What Makes a GREAT Dominant Partner for a Submissive?

One Submissive's List of Absolutely Necessary Traits and Ways to Find Out If He Has Them

Let’s say you are searching for your Dominant, your “One”. Sure, a full toy bag or two might be important – for a month, or a year, or, more likely a day. Floggers, cuffs and clamps can be purchased in a gazillion places, by any Joe Schmo with a credit card. But, what are the attributes and character traits that make for a great relationship with a Great Dominant? What about the behaviors that make the MAN worth considering as a life partner, or for that matter, a play partner on a Saturday night? Let’s not even call them behaviors. Let’s call them character traits and innate qualities.

Must Haves: Traits and Qualities of a Great Dominant That I Would Consider Accepting

Honesty
Trustworthiness
Integrity
Self-Control
Sense of Humor (even at himself)
Desire to Learn and Grow, both for himself and for his partner
Dependability

Then, there are the innocuous, even silly traits that are different for every submissive. Does he adore classical music, and it grates on your ears? Is his favorite food liver and onions, while you would rather die that eat an organ that filters waste from mammals? (ok, that one is mine, but fortunately, my Master doesn’t even like the smell of liver, with or without onions) Is pink his favorite color to dress his submissive up in every day? Does pink make you retch? (ok, that one is mine too, but he can live without pink – that was part of the negotiations before we ever became a couple!) These examples are simply the ‘fluff’ of a relationship, but what about the inherent character traits that make a Great Dominant?

So, how do you know if he possesses the traits and qualities that make a great dominant?

First of all, take your time getting to know the man, not the role he might play in your life. Does he exhibit self-control? When he’s driving down the highway and someone cuts him off, does he rage and scream and try to ‘get back at’ the errant driver? Doesn’t sound like self-control to me.

Honesty, Trustworthiness and Integrity all pretty much work together, at least in my mind. Do you hear him fibbing a little or a lot to his boss, his friends, his ex-wife? Was he sitting at the computer cybering three girls at once, all while telling you they didn’t ‘need’ to know about each other? Did you find out he is a garbage truck driver and not the owner of Fullocrap Industries, like he told you and everyone else? Doesn’t sound like honesty, trustworthiness or integrity to me.

A sense of humor. Essential in a lifestyle that often ends up in hysterically funny positions, er, situations. When you beg to be released from his full rope bondage gown that he just spent two hours at perfecting each and every knot and braiding the crotch ropes, and suddenly you need to use the little submissive’s room, does he laugh and say, “Sure, no problem! I built in a quick release!” and then patiently re-tie every knot when you come crawling back for more? Or, does he yell, “You bitch! I TOLD you to go pee before we started! I am not releasing you! This rope work is art!” Well, THAT surely doesn’t sound very much like he has a sense of humor to me, much less the fact he just flunked Self-Control 101, not to mention about 15 other standards in my head!

Did you know, the Asj Community hosts ‘Dominant submissive and BDSM Lifestyle Classes and Discussions’ here online every Sunday evening at 9:00 pm Eastern Time. The Classes and Discussions are open to all and Free to attend. Visit our Members Only Pages for more information, or click any of our “Member/Visitor Support” icons to ask for more information.

Desire to Learn and Grow, for you both. Who needs a partner who thinks they already have all the answers, before the two of you have even begun to figure out the questions!
If you have this burning (no pun intended) desire to experience fire play, wouldn’t you want to know that he would seek expert training before lighting you on fire? Or needle play! (EUWWW, for me anyway!) Part of his ‘job’ and yours, is to keep you safe from harm. If he can’t admit that he doesn’t know everything about everything, and harms you trying to show his ‘skills’, well, that doesn’t sound so great to me!

Dependability. Does he get up every workday, go off to work, pay his bills on time, show up when he says he will be there, walk the dog before bed – you know the type? Or does he call in sick because he ‘just doesn’t feel like’ going to work? Red Flag! Doesn’t sound like dependability to me.

Every submissive who is deciding what is important to her (or him) will have their very own set of "Traits That Make a Great Dominant"! Take the time to work out what is important to you, before going off in search of the Perfect Dominant! Take the time to know yourself, your needs, your desires!

In any long-term relationship, play and role play is a small part of your 24/7 life together. Know your partner well, know yourself well, and know that as a couple, your commitment to getting through life’s little glitches (or huge hurdles, for that matter), will guide you well into a fulfilling, exciting and loving relationship, as Dominant and submissive, as partners in life.

Questions about our site? We've added something new on our site.. Click the ask live icon to chat live or leave a message with our site host. CJ isn't always available, but generally you can find Him here from about 8:30 - 11:00 pm Eastern time. Your questions about the site, the Asj community or just about the lifestyle in general are always welcome. If nothing else, take a moment and tell us what you think of this feature!