BDSM & Kids

Can D/s be maintained in a house with children?

Since becoming firmly ensconced within the D/s lifestyle one of my earliest questions and concerns was how would I be able to maintain my need for D/s without disrupting the life of my child or children to be.

There are so many things to consider when entering into this type of lifestyle on a more permanent basis. (Such as the wish for as close to a 24/7 D/s relationship as you can get.)

One thing to consider is if your children are from the relationship with your current D/s partner or former partner (someone acclimated to the lifestyle you lead) or from a former "vanilla" partner. If it is the latter, is your ex now aware of the lifestyle choices you've made? Does he or she understand that nothing will be flaunted in the face of the child? Does he or she understand that you have not lost your mind, but are fully learned of the care and safety which must be a constant factor involved in certain aspects of play? Does he or she refuse to discuss and think you've totally flipped out? Does he or she not know at all? The answers to these questions will all have a profound effect on how you choose to evolve the D/s within your "new" family dynamic and how at an appropriate time determined by you, you will introduce your child to your chosen lifestyle choices.

Let's say for the sake of this writing that you are in a well thought out, well discussed, well accepted by those you've told, family arrangement. When do you tell a child? How do you introduce them to the idea of how you've chosen to live your life? Should you at all?

My thoughts are that we don't give kids today enough credit. Children are inundated with sexuality via music, television, advertisements, etc. My on ideas are this are - When my daughter is old enough to ask me what a penis is, what sex is, where babies come from or how they're made, she's old enough to hear to the truth of each of those. I don't plan on calling penis' "wee wee's" and vaginas' "pee pee's" or "cookies" or any other such nonsense. She'll be raised to understand that ways of human nature and the proper names. Hopefully I'll raise this child to understand that (hopefully) sex occurs between consenting adults who've developed a close loving relationship. However, I would think by the age of 14 or 15, my daughter will be well aware of sex and if not knowledgeable at least aware of all the many types of "lifestyle" choices that can be made and I would not have a problem at that age filling her in with the "facts" of this lifestyle if she showed curiosity. I think one of the worst mistakes a parent can make with a child is not giving them enough credit to hear "the truth" about things they have already had to face "out there in the wide world" for years already.

I believe that D/s can be implemented in a relationship with kids in the house from day one. D/s isn't something that is "all kinky sex" all the time. There are subtleties to this lifestyle that can be in place and in motion around children, friends, family, anyone and anywhere. Rituals and agreed upon "rules" set in place such as walking to a certain side of your Dominant, waiting to eat at the table until your Dominant has taken his or her first bite. I know one couple who after the children are in bed, she goes to retrieve her cherished collar from their room, and kneels at his feet for him to place it around her neck and she wears it until she wakes in the morning to ready their kids for school. When they sleep, one of his fingers is hooked into the D ring on the collar. Simple things that for us would have so much meaning, but would never have to be of the "in your face" variety that might upset the children or neighbors.

My mother knows my Dominant, she doesn't know that we are a D/s couple, however she thinks he is the best thing on Earth for me, and has made the comment many times "you need someone like Him to keep you in line" (*g*). I think she sees us as a throwback to the more "traditional" couples of the forties or fifties, and after having a daughter whose lived as a club kid, punk, goth, chick..etc.., she's very happy that now I'm "normal". So I see no reason why with care and thoughtfulness, the D/s lifestyle can't be lived to its most fulfilling even with children in the house. No one has to hang out the "we're here, we're kinky, get used to it" sign on the front door, but neither does it have to all be hidden away to be treated as something nefarious.

The best advice I think anyone could give is to be very up to date with the laws in your state, province, country, etc. Give consideration to the age and maturity level of your children, and only provide information you are sure they are capable of understanding. Just as with the rest of the world, pick and choose carefully when and how you are going to tell someone about your chosen way of life and then only provide the basics unless your feel your child's curiosity shows a readiness to hear and understand what you are about to tell them.

And as always - Beautiful Journeys.

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