Asj online communities
- Visit our online community, including our chat rooms, member profiles, blogs and more.
- For those of the Gorean (Gor) persuasion, yes the Asj chat rooms include a Gorean Chat room, considered to be a safe zone for all who visit.
ask live online
Can't find what you're looking for, have a question about the Asj community, or the lifestyle in general, click the icon to chat live with one of our site monitors. We're proud to be one of the few D/s or BDSM sites to offer this feature.
may we suggest...
- The Asj Online community receives a small percentage from any purchases made by using these links. This minimal income helps to offset the cost of maintaining this website.
-
-
-
-
-
Weekly Topic/Class/Discussion Notes - Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Building your D/s Relationship
Class log
06
[CJsHere] 9:12 pm : okay,, as I recall, the last class we talked a
bit about entering into a D/s relationship,
some of the expectations along the way,,
[CJsHere] 9:14 pm : One of the things that we all seemed to agree
on,, when you accept a collar,,
essentially nothing in the relationship changes, since the
"collaring" is essentially an ongoing process that
you build up to..
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : each relationship is different, and there will
be things unique to that relationship that
others may, or may not do...
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : but, again, let's talk some generalties,, the
average, or "norm" so to speak..
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : first,, expect a Dominant to be in charge, to be
the one that makes decisions in the
relationship..
[CJsHere] 9:16 pm : ultimately, the Dominant is the one that will
steer and guide the direction of the
relationship,, but don't misunderstand that,,, it still takes two to
tango... The Dominant is going to want
your input,, that "communication" process..
[CJsHere] 9:17 pm : don't expect that every Dominant is going to
micro-manage the entire relationship,
dictate your every move, although yes, in some relationships that
may be the case.
[CJsHere] 9:18 pm : Now to talk some specifics,, yes, all little
things, but they all add up to form the big
picture of what is expected..
[CJsHere] 9:18 pm : Some Dominants (many) will set a standard for
clothing that is to be worn (or not
worn) by the submissive,,
[CJsHere] 9:19 pm : for some, yes, this may be very specific,, ie.,
wear that today,, period... for others, it
may be more of a generality,, ie., the Dom expects you to wear
dresses every day,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:20 pm : keep in mind not all Doms do this
[CJsHere] 9:20 pm : yes, I know, you all have heard the stories
about the Doms that say,, no, you can't
wear panties,,, or you have to wear see thru dresses,, or can't wear
clothes any more period.. chuckles,
for the "most part" those are online role play games,
[CJsHere] 9:21 pm : sure, there may be a Dom that says "no, you
can't wear panties",, but when that is
done, usually that's done at a specific time, for a specific
reason,, and for those that don't think so,, hmm,,
now how does that work during that time of the month,, (just
something to consider)
[CJsHere] 9:21 pm : nods in agreement with LC,, yes, as I pointed
out,, "some Doms" . not all.
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:22 pm : or when kids are home
[Pavlov] 9:23 pm : Or she's feeling really ill
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm : as long as we're talking about panties,,, give
it some thought,,, there are personal hygiene issues that come into play here,, in many situations, it can
actually cause health issues or concerns
by not wearing panties,, for example, when wearing tight blue
jeans,, no panties, you might find some
issues with yeast infections or skin irritation.
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm : so, so much for the theory that a sub/slave will
never again wear panties,,
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm : and yes, I know, that's but one example,, you
may hear others about bras, slips, skirts,
shorts, you name it,, again, if the Dom is making these decisions,
I'd hope and assume He was making
them for specific times, specific occasions, and not just a flat out
this is how it's gonna be rule.
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm : another very common thing for the Dom to step up
to the plate and take charge of is
the girls schedule..
[CJsHere] 9:26 pm : again, this is not the case for every Dom,,, or
every situation,,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:26 pm : at all times the Dom must be cognizant of
the surroundings
[CJsHere] 9:26 pm : but, the Dom may dicatate a time the girl will
get up, a time for her to go to bed.. He
may establish meal times, or times to do household chores,, and yes,
it may even include a time for you to
go to work,,
[CJsHere] 9:28 pm : again, in establishing that schedule, more than
likely, that schedule will include some
"personal time" for the girl,, time for her to relax a bit, maybe
read a book, write a letter, meditate, or just
attend to personal issues,, maybe even shopping,,
[CJsHere] 9:28 pm : shopping, did I really say that? hmm, all the
Dom's will be after Me now.
[JP Dominic] 9:29 pm : maybe shopping for the Dom
[CJsHere] 9:29 pm : and yes, some of that time may be tied into her
actions,, ie., if she misbehaves,
maybe she won't end up with that shopping time today,
[vanity fair] 9:29 pm : heeeeeheee
[manda] 9:29 pm : hahaha
[subkat4] 9:29 pm : uh, ohhhhh
[CJsHere] 9:30 pm : conversely, maybe if she does all that is
expected of her, she'll end up with additional
free or personal time,
[CJsHere] 9:31 pm : The Dominant may establish guidelines (or
rules/protocols) of how the house is to be
kept, for example, it may be something as detailed as to how He
expects the towels and linen to be folded
and placed in the cabinet,
[CJsHere] 9:32 pm : or it might be as general and vague as,,
Saturday is house cleaning day, I want it
done..... and yes, if you've got a doubt as to what is expected by
your Dom, be sure to ask for
clarification..
[CJsHere] 9:32 pm : and yes, again, depending on the relationship,
there are some Dom's that will simply
say, the house is yours to take care of,, make it so.
[CJsHere] 9:34 pm : the Dom may establish protocols, or rituals of
how and when things should be done,,
for example, He may establish, 11:00pm is bed time,, you are to go
into the bedroom first, dress (or
undress) for bed, turn the blankets down,, and wait for Him,
[CJsHere] 9:35 pm : the rituals or procedures may include things
such as how/when to prepare and serve
meals,, to lay out his clothing, who knows, maybe even warm up the
car in the winter,,
[CJsHere] 9:36 pm : again, these are things that the communication
process will draw out,, and they are
things that are based on the unique requirements and needs of your
individual relationships.
[subkat4] 9:36 pm : ...this all 'assumes' a 24/7 relationship
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : nods, yes, it primarily assumes a 24/7 r/l
relationship, but oh wait, think about it,, yes,
these things can also be tailored to, or adapted to an online or
long distance relationship,,
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : perhaps the specifics will change, but the ideas
or concepts are still the same,,
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : make sense?
[rowan-oak] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[manda] 9:38 pm : Yes Sir CJ
[brandy] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[vanity fair] 9:38 pm : *nods*
[fire_AsjFG] 9:38 pm : yes Master... maybe not starting the car...
but many of the other things can be
done online..or L/D
[twinkle] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[brandy] 9:38 pm : L/D ?
[laynie_MBS] 9:38 pm : yes Sir
[fire_AsjFG] 9:39 pm : long distance...brandy
[CJsHere] 9:40 pm : again, remember, the uniqueness of your
particular relationship will determine all of
these things,, none of these things are cast in stone to apply to
every realtionship,, heck, some may not
even have a car.
[CJsHere] 9:41 pm : relationships, just like those in them are
unique,
[CJsHere] 9:42 pm : If you get bored, check out some of the articles
and chat logs here on the Asj site
regarding the subject of doing chores.
[CJsHere] 9:43 pm : there are many that think that it's the
submissives responsibility to do essentially
everything in the relationship while the Dom sits on the couch and
watches t&a as you prance back in forth
in front of Him as He watches the football game,
[CJsHere] 9:43 pm : that isn't quite reality,,,, sure, the girl may
have some tasks,, and yes, you may even
be a slave,, but come on,, reality check,,,
[CJsHere] 9:45 pm : have I stirred up any questions or comments yet?
[JP Dominic] 9:46 pm : how much if any of this should be in writing?
[brandy] 9:47 pm : that is "part " of the communication process, i
would think..
[CJsHere] 9:47 pm : hmm,, that's hard to answer, on the one hand, I
want to say, the more you commit to
writing, the less chance you'll have of "forgetting" something, or
"misunderstanding",,, but again, reality
here, somethings may be common sense,, and again, how much are you
micromanaging the relationship.
[brandy] 9:47 pm : if it needs to be in writing so she does not
forgett, until the task become routine..
[stargazer] 9:47 pm : it depends how "forgetful" your girl is Sir
[CJsHere] 9:47 pm : nods to star, or, as the case may be, how
forgetful the Dom is,
[fire_AsjFG] 9:48 pm : lol
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : again, reality check here,
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : so, in writing solves that forgetful dilema.
[manda] 9:48 pm : sticky note pads lol help
[fire_AsjFG] 9:48 pm : are W/we talking notes on the fridge here...
or contracts?
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : it could be either fire.
[JP Dominic] 9:49 pm : I was thinking more along the line of written
protocols
[vanity fair] 9:49 pm : a contract sounds good to me
[stargazer] 9:49 pm : a chores list would make sense to me
[manda] 9:49 pm : yeah me too
[brandy] 9:49 pm : a contract over housework , to me, is maid
service..
[manda] 9:49 pm : chores a list would be nice
[manda] 9:49 pm : lol brandy
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:49 pm : lol brandy - i agree with you there
[CJsHere] 9:49 pm : and there are some examples, if you explore the
Asj site a bit,, in the chores
directory, there are some samples of how to really spell out a
chore, some girls/Dominants may want or
need that kind of detail, again, others only generalities.
[brandy] 9:50 pm : a list is o.k...until things are done to E/each
O/others satisfaction..
[manda] 9:50 pm : i agree with van and brandy
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:50 pm : as i've said from time to time, i'm not
your maid, i'm not your nanny and i'm not
your mother
[manda] 9:50 pm : i agree with trace
[CJsHere] 9:50 pm : in MOST cases (again, probably not all), please
remember,, taking a collar doesn't
equate to suddenly finding a sugar daddy.
[vanity fair] 9:51 pm : heehee nice trace and very much sums up the
essentials
[brandy] 9:51 pm : tY trace..
[JP Dominic] 9:51 pm : maid, sub hmmmm...interesting association (as
the sub's hog pile on this Dom)
[brandy] 9:52 pm : a Dom is not a "meal-ticket"..so there..
[CJsHere] 9:52 pm : and while trace's comment is perfectly valid for
her relationship, and I'm sure many
others, there are relationships that becoming the sub/slave is
exactly that,, becoming the maid,, again,
those things need to be spelled out,,, and yes, that is perfectly
okay as some girls seek nothing more than
that,
[Pavlov] 9:52 pm : brandy another sub might be happy in that role
[brandy] 9:53 pm : o.k., then if she is happy..so be it..
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:54 pm : that's true Sir CJ - every relationship
is different and there may be subs who
thrive on household chores and need that strict structure and may
need to act as her Dom's "mother"
and/or be a nanny to Him and/or His kids - for me, not so much
[CJsHere] 9:54 pm : what about the "s" word,, where does that fit
in,, sex.
[manda] 9:54 pm : i agree with Sir CJ
[Pavlov] 9:54 pm : wherever we can
[fire_AsjFG] 9:54 pm : anywhere...and everywere..
fire_AsjFG ducks again...
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:55 pm : lol fire - and every which way
[CJsHere] 9:55 pm : first, let's get it straight,, no, sex is not a
requirement for a D/s relationship,,, although
the reality, for "most" adult D/s relationships, yes, it is a
component,
[curious] 9:55 pm : again that is negotiated
[Pavlov] 9:55 pm : true curious
[CJsHere] 9:56 pm : yes, the couple involved should/will establish
their limits or boundaries,, and yes, both
the Dom and the sub should consider the sexual needs, desires and
yes, even fantasies of their partner.
[JP Dominic] 9:57 pm : sex is one place for sure a sub needs to tell
her Dom where the boundaries are; I
think Dom's nature is to have no boundaries when it comes to sex
[curious] 9:57 pm : do you really believe a Dom's nature is to have
no boundaries?
[CJsHere] 9:57 pm : many would think that JP, but in reality, in
many cases, you'll find the Dom actually has
stricter limits than the sub
[vanity fair] 9:57 pm : i dont
[Pavlov] 9:57 pm : no
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:58 pm : I agree CJ.... some Doms have stricter
limits than subs
[JP Dominic] 9:58 pm : example of a strict limit?
[CJsHere] 9:58 pm : again, with both the Dom and the sub,, each
needs to be acutely aware of the other,
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : lol. example JP,, that will vary from couple to
couple,, I may enjoy something you
abhor, and vice versa,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:59 pm : certain times.... places..... positions
etc JP
[Pavlov] 9:59 pm : This weekend I introduced my best friend also a
Master to a slave friend of mine. She
likes her tits nailed to a board, My friend refused to play with her
because of that extreme
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : and strict, hmm, what is strict for one, may be
lax to another,
fire_AsjFG eeeps
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : I'll pass on the carpentry lessons Myself,
[Pavlov] 10:00 pm : LOL
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:00 pm : that's got a hurt
[CJsHere] 10:00 pm : but to each their own, I guess,, (ugh)
curious cringes
Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:00 pm : I like tits too much to nail them to a
board\
[stargazer] 10:00 pm : speachless
[Pavlov] 10:00 pm : Amen to that.
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:00 pm : lol my Lord
[curious] 10:00 pm : lol Sir LC
[vanity fair] 10:00 pm : Amen, indeed
[JP Dominic] 10:01 pm : what about a Dom's requirrement for sex on
demand?
[CJsHere] 10:01 pm : which is a natural lead into BDSM,, what about
BDSM involvement,, is that
something the sub should expect?
[curious] 10:02 pm : Sir, doesn't that also depend on the
relationshi & what has been agreed to?
[laynie_MBS] 10:02 pm : it is for this sub lol but again that must
be negociated
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:02 pm : that would be talked about before
[fire_AsjFG] 10:02 pm : expect?... W/we already said... it isn't
something in D/s... but can be...so it will be
discussed
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:02 pm : agrees with laynie
[CJsHere] 10:02 pm : lol.. speaking as a horney Dom JP, sex on
demand sounds good,,,, but again,
better consider reality in those demands,
[manda] 10:02 pm : lol
[Pavlov] 10:03 pm : There's a lot of stuff going on with my girl,
she's asked once in a while for a no toy
weekend. She still serves me very well and we have a lot of fun,
just no toys.
[littlegirlRR] 10:03 pm : hehehe
fire_AsjFG
[CJsHere] 10:03 pm : as long as reality is taken into account, I see
nothing wrong with sex on demand,
IF that was what was negotiated in the relationship.
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:04 pm : I agree CJ
[CJsHere] 10:04 pm : as to BDSM,, again, nothing says BDSM must be a
part of every D/s
relationship,, but again, to one extent or another, I think in most
adult BDSM relationships you'll find at least
some form of BDSM included, perhaps not to the extreme of using
nails,,, but,,
[fire_AsjFG] 10:05 pm : remember... we girls are human...
[CJsHere] 10:05 pm : again, remember there are many things in BDSM
that are also quite commonly
found in the plain ol vanilla bedroom,
[CJsHere] 10:05 pm : BDSM isn't all whips, chains and hammer and
nails.
[Pavlov] 10:05 pm : lol
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:05 pm : perks at whips
[vanity fair] 10:05 pm : oh my
[laynie_MBS] 10:06 pm : completly
[littlegirlRR] 10:06 pm : their is much more to it
[laynie_MBS] 10:07 pm : whips are good but there is a lot more than
that
[manda] 10:07 pm : i take good old spanking lol
[CJsHere] 10:07 pm : whips, taws, floggers, canes, paddles, crops,
cat-O-nines, again, lots and lots of
things you can use,, use what works for you,,
[laynie_MBS] 10:07 pm : its all good manda
[CJsHere] 10:08 pm : okay, questions or comments so far?
[JP Dominic] 10:08 pm : speaking of a paddling, how but sex on
demand or a paddling...she gets to
negotatiate.
[CJsHere] 10:09 pm : it seems to Me we've covered a variety of
things, but they all seem to have
somethings in common, anyone care to guess what they are?
[Curious6] 10:09 pm : who doesn't sex on demand?
[curious] 10:09 pm : communication, negotiation?
[manda] 10:10 pm : pleasure and pain
[Pavlov] 10:10 pm : communication
[JP Dominic] 10:10 pm : I agree, communication
[fire_AsjFG] 10:10 pm : the big *C*
[CJsHere] 10:10 pm : nods, communication,, and yes, negotiation,
just like everything else in
establishing and maintaining a strong, lasting D/s relationship,
these things play an important role.
[CJsHere] 10:10 pm : anything else that seems common to all we've
talked about?
[curious] 10:11 pm : respecy
[curious] 10:11 pm : respecty
[manda] 10:11 pm : trust
[curious] 10:11 pm : can't type respect
[CJsHere] 10:11 pm : chuckles.
[twinkle] 10:11 pm : note: learn big "C"
fire_AsjFG winks at the twink
[twinkle] 10:11 pm : smiles to fire
[CJsHere] 10:12 pm : I think the other biggie that stands out,,,
what works for one, or is right for one,
may not be right for you.. your relationship is exactly that, your
relationship,, treat it as such, it's unique,, and
that's okay.
fire_AsjFG agrees
[fire_AsjFG] 10:12 pm : there is no One size fits A/all
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:12 pm : nods - everyone is different
[JP Dominic] 10:12 pm : so the other thing isthe big "U" for unique?
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:12 pm : I agree CJ
[laynie_MBS] 10:13 pm : very true
[CJsHere] 10:13 pm : just because you have limits,, needs, wants,
desires, that doesn't mean you have
to find or accept a relationship partner that won't honor those
things,
[manda] 10:13 pm : yes Sir
[CJsHere] 10:13 pm : you don't have to just accept things "cause
that is the way it is"..
[curious] 10:13 pm : and because each party is unique there will be
a need for communication, negotiation
and sometimes compromise
[vanity fair] 10:14 pm : plenty of the compromising stuff curi lol
[manda] 10:14 pm : agrees with curious
[CJsHere] 10:14 pm : Dom's, anything You'd like to add to what we've
talked about so far?
[CJsHere] 10:15 pm : fire,, anything to add. ?
[fire_AsjFG] 10:15 pm : no thank You Master...
[brandy] 10:15 pm : as i have said before and i will say it
again..the vanillas could learn a thing ot two
from the "alternates"..
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:16 pm : compromise sometimes is a must in every
D/s relationship
[laynie_MBS] 10:16 pm : no thank You Sir
[stargazer] 10:16 pm : no Sir CJ, thank You
[brandy] 10:16 pm : wonderful class, as always....tY SIr..
[curious] 10:16 pm : thank you Sir LC
[dreamtheirsleep] 10:16 pm : no thank You Sir CJ
[littlegirlRR] 10:16 pm : agrees with Sir LC
[manda] 10:16 pm : great class Sir CJ
.