HOW TO EXPLAIN BDSM TO A VANILLA FRIEND OR FAMILY

The first line of Pat Califia's book Sensual Magic says "This is a book for people who love each other." SM is about two people who care for each other accepting their erotic fantasies and nurturing them. In many cases, SM is about incorporating those erotic fantasies on and off into one's lifestyle.

From an outsider's standpoint, many of the trappings of SM are scary. The images of whips, chains and leather restraints come to mind. So does the image of violence and coercion. The practitioners are seen as "sick," "twisted" or "perverted." Kinsey estimated that approximately 50% of the population had sadomasochistic erotic fantasies and between 5% and 10% of them have acted those fantasies out. This puts sadomasochists in the same population proportions as homosexuals. The American Psychiatric Association only defines sexual sadomasochism as a disorder if it prevents the person from functioning in their day to day life.

Eroticism and desire for one's partner is expressed differently by different people. For some, an ultimately erotic experience may be being picked up from work in a limousine, taken to a fine restaurant for a romantic dinner than whisked off to a romantic and intimate hotel for an evening of passionate lovemaking. For some it may be walking into the door, being confronted with a stern faced partner, whip in hand, being ordered to kneel and kiss their feet, then strip and be used sexually.

Many erotic encounters involve the icons of power. Power is sexy. In the first example power was expressed through money. In the second, the expression of power is much more primal. Some people are more turned on by the "civilized" expression of power. Some want the expression to be much more overt.

Most people who do SM combine dominance and submission with sadomasochism. There is a fair amount of what could be termed as erotic role play that occurs. For some people, the dominance and submission are much more erotic than the sadomasochistic activities. For some the opposite is true. For many giving up control in an erotic context is very arousing.

People who practice SM as a lifestyle enjoy exchanging power in the relationship. They exchange the power on a consensual and negotiated basis. How much power and in what areas the power is exchanged is dependent on each relationship. For some people allowing the power exchange to seep into non-erotic areas of their lives allows them to eroticize those areas. The act of making dinner can be transformed into "Serving the Master," which tends to lead to more overt erotic activities once dinner is served and eaten. Day to day acts can take on elements of foreplay.

The sexual roles that people prefer in an SM context have comparatively little to do with their "real world" identities. Very strong and capable people may be sexually submissive. People who are comparatively easy going in the day to day world may turn out to be stern and strict dominants when "in role." Being submissive in an erotic context has nothing to do with being a doormat any more than being dominant in an erotic context has to do with being a bully. For both parties it is a playing out of erotic fantasies with a partner who shares those fantasies. And it is about being able to feel emotionally safe enough to share those fantasies with each other and to act them out.

Pat Califia put it in a nutshell in the first line of the book. SM is about people who love each other. SM is about people who trust each other. SM is about two people who walk away feeling nurtured, supported and happy. SM is about feeling good.

Questions about the D/s Lifestyle or the Asj web site?    Click the ask live icon to chat live or leave a message with our site host.  CJ isn't always available, but generally you can find Him here from about 8:30 - 11:00 pm Eastern time. Your questions about the site, the Asj community or just about the lifestyle in general are always welcome.  If nothing else, take a moment and tell us what you think of this feature!