A submissives journey - Punishment and Conflict Within a D/s relationship

This is often a source of confusion. There are two kinds of punishment,: play punishment and 'real' punishment found within a Dominant submisive or BDSM relationship. The former is a style of play or interaction that can be found in D/s relationships along the entire spectrum of intensity. It involves the Dom 'punishing' the sub for some minor, playful, or role-played infraction, where the 'punishment' is something (bondage, spanking, whipping, sexual servitude) that both partners enjoy. If I manage to slip an ice cube down my Master's shirt, I will generally be told to hold still while he does the same thing to me, though this is a fairly mild and short-lived example.

In any case, this play punishment is not meant to correct any behavioral problems or resolve any conflicts. I would like to emphasize the difference here between playful and serious disobedience - refusing to reveal the location of your Master's car keys after you've hidden them is one thing; taking his car out for a spin without asking first is something else entirely. Even oft-repeated and ill-timed playfulness can result in real annoyance; a good Dom or Master will make it known when his patience is being stretched thin, giving the sub/slave fair warning before she crosses the line into serious disobedience.

Like any relationship, a D/s one will have its share of disagreements and conflicts. If the relationship is not yet to the total power exchange state, then a simple withdrawal of some form of consent by the sub should be sufficient for her to make her wishes known. From that point on, until she gives her consent again, the conflict must be negotiated normally. Hopefully, by the time the power exchange has become total and meta-consent/submission has been given, the two have spent enough time building the relationship so that they know they will be able to resolve even the most serious issues. Once that line is crossed, the slave simply cannot put her foot down; she cannot demand anything, though she is ALWAYS free to leave. Slavery is a state of mind, not a binding legal contract. For her to make demands is tantamount to her indicating that she wants the relationship terminated. Certainly, she should be able to voice an objection and know that it will be heard; and after she has done so, if her Master doesn't change his mind, she either carries through or risks disobeying him. To knowingly do the latter in a serious case is almost a slap in the face of the Master, though even this has a spectrum of severity.

If the transgression is only of a mild severity, things may be set right simply by an apology/explanation on the part of the slave. The same may be true of the more moderate ones; however, in some cases the slave may wish to ask her Master for (real) punishment. This sounds odd, but if you have ever wronged someone, had them accept your apologies, and yet still felt like shit for it and continued to berate yourself for some time afterwards, you can see why such a request might be made. No sense in beating yourself over the head for weeks if you can just go to your Master and say "I still feel horrible for doing that; could you please punish me so I can feel as if I've made up for it?"

Real punishment might be better termed corrective punishment. It is rarely, if ever, found anywhere except a lifestyle D/s relationship. It is generally used like positive punishment and negative punishment in operant conditioning, but in order to function properly in this role, it has to be something that the slave really doesn't like. If the slave is a masochist, whipping them isn't going to do any good, they'll just enjoy it. If she's an exhibitionist, trying to humiliate her (assuming she doesn't enjoy public humiliation in the first place) by ordering her to take off her shirt in public isn't going to work.

It is imperative that the Master make it absolutely clear that he is in fact displeased, that he is truly punishing the slave instead of playing with her, and he should also elucidate exactly why she is being punished. The punishment must be something aversive enough so that in the future it will make the slave think twice before exhibiting whatever behavior elicited the punishment, but it should also fit the transgression and the slave herself. A Master who punishes a slave for accidentally calling him "Sir" when he wants to be called "my Lord", by confining her in a small cage for an hour when she happens to be claustrophobic, has no right to call himself 'Master'.

It can be used as a means of conflict resolution. If a slave violates her Master's trust by disobeying him, he might assign a punishment to her as a means of reaffirming her obedience - "You will complete this task as proof that you are willing to obey, else why should I continue to believe that you will ever do anything that I ask of you?" But once that task is completed, the slave is forgiven, the sin expiated, and both people put it behind them.

I should point out that Doms or Masters, being human and therefore not perfect, are not immune from needing to apologize. Due to the fact that the good ones generally possess large amounts of self-control, and to the nature of the relationship, it doesn't happen frequently; when it does, the slave knows it, and it increases her respect for him. Slaves don't have the right to demand an apology - they can't make demands, period. But the Master who has so much pride that he cannot allow himself to apologize even when he has obviously made a mistake is not worthy of anyone's submission. A Master need not apologize for directing his slave along a course of action which she dislikes - in a TPE, she has, after all, given him consent to do this. He might apologize to her if outside stresses got the better of him, and his anger leaked out when he snapped at her for no reason at all (part of that total trust given by the slave is the trust that her Master has enough self-control to not take external emotions out on her).

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