A submissives journey

Seven Deadly sub (submissive) Sins
by libby

1. manipulation - the whole point of being submissive is to be compliant and to follow the lead of another, so to me being manipulative, trying to control the situation, even horror of horrors 'topping from the bottom', is to completely go against everything a sub should be trying to achieve. It must be very exhausting for a Dom to constantly have to battle against a sub who is trying to take control, manipulate the situation to their liking, wheedle out of things, and so on. And to be honest i'm not sure what either the Dom or the sub would get out of the dynamic in that case; i know there are Doms who like to 'force' a sub to obey seemingly against her will, but the manipulation i'm talking about here is more than that - has the sub really submitted if she is still trying to control and influence events? i think not.

2. secrecy - this one would also cover lack of open communication, or hiding things from the Dom, all of which i feel can be very detrimental to a D/s relationship. Whilst it's true that different Doms have different rules regarding how much they require their sub to disclose to them (and i agree it could get very tiresome to hear every single detail of what the sub is thinking or feeling or every single thing they did during the day), i still feel it is important that subs tell their Dom about their worries, fears, concerns, difficulties, etc. so that the Dom has the right information to make informed decisions. It is very difficult to be in control of someone else without having all the necessary information, and indeed this can lead to some inappropriate, bad or even detrimental decisions being made. To my mind communication is even more imperative to a D/s relationship than a vanilla one, because of the much higher levels of control and dependency involved.

3. dishonesty - this one was included in the Deadly Dom sins too, and i guess it also applies to vanilla relationships, but as i have said before often D/s relationships are similar to all relationships, just magnified in many respects. Just as a sub needs to be able to trust her Dom, a Dom needs to know that He can trust the sub, that she is being truthful to Him in answering His questions, that there are no nasty secrets being hidden from Him. Sometimes being economical with the truth can be dangerous to the safety of the sub, such as not telling Him about mental, emotional or physical limitations or difficulties which could cause harm to occur to the sub during a scene. And often dishonesty can be a 'deal-breaker' with regards to the relationship, when the lies are finally exposed (and they nearly always are). Again, i think it is more prevalent amongst online D/s relationships, but i'm sure there are also dishonest subs in real-life dynamics too.

4. brattiness - a controversial one because some subs love to be bratty, feeling it is part of their personality and makes things more fun, and some Doms seem to enjoy the challenge of 'taming' a bratty sub. But i'm not talking about the 'show' brattiness, where it's put on to spice things up, to make a pretence out of not wanting to submit, or being 'forced' to submit, which in a way can serve to reinforce both the Dom and the sub roles when the sub is made to successfully submit by the powerful Dom. i'm talking about true brattiness, which i have seen many examples of in the online chat rooms, where subs show complete disrespect for the Doms, being rude and snarky and sarcastic, or playing silly little 'jokes' or tricks, answering back, arguing with the Doms for the sake of it, generally being difficult (and to my mind childish). i honestly don't see the point of this form of brattiness, except i guess it does get them attention (negative as well as positive), gets them a certain reputation for being 'feisty' which they seem to revel in and possibly keeps them entertained. i just think there's no place for brattiness in a D/s relationship, it's disrespectful, childish and inappropriate and must again be very wearing for the Dom.

5. self-centeredness - a sub who is continually thinking about herself, looking out for her own comfort and wants and desires, pushing for what she can get out of every situation, making decisions that serve her own interests, is not going to be serving her Dom to the best of her ability. There's a high level of selflessness that is necessary to being a good sub, even if we do at times yearn for certain things or even ask for them if we need them that badly (and i'm not talking about basic needs being met here, or the requirement of some subs to ask permission for everything). i believe that a sub should put the needs of her Dom before her own, strive to make Him comfortable and happy, look for ways in which she can please Him, make decisions based on what she knows He prefers or desires, in order to keep their relationship strong. Of course a good Dom will also strive to make His sub happy and will give her some of what she desires when He feels that she has deserved it, but that's not for the sub to decide. Included in this 'self-centeredness' category i would say are the 'spoiled' subs, the ones you see online with a list of things they want their (future) Dom to buy them, who want to be wined and dined and treated like a princess, have all their desires taken care of, who have even oftentimes picked out the exact collar they want to be bought for them. Sorry if you're one of them, but i do feel there's a level of self-centeredness in such an approach that doesn't gel very well with a D/s relationship.

6. laziness - yes we all get lazy from time to time, can't be bothered to do something we know we really ought to, or don't put very much effort into our tasks. But when that becomes the norm i think there's potential for problems in a D/s relationship. Just as a sub suffers when her Dom can't be bothered (apathy), so a Dom suffers through the laziness of His sub. If she's not putting much effort into her training, chores, daily requirements, scenes or service of Him neither of them are going to get much satisfaction from it and there's going to be very little progress in her development as a sub or the development of their relationship in general. And a D/s relationship that's left to stagnate is not healthy for either participant.

7. disobedience - it may seem obvious to say it, but a sub who blatantly disregards the rules, who purposefully disobeys, who constantly oversteps the boundaries or flat out refuses to carry out the Dom's orders, isn't actually submitting at all. And if she's not submitting is it really a D/s relationship? i know there are times when all subs break the rules, make mistakes and do things wrong, but often these are genuine errors and most of those subs will try hard not to repeat the same mistake again. And admittedly we all have times when we feel like disobeying, but most of us push past those feelings and get on with it anyway (which to me is a much harder form of submission than complying with things which are easy). Flat out, continual disobedience would be detrimental to any D/s relationship, so is included in the sub's deadly sins list here.

Thanks for reading (and sorry i once again used He for Doms and she for subs, i just find it easier).

"Posted here with permission of the author.  Watch for other topics and postings by libby here on the Asj web site, or in her blog"