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Common Mistakes New People Make in BDM and Dominant
The number one mistake I see made by those new to
BDSM or Dominant submissive (D/s) relationships is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about
playing. While there are some safety rules that should be
followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved
in the BDSM scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that
you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.
Another common mistake is rushing into
things. I know that after years and years of suppressing
this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find
out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But
rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time
to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for
pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first
get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local
organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.
A mistake I often see new submissives make is submitting
to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just
because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress",
"Dom" or "Domme" in their screen name doesn't
mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or
submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable,
experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned
respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this.
If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they
Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is
in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will
sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more
common is a new submissive setting too few limits. They feel they will
not be desirable or "submissive" enough if they have
limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks
you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience
at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dominant won't
agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits
will change as you become more experienced. What you won't
submit to this year, you may crave the next.
Something else I have seen is the "Dominant is
always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules
The Dominant is always right
If the Dominant is wrong, refer to Rule #1
That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dominants are human and
are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the Dominant
submissive gods to
respectfully suggest to your Dominant that he may be wrong...
especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a
submissive doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the
dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and
apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".
Finally, many newbies think that the Dominant's pleasure is the
only thing that matters. Sure, as a submissive it is your job to please
your Dominant, but it should please you as a submissive, also. We play
these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you
do something to please your Dominant that you don't enjoy, if you
find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the
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Revised: November 26, 2016