Offline Honesty

Wandering around the net, I have popped in and out of D/s and BDSM chat rooms, and among other questions, this one comes to mind. "How can a Dominant or submissive (married or committed to a real time relationship) uphold the Lifestyle values of honor, respect, honesty and love when they are playing with an online partner?

We all know that online relationships can be very emotional, and that the emotional exchange between a virtual couple may become extremely intense. How can one be totally committed online and in real life? If the online relationship is a secret one, how would the real time partner feel to suddenly learn about what was going on in the virtual world? Geeze what an eye opener. The heartache would be unbearable, the sense of betrayal immense. Knowing full well that they can not compete with the virtual world, where all subs are beautiful, graceful and never have a bad hair day; where all Doms are strong, confident, and never show signs of weakness. Not to mention what began as just an online relationship, may evolve into phone conversations and perhaps a meeting, if the couple lives close enough.

If you are in a real time relationship, and you are finding that you are going into more chat rooms, and more often, you may be searching for something that you are missing with your real time partner. It is time to take a look at yourself and assess your current situation. Think about it. Is it fair to your partner to go searching for something that you might already have at home? Will your partner feel the pains of betrayal if he/she was to found out? There is NEVER a bad time for honesty. Sit and talk with your real time partner. It may be difficult at first. (Who do you know that feels comfortable baring their soul, sharing their deepest desires and fantasies, much less admitting what they may have been up to online?) If you are totally and completely honest, the end result may be a pleasant surprise. I wont lie to you, if your real life partner is one who is prone to jealousy or emotional outbursts, the initial talks may be far from pleasant. But in the long run..... being entirely honest will pay off.

Returning to the original question "How can a Dominant or submissive (married or committed to a real time relationship)uphold the Lifestyle values of honor, respect, honesty and love when they are playing with an online partner?" It's important to mention that this depends entirely on the boundaries of their specific relationship. There are real time D/s couples that go online and each have their own online relationships sanctioned by one another. Some of these consisting of simple play partners, while others are deeper and more emotionally charged relationships. There are also real time D/s couples where one or the other either doesn't go online or has no interest in an online relationship. As long as the activities of the mate online are within the accepted boundaries of the established real time relationship, these too, can be fulfilling. So long as the participants uphold the foundation of trust, honor, respect and love.

The problem arises when these ideals are swept aside for whatever reason. For some holding information from their mate has less to do with continuing their online *affair* and more to do with the exploration of their own self. (reaching beyond the erotic) It may be relatively simple to share your desire for a certain 'kink' with your mate. Yet telling them that it is deeper than that, that your need to express your Dominance or submission outside of your sex life is a fundamental need, this can be difficult. You feel vulnerable to their rejection, not of some 'sex act' but of who you are. This, in itself, can discourage even the brave from being entirely forthright with their mate.

Sometimes one person in a r/t relationship is entirely willing to explore the physical aspects of the Lifestyle, yet may consider the other facets of BDSM to be a 'game' or role playing. If you already know in your heart that it's much more than that, it can only add to your insecurity in sharing. You may feel accepted and understood in the online BDSM community. You balk at the conversation where you let your mate know how much you would like for your own relationship to move in that direction. You may have visions of them laughing or of having to defend a lifestyle you know feels right to you. Though the prospect of making this step, possibly an uncomfortable one, isn't very welcoming...the fact is you owe it to your mate, and you owe it to yourself.

Your online relationship may be filling a void within. Your Dom or sub online may be someone you love, trust, identify with and care for deeply. But if you are truly committed to your relationship real time, you could be letting this 'easy way out' stand in the way of what could be the most amazing thing....to actually be on that journey with your mate. There is nothing wrong with online D/s..there is something wrong with dishonesty.

The values we all strive to have as the cornerstones for our relationships within this lifestyle are honor, respect, love, and honesty, to name a few. Make the effort to embody these values and be honest with your mate. The truth is, you'll never find fulfillment with a foundation of lies.

by ~katarina~ and hippykisses