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Introducing your partner to Dominance
and submission (D/s)
Ok, you've been married a few years now, pretty happy
perhaps, but something is missing. It doesn't seem that important
because you can't seem to think what it is, so you just push it to the
back of your mind and get on with life. Then one day you hear about
Dominance and submission. Perhaps you're wandering the web and come
across an article, or perhaps the name of a chat room intrigues you, or
something else. Your interest is piqued and you begin to search for
more, perhaps ask questions and somewhere along the line you realise
"This is what I want. This is what's missing." You might find that
you're attracted to the Dominance side, or the submission side, or to
both. Either way, you've found what you wanted. Now the next question is
what you do about it.
Many seem to decide straight off that their partner
can't handle this and don't tell them. Some will bury it in their
hearts, longing, but doing nothing more. Others will perhaps look for an
online relationship to get what they believe they can't in Real Life
(RL). Others may simply leave their partners.
Others, like myself, know they've made a
commitment to their partners already and decide to tell their partners
and hopefully, just hopefully, get what they know they
need.
And invariably they do it wrong. From what I've read,
I've done it 'more' wrong than others, but perhaps in that, have learned
a few valuable lessons. I'll give you the benefit of what I've learned,
as well as a few ideas from My Love, and hopefully give you a better
chance to get it right.
Telling your partner
This is the hardest part. You can immediately think of
all the bad things that will happen. You believe you know your partner
and you're pretty sure the reaction isn't going to be good. Maybe
they'll decide you're a sick pervert and leave you. Maybe they'll just
tell you to forget it and believe that's the end of the subject. Maybe
they'll agree to think about it. Maybe they'll say something like "You
too?" It's a good bet that nothing in your marriage thus far has given
you a clue about what reaction they'll give.
The First Step
The first step is
not to just go straight to your partner and
say "I want to be your Master/slave." That's unlikely to give good
results. The first thing to do is read. Read anything and
everything you can about D/s. Talk to anybody you can on the
subject. Then think
about it. Don't just take what's written/said as gospel, really
think about it. Think about what it means to you, how it might apply to
you. No two Dominant submissive (D/s) relationships are the same and you can't just take
rules from one relationship and bolt them into another. Instead
you have to learn what D/s is about and understand the underlying
workings. Once you believe you have a good idea of what it's about
and may be able to at least hold your own in a conversation about D/s,
you're ready for step two.
Step Two
Now, you have to work out how to tell your
partner. You have all the information you need at your command and can
answer any question they may throw at you. None of that will help if the
first thing they do is say "You sick pervert!". So you want to reduce
the chances of that. How
you introduce is the important bit. Once you two are talking you can
relax a little, but you need to get there. Sometimes the way you say
things is more important than what you say. For instance:
We need to talk.
Is not
a good way to start. You've immediately put your partner on the
defensive and it's likely to go downhill from there.
Can we talk?
Is a little better. It offers a choice and is a little
more humble in tone. It may still worry them, but it's a darn sight
better. Now you're about to talk, what do you say next? Here your own
judgement about your partner needs to come into play. You could try:
Have you ever heard of Dominance
and submission?
or perhaps
I've been doing some reading
lately, trying to learn more about myself and I've found something I'd
like to try.
After the initial introduction there are a few
things you'll probably need to clear up. Firstly, that the Hollywood
image of D/s doesn't do the lifestyle justice. Sure people may dress in
leather/latex, hold whips, wear collars and the like, but that's just
the extras. They're just 'flash' on the lifestyle, what the lifestyle is
really about is
Power Exchange. Now perhaps at this point you'll be lucky and find they
like
the idea of whips, leather and so on, in which case I'm sure you don't
need my help. However if it's that image that seems to make them unsure,
then tell them it's not 'necessary'. What you wear has nothing to do
with being in a Dominant submissive
(D/s) relationship. The Dom can easily wear T-shirt and jeans, while the
sub can also
wear T-shirt and jeans. It's not what they wear, but how they interact.
Now, once you're past dispelling the 'popular
image' of D/s, you need to talk about why you want it, what you think it
will do for you and your partner. My advice here is don't try logic,
don't try reasoned arguments. Use emotion. Not to blackmail your
partner, but instead to show what it means
to you. Tell them how you feel this is a part of you that you never knew
about, that you'd like to explore and of course you'd like to explore it
with them, your lifelong partner. You need
them in this.
One thing to avoid here, even inadvertently, is
disparaging your marriage to this point in time. Don't give the
impression that you've just found out what's wrong with your marriage,
because most likely that will hurt them. To them, everything was going
perfectly, and then suddenly you tell them it's not. So, instead stress
that you've only just found out about this; stress that it's something
that's perhaps been in the back of your mind but you never understood.
Stress that this is about you
not about your marriage. Really, what you're asking for here is help;
help in fulfilling yourself and your fantasies.
Most importantly, don't push. Even if your partner is
wildly enthusiastic, you should still let them go at their pace. Let
them make the next move. And just because you've introduced it doesn't
mean that you stop learning. Keep reading, keep talking to others.
Really, even if you jump fully into the lifestyle, you'll be learning
about it the rest of your life anyway, so why stop now?
Did I say most importantly? Perhaps equally
importantly at this point is total honesty. This
Dominant submissive lifestyle is
founded on total honesty and trust between the partners. Starting
now is good and will help build your partner's confidence.
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