A submissives journey

Part 1: Can't I Just Wear My Flannel Shirt? Why Fetish Wear is De Rigeur

I could hear the last little click as I snapped the corset closed. It fitted snugly, but not uncomfortably. Black satin hugging my waist, pushing my breasts up so my nipples peaked through the black lace of the bodice. Tiny straps over my shoulders, holding the whole thing up. Perhaps a sense that at any moment, any moment now, things might just tumble out.

As I walked through the party, I could feel men's eyes following my breasts. Sometimes they didn't even look up at me, their head's bowed in reverence of some sort. I felt powerful. Nowhere but at a BDSM party could I dress like this. I flaunted my sexuality, and the sexual tension flowed around me in foaming rapids.

The funny thing is that a bathing suit probably shows more of me than this corset does. But then, it's not about how much skin is on display. It's that something about corsets which drives us all a little crazy.

Clothing is an artistic expression, as intimate as anything outside your body can be. It is a painting, a sculpture which follows your every move. It affects how people respond to you, and how you feel about yourself. Years ago when I first started riding a motorcycle, I decked myself out in mirrored sunglasses, a Harley jacket, and black boots. To my surprise, some people responded to me with fear. Those clothes didn't change my essential being, but they affected others so much they could no longer see the real me, the cheerful and gentle me who could be seen the moment I removed those sunglasses.

A similar thing happened when I developed a professional wardrobe for work. When I wore a suit, people took me a little bit more seriously. I guess my baby face always worked a little against me, and I like it when I'm treated with more respect. People like to say it doesn't matter what they wear, or that their clothing doesn't "say" anything by virtue of being bland. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Every piece of clothing you wear says something about your approach to D/s , not to mention your socioeconomic level, education, and lifestyle.

It can be daunting for a person new to BDSM to learn about the lifestyle and look stylish too. One of the easy ways to spot novices is that they show up to scene events in street clothing, the usual wear of flannel, denim and gabardine. The more courageous ones choose monochromatic looks in basic black, but still neutral enough so they could stop by Wal-Mart on the way home for an extra pair of socks, presumably also black. I'm not making a case that anyone should be a fashion plate to attend a party, only that you will feel more "when in Rome" with a little zip in your style.

It would be nice if we were all judged by who we are, and not how we dress. But human beings respond to outward appearance, and dress is a large part of appearance. Still, there's always a few holdouts, people who refuse to dress up for scene events. My friend Brandon is the king of "I yam what I yam." Brandon says his dominance is internal, and so there's no need to change from his jeans and flannel shirt. He may well be right, and of course on a deeper level, he's right about dominance being an intrinsic thing. But he also needs to know that since the community tends to dress up, his partners probably have certain expectations around image, especially when they are women. I remind him that many scene events have a dress code of one type or another, and he may not be welcome if he insists on going casual. Hey, if you show up looking like a Vermont woodchuck, you'll be perceived as a Vermont woodchuck. Is woodchucklyness what you want?

Clothing is more than just about fitting into a community, however. It affects how we feel both on the superficial level (do I look sexy?) as well as a deeper one (does this outfit express my Dominant spirit?). It affects how we feel about ourselves, our confidence, and our sex appeal. It frames our bodies, expresses our orientation, and speaks volumes about how we feel about our sexuality. It puts us in the mood and acts as a transition into those magical spaces, a psychological device to take us from the workaday world to the mysterious pathways of BDSM.

If you're only going to public munches, a fetish outfit may well be inappropriate. Nevertheless, you'll want to have a few items like jewelry which will express your orientation. If you're attending social events with no play, dress to the nines and feel confident your outfits will be duly appreciated. At a play party the focus is less on socializing and more on activity, so you will want to make sure you are wearing clothing which doesn't get in your way during scenes. That is, no dangling jewelry or flowy clothing which can get caught on things. Of course in a private scene with your partner, you will want to dress for whatever is planned.

Clothing is not just fabric and zippers and thread; it is the art by which we express our inner selves to he world.

A three part series that includes:

Part 1: Can't I Just Wear My Flannel Shirt? Why Fetish Wear is De Rigeur
Part 2: Developing a Fetish Wardrobe on a Budget
Part 3: Accessorizing for Pain & Pleasure