Defining Dominance and submission

Dominance and submission is about control rather than compromise, power rather than sex, and has as a basis for these things a trust that can be so profound, it seems almost an impossibility.

D/s is probably the facet of BDSM that is least understood by people who don't take part in it. The vanilla layman looks at sadomasochism and sees the sadist and the masochist doing their thing for mutual pleasure, and even if the layman doesn't like it or doesn't understand it, it is still obvious what the people are doing and why. Lay folk and BSDM'ers sometimes use the term S&M to mean the entire scope of all things kink, leading to further confusion; perhaps this is an unconscious attempt to lump the esoteric bondage & discipline and dominance & submission into the more-well-known word S&M. Besides, all three sets often occur together whenever a reference is made, so in the minds of lay folk, it's all the same thing. They think of whips and chains, collars and punishment, naked slaves addressing their Dominants as "Master" or "Mistress", bondage and spankings. This is not entirely inaccurate - there are many kinky people who participate in all of these simultaneously.

D/s is not about the hardware, it's not about pain, it's not about bondage. D/s is about an exchange of power. It is a relationship in which the balance of power is unequal. It is about the mind, about psychological control and internal (mental) enslavement. It's no wonder the layfolk have a hard time understanding, especially since anything BDSM is usually a taboo topic in mainstream US culture, and there are many who would argue that BDSM is sick, wrong, or an indication of mental illness.

Domination and submission (D/s) is not for everyone, any more than golf or tequila or politics is for everyone. And for those who do claim it as their kink, the depth to which D/s is a part of their lives will vary from them using it to add a little extra spice in their sex lives to being a part of a 24-7 total power exchange (alternatively referred to as a lifestyle relationship or a Master/slave relationship). D/s-ers can arise from all walks of life - any sexual orientation, any profession, any personality, any ethnicity, any culture. As such they can be wonderful people with whom to cultivate a friendship or a relationship, or they can be complete and utter assholes.

For purposes of discussion, D/s-ers can be sorted into two broad categories: the first contains those for whom a power exchange is extra spice in a sexual encounter. They may use the terms "Master" and "slave", and one of them might wear a collar; but those terms are usually reserved for the bedroom, and the collar may just be another attachment point (a la bondage). After the spankings are dealt and the rope is put back in the toy chest, they are back on equal footing and will go about negotiating their compromises like most other vanilla couples. Some form relationships that are for D/s play only; i.e., they do not interact with each other beyond the bedroom.

When D/s partners are interacting with each other sexually, an observer might not be able to tell whether it is bedroom-only D/s or lifestyle D/s (see below) - when actively being practiced, the two can be very similar./p>

Some people may even be engaging in mild D/s without realizing it; this is especially common in anyone who has the mental wiring for D/s but who has not consciously acknowledged or accepted their urges. Unfortunately, these kinds of people also tend to unconsciously seek out partners who will match them - submissives can easily find themselves with overbearing, abusive partners; Dominants may demand more of their vanilla partners than they are willing to give.

The terms "Dom" or "Domme" (female), "Dominant", "sub", "submissive", and "switch" are all for general use - even someone who enjoys only the slightest bit of sexual submission or dominance in the bedroom could use these terms to describe themselves. A switch is someone who enjoys both roles, not necessarily at the same time nor with the same partner.

D/s Lifestylers

The second category contains people who are sometimes called "lifestylers"; these are the people upon whom the primary focus of this writeup rests. D/s is a way of life for them, or more accurately, a way of relationship. The relationships that will make them the happiest are the ones that have a power exchange at their core. Whatever aspects of S&M or bondage they might enjoy, they have a need/em> for D/s. Their minds are wired to want to surrender or to take control, almost a screw the roses, send me the thorns attitude. This does not mean that submissives are all meek soft-spoken pushovers and dominants are all type-A take-charge bullys... the personality of a Dom/me or sub rarely reflects that wiring to the rest of the world. A shrewd eye and ear might pick out a D/s lifestlye couple while they are together in public, but around anyone else the Dom is simply that unassuming quiet guy, and the sub is that non-conformist free spirit.

This category contains a spectrum of people and their wants and needs; it also contains couples in various stages of their relationships. For some lifestylers, the goal is to have a partner in a 24-7 total power exchange or Master/slave relationship. Finding said partner is just as difficult as a vanilla person finding a vanilla partner. Just because a Dom and a sub are on the market for an M/s relationship doesn't mean they're automatically compatible. Just like in a vanilla relationship, a lifestyler needs to find a partner who shares at least some portion of their worldview, hobbies, likes, dislikes, and kinks.

If two D/s'ers meet and take an interest in each other, their relationship can grow over time, just like a vanilla one. If we consider an M/s relationship to be most 'advanced' point possible for D/s, and liken it to a vanilla marriage, then we can also draw a few other ideas from the analogy: first, An M/s relationship should not be rushed. If you have only known your partner for a few months, then offering yourself to them as their slave or accepting an such an offer from your partner is generally a bad idea. Second, people do change, and sometimes they change more than the relationship can bear.

Though the nature of an M/s relationship lends itself to a stability that is more pervasive than is usually found in the vanilla realm, things can still go so wrong that the conflict resolution mechanisms just can't cope. This is not to imply that vanilla relationships are by default less stable than M/s relationships. It's just that D/s and M/s relationships have some extra communication channels and conflict resolution mechanisms that can/em> be used to enhance the levels of trust beyond that which is possible in the vanilla world. I once described the level of trust in my M/s relationship to a vanilla friend; her response was something along the lines of, "Wow. I can't fathom putting that much trust in anyone, even a partner."

A lot of the stuff in the second section (D/s Lifestylers) can apply to D/s relationships that are not total power exchanges. It's just that with the TPE's, this stuff is going on all the time, and its frequency in non-TPE's will vary from relationship to relationship.

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Revised: November 10, 2016