly relationship is not for everyone, don't try to force polyamory on someone.  Discuss it, consider it, but don't force it, if you do, then count on it, your  relationship will never last.

                                                                             CJ 

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Revised: November 26, 2016