Is BDSM Deviant Sexual Behavior?
by Cheryl Williams
In the world of BDSM (bondage, domination, masochism and sadism),
there have always been questions as to whether such behavior is normal
or deviant sexual behavior. To those who are not a part of the
lifestyle, it is a lifestyle that is often misunderstood, and that
misunderstanding is based on ignorance regarding the subject. To these
people, it is often deemed to be deviant sexual behavior. Even to those
who are actively engaged in the lifestyle, there are questions as to why
they prefer this kind of activity as opposed to activities which are
considered more conventional.
Life choices are often made based on prior life experiences. To say that
those experiences have no part in your decision to become a part of the
BDSM lifestyle would be to deny this fact. To say that making such a
choice makes you a deviant, however, is a misconception.
Deviants are to be found in most social groups. There are deviants in
churches. There are deviants in government. There are deviants in
families. There are deviants in the BDSM community, though these people
are the exception rather than the rule. Just as there are also good,
loving and successful people in these other groups, there are also good,
loving and successful people in the BDSM community.
Those who are an active part of the BDSM community are there as
consensual adults. They are there because they enjoy the life and in the
community they find a level of understanding and acceptance. They do not
seek to harm anyone and they hate any form of abuse just as much as
those in the "vanilla" world. They do not seek to prey on anyone or take
advantage of anyone.
Do some people enter into BDSM to work on past issues? Yes. This is no
different than people who enter into any other segment of the population
to help themselves come to a better understanding of themselves. In the
world of BDSM, there are certainly those who come from abusive pasts and
tortured childhoods, but these people also exist outside of the realm of
BDSM.
In BDSM, those who seek a better understanding of themselves
are able to work those feelings out in an an environment that is
safe, sane and consensual. There is a level of trust and
commitment in a dominant submissives relationship that is often
lacking in other relationships. Feelings are expressed in a
controlled environment and safety is always of the utmost
concern. This is why the use of safe words is encouraged in any
dominant/submissive relationship. If a particular scene gets too
intense either physically or psychologically for the submissive,
all she has to do is say her safe word, and the dominant will
put an immediate stop to the scene.
A common misconception regarding the area of BDSM is that those
involved are pedophiles, rapists, and abusers. This could not be
further from the truth. The community abhors such behavior and
would never sanction any of them in any way, shape or form.
Some people within the community consider BDSM to be somewhat
therapeutic. Karen is typical of what many submissives have come
to experience within the lifestyle. Having grown up in an
alcoholic, abusive home, she was taught to keep her feelings to
herself. Whenever she tried to express her feelings through
anger or tears, she was punished. As a result, she entered into
adulthood feeling nothing. She felt numb most of the time,
feeling neither pleasure nor pain.
Karen had always felt inwardly submissive and wanted to explore
that side of herself. When she entered into a dominant
submissive relationship, she soon found that she must learn to
trust and be able to open up to her dominant. This was very hard
for her to do, because it was hard for her to trust anyone,
including herself, with her feelings. Over time, however, he
helped her to slowly become comfortable enough to open up.
Karen soon learned that he accepted, encouraged and welcomed her
tears. There were times when all he did was hold her and allow
her to cry as he lovingly stroked her hair, telling her she was
such a good girl. This was something she had been denied in
childhood and was extremely healing to Karen. Because of this
she was able to trust him in a way she had never trusted anyone.
Because of this she was able to finally trust her own feelings,
good or bad. It was also therapeutic to Karen to know that she
always had it
within her control to stop a scene if it became too intense.
This was also something denied to her in childhood when she was
being abused.
To some, Karen's story may be seen as deviant sexual behavior.
To Karen, it was an experience that was very healing to her, and
because of it she became a stronger and happier person.
An example of behavior within the community that might be considered deviant would be the story of Camilla. Camilla had always felt horribly guilty for the sexual abuse she suffered as a teenager. She felt it was, in some ways her fault. As a result, she felt the need to be punished.
When she entered into a BDSM relationship with a man who was
angry and looking for a woman to beat, it turned into a very
sick and twisted relationship. Neither were in the relationship
for the right reasons, and the scenario that resulted could have
resulted in tragedy. The relationship was consensual, but it was
neither safe nor sane. Fortunately, someone else within the
community stepped in and explained to Camilla that she was in
the relationship for the wrong reasons and that the man she was
submitting to was also in it for the wrong reasons. The
relationship ended before anyone got seriously hurt.
Is BDSM normal or deviant behavior? Just as in any community, it
depends on the situation and the individuals involved.
This article is posted with permission of the author. Watch for Cheryl's new novel soon to be published, The novel deals with teenage girls, body image and self esteem. You can also find other articles by Cheryl here on the Asj website, check our index page.
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