Is it Worth It? 

You have met them. You have read the things they write. You have seen them in the chat rooms. You have talked to them at munches, met them at dungeons, and sat with them at group meetings. They are people that preach and talk a lot about how BDSM saved their lives. How finding BDSM on the net saved their marriage. How BDSM touched them so much that they left everything to follow their dream of domination or submission.

And I am sure you have watched their relationships break up. Heard about their nasty divorces and custody battles. I am sure you have heard them cry, bitch, and moan when their fantasy lives fell apart. Or you have known someone that stomped out of the BDSM community after it all came crashing down and of course it was "BDSM" that was to blame ... or some dominant or submissive.

Or you may know someone struggling now. Seeking that collar or whip of gold, throwing their lives away, the kids, their family, everything they have for this "lifestyle" that they suddenly cannot live without. They spend all their time in chat rooms playing online games. Or at the clubs, munches, dungeons ... always seeking, always looking to live out their fantasy.

We all know someone that fits one or more of those descriptions.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that some have found that BDSM changed their relationships enough to salvage a marriage that was falling apart. And it is great that some feel that they have found their rightful place by discovering BDSM. But they are not the only ones out there. And all it does is make me think of all those that have lost or are losing everything they have over a dream of fantasy. To not be the dreaded "vanilla."

I know I differ from a lot of folks within the community, in that I know I could be happy living vanilla. Hell, most of my life is vanilla. I am a single mom, my job is vanilla, my every day life is vanilla, taking care of my kids is vanilla, my family is vanilla, and I am cool with that. I do not see anything wrong with being vanilla.

And, I have never felt the need to surround myself with this so-called lifestyle or drown myself in it. I know that my love for my Master means more to me than him being my master. So if the day ever came that he said, "You know what, Rogue ... I am tired of all this and I just want to chill and be vanilla all the time" ... I would not leave him, I would adjust, and I would still be happy with him. BDSM is not a defining or deciding factor in my life. It does not in anyway determine my destiny or the choices I make.

But, I see my sexuality differently than some I suppose. It is a part of me, but does not define me. And it is not all BDSM. I still love vanilla sex. I do not have to be beaten and bruised to get off, though it is nice! *weg* And as much as I love my Master's hand around my throat, I would not leave him should he decide not to put it there anymore. His hold on my heart is much stronger than that.

And through the years I have seen those that fell for the romanticized bullshit of the BDSM Romper Room (what I call online BDSM). I have seen women leave their husbands, men leave their wives, and people destroy their families because playing in a chat room became more important to them then their own families and reality. And I almost allowed that to happen to me in a way. I was never a chat room fan, but I had a dom that expected me to spend the majority of my time catering to his whims and not the needs of my children, home, and life.

And I have watched those that have allowed their minds to prefer fantasy over reality lose everything they had only to eventually regret it and walk away from the online bullshit. Unfortunately, dungeon and dragons BDSM does not pay the rent nor keep one's bed warm at night. And unfortunately they found that out too late. Kids, spouse, family ... all destroyed for some fantasy bullshit found online. A shame actually.

I have also seen couples whose relationships were falling apart find BDSM and think it was the cure-all they needed to keep them together. And it worked for awhile. For a few it even worked for years. And for some it really is a cure-all because it was the culmination of what was actually needed. But for most it is a band-aid on a much larger problem that festers without proper attention.

I know it is so easy to talk about how BDSM changed one's life and how great it is to be a dom or sub, master/mistress or slave, top or bottom. For some that is true. For some it is a feeling of coming home and discovering an aspect of themselves that they felt they had to hide in shame for years. For some, BDSM is a cover, a band-aid, an escape from a reality that is really inescapable. You can play for awhile, but everything that was wrong before will still be wrong in the end. Problems do not go away without work. Band-aids only cover emotional issues for only so long before they fester and require attention. Running only works until your legs get tired. Eventually one must deal with their life and everything that involves.

So, if you are thinking of walking away from your spouse and kids to chase down that elusive happiness you think your going to find, think some more. Think about the people you are going to hurt. Think about the lives you are going to shatter. Think about what you are really giving up and for what?

If you are spending all your time with some dominant or submissive online and not in your real life, is that a life? If you are glued to your computer screen, are you really living? If all your money goes to fetish wear, cover charges, and gas to and from events, group meetings, munches, and dungeons ... what about the rest of your life? Do you even have one?

Is your quest for this fantasy life you have built really worth all your giving up? If your answer is yes ... will it still be "yes" when reality finally comes home to roost? When your hindsight will be 20/20? Will it still be "yes" when you realize that BDSM is an aspect of sexuality, not a cure-all for the world's and our relationships ills?

I do not think so.

Rogue © 2002. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted with the permission of The Hard House

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Revised: December 09, 2016