When I look around the web, and listen to
people talk on IRC, I am amazed at the wealth of information that abounds on
BDSM...in all of its flavors and varieties. Much of this information tends to be
technique oriented..."how to flog" or "using clothes pins." There is nothing
wrong with that...and I wish I had access to that information many, many years
ago. But it seems that there is an element missing. I have met any number of new Doms who can follow the recipe for effective clothespin use..."attach clothespin
to the nearest wobbly bit of skin you see...wait fifteen minutes, rotate 90
degrees, then pinch until red...." On one level, this is a rather yummy tidbit
of information, and it reminds a new Dom that 15 minutes is about the limit for
clothespins (YMMV).
What it doesn't do is address the purely D/S or Dominance and Submission
elements of what it is that we do. Simply put, much of the information helps to
build "Tops and Bottoms." Not Dominants and Submissives. Now before you begin to
flame me for YKINOK (Your Kink is Not OK), I'm not criticizing Tops and
Bottoms...been there, done that, had a great time, and will probably take that
ride again, thank you. But on IRC especially, Topping doesn't go too
far...Topping is all about sensation, the one thing you don't have much access
to on IRC.
What you do have access to is the mind, the emotions, and even the soul and
spirit of your partner. Yes, you can and will, as a Dominant, access the mind of your
submissive by showing effective "sensation play" skills. Assuming of course, the
sensation your are building in her mind is the one that makes her monkey jump.
If it is obvious you don't know how to use a clothespin, your chances of weaving
a Dominance web on IRC is pretty slim.
But I get ahead of myself. Before I can talk about your submissive, I need to
talk about you. That's right, I'm going to open up that little hatch on the side
of your head, and peer inside. Or at least I'm going to open the side of my
head, and let you see in there. Chances are good, you won't see many differences
between us.
I was raised to be a man. And in my family, men did not hit women. We did not
hurt women. Not in any way, shape or form. In fact, it was clearly expected that
if we saw another man hurting a woman, that we would intercede and rescue her
from the villain. This mind set goes back to chivalry, and is re-inforced in our
society by people who are doing work trying to change the male mind set that
allows sexual and physical abuse to take place. It is also re-inforced when
someone you know is victimized.
I clearly did not see myself as that kind of man. Back in the depths of my mind,
from an early age, I knew I liked to see women tied up, even tortured. I knew it
gave me a hard on, and that it occupied much of my fantasy time. But in every
event, I justified what was happening to myself. I became quite good at creating
elaborate fantasies where I could do all of those "evil" things to her (whoever
she happened to be in the fantasy de-jour), and yet it was the "right" thing to
do. The problem with that whole approach was, in kept me from trying ANYTHING in
real life, for many years. I repressed those desires. I turned away from the
part of my nature that wanted a partner who enjoyed being sexually tormented, a
partner who wanted to be sexually controlled.
The good news is, this approach did keep me from being a sociopath. The bad news
is, there wasn't much chance I'd become one (and repression probably would push
me MORE in that direction than being honest with myself about it). In the end, I
had to turn 180 degrees and face my own inner demons. This is one of the reasons
I chose the nick online of Ragnarok...the battle at the end of the world.
Ragnarok is a time when men fall into depravity, and the gods and titans do
battle, ending the world, only to have one man rise from the dead and create a
new world. It's the classic death/re-birth story, only in Norse symbolism. And
Ragnarok is the name of the battle...it does not stand for the end of the world.
So I continue to battle those inner demons that tell me to be kind, to be
gentle. Not to bite that nipple, but to gently caress it.
My first moment of understanding came when a submissive on IRC told me what she
liked. I mean, here was a woman who wanted me to do things that would hurt. At
first I had to console myself with administering punishments (back to the old
"justify the pain" approach). And by golly, I learned to do B& D. But she had to
do things to signal that she wanted some punishment, then it was ok to for me to
give it to her. The more I got into this game, the more I found that I enjoyed
the play. And she enjoyed it too...I could tell. The veil of punishment got
thinner and thinner. At the same time, she was talking about wanting to be
controlled.
Controlled? What the hell was that about? I wasn't sure, so I gave her a fierce
spanking for it. Right about that time, I realized that I ENJOYED hurting her. I
got into real life about the same time. And seeing her enjoying her
pain...seeing her going deep into that submissive mind frame (sub space) because
of the things I was doing took me to the next level.
I hurt her because it gave me pleasure. Every stroke of the crop, every
clothespin, every drop of wax was there because it was what I wanted. Yes, I
knew what she wanted. In some cases, she wanted it so very desperately...even
more than I wanted to give it to her...and I wanted to give it to her badly. But
I was able to be honest with myself about it. So while I was aware of what her
needs were...I also became aware of what my needs were. I found that I truly
enjoyed what we were doing. I also improved. I was no longer reluctant to
play...I no longer needed her to "piss me off" or misbehave in order for me to
take some sort of (fun)action. She picked up on this too. So instead of having
to be bad in order to get some fun, she found that she could relax and be
herself, and still get some fun. And, as a side benefit, she could now
communicate openly and honestly about what she wanted, what she liked, and what
she didn't, because she knew I was comfortable giving it to her...and because
she could see and share my pleasure in giving it to her.
Suddenly, I'm getting good feedback, and my skills begin to improve. Those
difficult moments are long gone...those moments of silence where you don't know
what to say were gone. And we got to know each other. The relationship got
stronger. That strength built more intimacy. With intimacy, I got to know better
how to push her buttons...what really made her monkey jump. And making her
monkey jump that way really made my monkey sit up and take notice.
Along with that, I gained confidence. Not bravado. Not arrogance. I have a lot
to learn. I know I have a lot to learn, and I am willing to learn it from anyone
who has something to teach. But I know what it is that we do. I know why my
submissive partner enjoys what she enjoys. I've experienced it through her
eyes...from a position of understanding...and it's an honest perspective.
Because I'm honest with myself.
Not what you expected eh? Were you looking for more recipes for control? There
are some standards. Yes, making her pee standing up is one technique. So is not
letting her climax for a few days at a time. And so is requiring her to climax
three times a day, at specified times. So is making her do self administered
activities.
But those activities are not the point. The point is
1). You are having her do those things, because you like the thought of her
doing them for you;
2) She is doing them for you, and because you take such an obvious pleasure in
having her do them, even though they are difficult/messy/embarrassing etc.;
3) They are activities which make her focus on her being owned and controlled by
you, and
4) They are linked to the sexual joy you both find in the activities you share.
The activities themselves don't matter....they are symbolic. In some cases, they
are designed to teach a lesson...to help a submissive overcome her own internal
issues, so that she can be free of her inner demons, in order to provide her Dom
with more pleasure, as well as herself. An example of this is when the Dom
controls her peeing. Is peeing standing up fun? Nope. Does he get a sexual rush
from the activity itself? Not usually. After a while, it becomes a drag for her.
She might be tempted to cheat. His enforcement (which she will usually test) and
his reaction are a part of the control. She needs to know he is in control, and
that there is nothing she can do about that (except safeword out of the the
whole thing). While peeing standing up might get to be a drag, it's not in and
of itself, difficult. So she is faced with a dilemma of being honest and loyal
and obedient, or doing what she wants to do. She becomes victorious in her
obedience to Him, by overcoming her natural inclination. And at the same time, a
small taboo is broken (girls pee sitting down). Her soul becomes tied to His.
Take this responsibility seriously. And it is clearly a responsibility. If
you wish to dally with many a woman, play cybersex, top all you want. But don't
go to D/S. You will damage her, emotionally, and spiritually, if you dally with
a r/l sub in the D/S world. Not all relationships work out. Not every partner
you start out with will be the one you end up with. But you have to treat each
partner with the respect and care she deserves. Which brings us to issue number
two.
Separate the relationship and the play. D/S is a difficult thing to maintain,
over a long period of time, with any degree of intensity. Just like any form of
BDSM play, communication is critical. We all say that...but what do we mean?
Communication has to be divided into two worlds.. the world of play and
domination, and the world of "me and you working out our problems." If there is
an issue that impacts the relationship, the D/S couple has to be able to work it
out. If she has a problem with something, and the Dom simply stays "in role" and
commands her to deal with it, she may feel she is not being taken seriously, he
only wants her for sex, etc.. In short, the relationship is going to run into
problems. If he has a problem with something, and she stays in role, merely
accepting what he says, then trust can falter. Again, problems in the
relationship will only get worse.
So what needs to happen is for the two to be able to either maintain their roles
but work together as equals, or to be able to drop the roles and do the same
thing. From a Dom's perspective, we have to be very, very careful how we handle
these issues. It is ok for a Dom to say "there seems to be some tension, I want
to talk about it." Chances are, he is going to have to initiate that
conversation, maybe even work with her to draw out her complaints, state his
complaints very carefully, and fairly, and then take on the responsibility for
seeing to it that everyone is satisfied with the results. That is how problems
are resolved in a 24/7...but it requires the Dominant to really step forward and take
charge, take responsibility, and to be extremely sensitive. Dropping the roles
for a period of time works pretty much the same way. The key issue is, the Dominant
must always be willing to accept that they have made mistakes, apologize for
them, make any future changes that are needed, and go on from there. If you are
a Dom who simply wants to be right all the time, and doesn't want to be bothered
with the feelings of the other person, you can expect to go through a lot of
partners and hollow relationships. Which brings us to Ragnarok's First Rule:
Ragnarok's Rule #1: Always maintain your submissive's self esteem.
This means don't question her dedication, loyalty, sexual skills, ability to
satisfy you, appearance, ability to make you happy, etc. Especially not as a
part of play. This is a common problem for new Doms. Don't criticize her value
as your submissive. This cuts to the core, and is not part of being strong and
strict. It undercuts her self value, and will not endear her to you in the
slightest. Even women who crave humiliation play want to be good at it. Push her
buttons by all means, but not that one. Which brings us to our second rule:
Ragnarok's Rule #2: Always keep your love present in her mind.
If you are plying your hold over her effectively, you will keep her thinking
about you. Perhaps it is with some trinket you require her to wear. Or some
article of clothing you don't allow. Or a ritual you require her to perform on a
regular basis. Or a symbol that she wears or has nearby. There must be
something. She is like a kite. You need to tag a tail onto her for stability,
and you need to hang her from a string, which binds her to you. It's ok to let
out more string at some times, or pull her in close to you at others. But she
needs that stability...that is why she is there.
Ragnarok's Rule #3: Never reward bad behavior.
New Doms like to use punishments as a way of justifying what it is that we do.
But as soon as she begins to feel that she must mis-behave (especially in
channel, when he is not there) in order to get some of what she wants (a yummy
spanking, for example)...the Dom is headed down a very difficult path. He will
quickly loose any semblance of control over her. She's a slut puppy, after all.
We all are. So she will mis-behave until she just can't stand any more fun. And
it will be the type of fun that she wants, when she wants, and how she wants it.
Sound like she's topping from the bottom? You got it. It's ok for her to have
some fun, get into trouble, and be punished for fun. As an occasional side-line,
it's a really fun role play. But the Dominant needs to be in control. This type of
behavior also tends to drive the more experienced submissive in the channel
nuts. So:
Ragnarok's Rule #4: The punishment fits the crime, and Ragnarok's Rule
#5: Never strike in anger.
If she is naughty, within the scope of having
the Dom's permission to be naughty, she gets play punishment, which is what both
want in the first place. It's an elaborate dance which both enjoy. But if she is
naughty without having permission. Or if she has done something outside of their
collar agreement (or understanding, if there is no collar agreement), then play
is not the consequence. Dom's don't with hold sex to punish...if you do, you
will quickly build a dis-functional relationship, with tremendous problems.
Don't go there. But you also don't give sexual satisfaction as a reward for
doing something you didn't want her to do.
The key here is...the bad behavior wasn't appropriate...so it's not part of D/S,
and sex isn't a part of the solution. Talking about the problem, letting her
know that you aren't pleased (without damaging her self esteem), and giving her
the chance to gain forgiveness will resolve the immediate issue. It will also
help her understand not to repeat that behavior in the future.
By the way...striking in anger is abuse. Doesn't matter if it is on IRC or real
life. She will know, from your mannerisms and language what is going on. My
advice to submissives who have experienced this is to run, and tell everyone
they know. A Dominant without self control is dangerous to his partners, and to our
community, and need to be sanctioned until their behavior changes.
Another piece of this puzzle is that an
appropriate punishment for a play offense (given the above rules about
maintaining self esteem and having permission to be naughty) has to be found.
Some that are NOT appropriate include: not letting her talk to her friends on
line, anything r/l dangerous, anything r/l that may cause her to get into
significant trouble if caught, anything that may "out" a person who wants to
maintain privacy. Obviously judgment is required. Punishments that are
appropriate: setting her to a variety of tasks, which can include something she
doesn't like to do and puts off (cleaning the bathroom?), sending her on a hunt
for something hard to find, inexpensive (unless she's filthy rich, in which case
you really need to introduce me!) But that would give you some pleasure. Give
her a task which makes a gesture. How about a wax impression of her belly
button? If you've done your homework, and know what makes her monkey jump, the
right task will be easy to find. Be careful that it isn't too easy...also be
careful that it isn't too demanding or difficult (e.g. wake up every hour, on
the hour, and send me an email...even more unrealistic if she is married, has
kids, works, etc). Again, use your judgment.
Rule #6: Be honest.
This one goes without saying. But you see it violated all the time. Are you
5'2"? Don't tell her you are 6' 6". Heavy set? Be honest. Balding? Same thing.
If your relationship goes well, you may well meet at some point...you never
know. It's a bit hard to fake that extra 14 inches in real life. I know, some
people think IRC is
about fantasy...and it is...but first and foremost
it's about people. Real people. Real trust. Real feelings. So tell the truth.
Could this mean that the 23 year old playboy model won't drool all over you?
Yep. It could mean that. And it could mean that you are exactly what she is
looking for. But I'll guarantee you that what she isn't looking for is a liar.
So, take the plunge, be honest. I've had people tell me they didn't want to play
with me, for a whole variety of reasons. And I was disappointed. But I'm also
honest, and I don't want a partner who doesn't really accept who I am, or what I
am. And I don't want to have to live a lie here on IRC. It is the one place we
all can be afforded the luxury of being brutally, totally honest, and still be
accepted. Why mess with that?
Rule #7: Be ready to learn.
You will never know everything about BDSM. Or D/S. The world of it is simply too
large. There are physical techniques to master, there are mental techniques to
master. And every partner, every play party, brings you new opportunities to
learn and for you and your partner(s) to enjoy.
Rule #8: Be ready to teach.
Teach, where you can. Share. I am greatly in the debt of those who have taught
me, Dom, Domme, and submissive alike. Don't be arrogant. Be patient, be willing
to share. And remember, that you learn as much by teaching as you do by
studying.
Rule #9: Be ready to love.
Yep, the L word. It leads to committments, to caring, to exposing yourself
emotionally, and to happiness. D/S can become your world. But you have to be
open to it.
Rule #10: Give back to the community.
This is the rule where I wave the Dominant submissive (D/S) flag and sing our anthem. The online
community, the r/l community have created an environment where you can learn and
enjoy what it is that your nature propels you to. In many ways, you could not be
whole without it. Don't take it for granted. Participate, organize, contribute
your talents, to the extent that you can. You'll find your efforts
rewarded....what it is that we do is all about people...so be one. And
remember...safe, sane, and consensual.
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Click the ask live icon to chat live or leave a message with our site host. CJ isn't always available, but generally you can find Him here from about 8:30 - 11:00 pm Eastern time. Your questions about the site, the Asj community or just about the lifestyle in general are always welcome. If nothing else, take a moment and tell us what you think of this feature!
