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Few
topics in the BDSM world generate as much debate as does
the issue of punishment. Whatever form it takes, it is
an integral part of every D/s relationship, and is the
source of much misunderstanding.
What is Punishment?
Before I continue, I need to clarify. It's important to understand one
fundamental thing about punishment. By it's nature, it is something that
is not enjoyable. It is unwelcome, to be avoided, and acts as negative
motivation ("I'll not do this because if I do, something I don't like
will happen to me.")
Many novices confuse "punishment" for something that is erotic and
enjoyable: A spanking, a flogging--something desirable. I'll state this
categorically: It is not. I am speaking about punishment for actual
misbehavior outside the erotic context, not that wonderful "naughty
school-girl/Head master" scene we love so much. Punishment is not play.
Punishment is meant for one reason only: To alter behavior. It is a
useful and necessary tool, and exists in some form in every close
relationship we have. With it, dominants can teach submissives how to
behave and help submissives modify their behavior to better please.
There is only one fundamental offense: displeasing the dominant.
Failing to do so or intentionally displeasing the dominant is grounds
for punishment, and it is the dominant alone who makes the decision as
to whether or not the submissive has been pleasing.
Punishment can take many forms--from a disapproving look to a
beating--and is limited only by your imagination and how well you know
your submissive. From my interactions with those in the scene, though,
physical (corporal) punishment seems to be the most pervasive.
So What's Wrong With That?
Is there too much corporal punishment in the scene? I believe so. It is
the easy way out for many dominants. Often it is a reaction, rather than
something that is considered. It takes much more effort to come up with
a non-physical method of correction. Many of us were brought up with
corporal punishment, learning that misbehavior should lead to physical
pain. Those social influences can be very powerful. In the long run,
however, physical punishment is usually the least effective way to alter
behavior.
Jay Wiseman writes in SM101, A Realistic Introduction:
"I firmly believe that the dominant should not slap, spank, paddle,
bind, confine, or otherwise perform any common BDSM act on a sub as
punishment. We are trying to create positive, erotic connections with
these activities. Let's reserve them for that area alone and not cloud
the connections. I also firmly believe that a dominant should never
slap, punch, kick, or otherwise touch a submissive in anger."
"Punishment often involves pain and many submissives enjoy pain.
Indeed, some will manipulate deliberately so they can be "punished."
This is why I strongly recommend that pain not be used as punishment."
(SM101, A Realistic Introduction,
p. 274)
So let's work backwards one step. Ultimately, the goal is never to have
to punish the submissive. Given their 'druthers, most subs would really
rather not disappoint or disobey. Most dominants would prefer that they
didn't, as well. From that premise, you can prevent a great deal of
misbehavior by positively reinforcing the things you desire, rewarding
the types of behaviors that you wish your submissive to repeat. This
sends a clear message: I like this! Do it more!
We all know, however, that submissives are not perfect and the time will
come when she or he displeases you. In these cases, the dominant must
take action. Failing to do so teaches a submissive that he or she can
get away with unacceptable behavior--that you are not serious about your
limits or rules. As unpleasant as it is for us to punish the ones we
love, it is part and parcel to being a dominant. What we often fail to
do, however, is to consider intent. An honest mistake should generally
be treated more lightly than outright disobedience. And just how fair
would it be to punish for something a submissive does when you had not
taken the time beforehand to properly instruct him or her on how to act
properly?
Alternatives
If not corporal punishment, then what? First, whatever the punishment,
it must fit the offense. Being too hard or too lenient are equally
counter-productive. Use only the degree of punishment needed to achieve
the desired results: behavior change. Something you should know is that
merely learning that they've displeased is all the punishment many
submissives are likely to need. Often, you need only point out how to
please you and your submissive will make the desired change. The
emotional pain your submissive may feel as a result of disappointing you
is very often much harsher and more effective than anything you could
reasonably come up with.
One alternative to corporal punishment is withdrawal. In this case,
when faced with displeasing behavior the dominant stops the activity,
points out the error, and by some means deprives the submissive of the
dominant's presence. It is critically important, however, that the
length of that time should be clearly stated. Without doing so, the
submissive may be left wondering if you will ever return, if you have
abandoned them. It risks, at the least, an erosion of trust and possibly
worse: emotional trauma. Such physical separation can have a tremendous
impact on a submissive, so use it very carefully.
Another alternative, and the one I most often use, is introspection. I
make known to my submissive that she has failed to please me, encourage
her to discover what she did, and then provide her the tools to overcome
that behavior. It is vital that the submissive, if at all possible,
search for and find the behavior that was displeasing. This can be very
effective in helping the sub take the lesson to heart; much more so than
a smack from the crop.
Physical pain doesn't encourage. It only sets up an association between
a particular behavior and a painful consequence. The tools I provide are
something that she can carry with her, physically or mentally, and apply
to a variety of situations when needed. The old adage of "Give a man a
fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you feed him
for a lifetime" comes to mind. Corporal punishment is the fish,
introspection is the teaching to fish.
As an example, we have posted a page on our website called "The Shoe
Box, A Master's Gift." It demonstrates from real-life circumstances how
alternatives to physical punishment can be constructively used. This
article is one of an infinite number of alternatives to corporal
punishment.
Is Physical Punishment Ever Acceptable?
In limited situations, yes. If the submissive raises the issue on his or
her own, expresses a need to be physically punished as part of the
healing process, then, perhaps, it would be acceptable. It is often true
that the sub would rather endure physical pain than the emotional pain
of your disapproval or withdrawal. If this is the case, use it wisely.
Ultimately, what form the punishment takes is your choice to make as the
dominant.
Combining elements of correction from several methods can also be
effective. For example, if the submissive violates a term of your
contract, you could have the submissive kneel (physical discomfort)
while reading the contract (introspection) while you move to another
room (withdrawal) for a specified period of time.
Warning!
One common error you must avoid is intimate sexual contact immediately
following physical punishment. No sex. Why? Because it teaches
submissives that if they misbehave, they will get what exactly what they
want: Pleasure.
For most dominants who are emotionally involved with a submissive,
punishment is a difficult task. You may understand that it is needed,
but hate to cause your beloved one pain other than in an erotic context.
You may feel guilty afterwards or fear that your submissive will think
you no longer care for her or him. These internal conflicts can lead you
to move directly into erotic stimulation from punishment in hopes of
reassuring. At first blush, that seems good, because it is important to
reassure our loved ones that we don't punish because they are "bad," but
because we love them enough to correct misbehavior. There must be,
however, a significant pause between the two events. If in one breath
you are punishing your submissive harshly with a crop and then in the
next, before the sting of the last stroke subsides, you are caressing
him or her erotically, what are you really teaching? You are teaching
your sub that if she or he can only endure this harsh, non-erotic pain
for a few minutes, pleasure will be the reward. If you continue that
behavior long enough, and you may well give birth to a pain slut (which
is good, if that is what you both want, but isn't good if you don't). If
you find that you are sexually aroused from administering punishment,
you will need to exert considerable control over yourself so that you do
not unwittingly reinforce the wrong behavior.
Know, too, that the submissive will probably feel remorse for
displeasing you and will want to get back on your "good side" as soon as
possible. One very obvious way of pleasing you is with sex. Once again,
however, you need to ensure a significant pause between punishment and
gratification--yours or your submissive's. This will take tact and
understanding, since most of us do not take well the refusal of our
sexual advances. In addition, following punishment, the sub will likely
be particularly emotionally vulnerable.
And Lastly
Ending a relationship as a form of punishment can cause severe emotional
trauma to both parties, particularly the submissive. In only the most
extreme cases should the relationship be terminated as a form of
punishment. There may be some actions which are unforgivable. Those
things should be clearly discussed early on. Don't invoke it or the
threat of it casually.
Whatever method you use, remember that correction is an opportunity for
you to grow closer, to try to resolve disputes and preserve the
relationship. Out of it, the submissive should grow, not have his or her
self-esteem destroyed. Being cruel doesn't make you a better dom, but it
could very well erode the foundation of trust upon which D/s
relationships must be built. Punishment is a tool of last resort. Use it
carefully.
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