a submissives journey

Asj online communities

ask live online 

may we suggest...

Weekly Topic/Class/Discussion Notes - Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sunday May 2, 2010

BDSM within a Dominant / submissive (D/s) Relationship - Spankings

[CJsHere] 9:10 pm: I had a couple of PM's suggesting some "topics" this evening, so I guess we'll try and jump into those,, a reminder, if we're talking about something and you don't undertand, have a question or comment, or even a different opinion, please.. open up ,, ,share with us,, this is not a lecture,, it's a discussion,,,
[CJsHere] 9:11 pm: Okay, seems like for some reason there is an interest this week in the "BDSM" side of things in a D/s relationship..
[CJsHere] 9:12 pm: first, I have to use a bit of a disclaimer,, keep us all out of trouble..
[CJsHere] 9:13 pm: Now, my disclaimer: In many states, it is against the law to hit people.  Your “spankee” cannot legally consent to be hit.  Everything I say in this discussion is purely hypothetical.  Check your local laws.  While it is HIGHLY unlikely you will have the SWAT team bursting through your windows, stranger things have happened
[CJsHere] 9:13 pm: One of the requests to talk about was spankings,,,
[CJsHere] 9:14 pm: hmmm,, interesting topic,, for some, a spanking might nearly be the end of the world, for others, it's almost instant orgasm.
[Seksimp] 9:14 pm: one of my fav subject glad I remained here
[CJsHere] 9:16 pm: A Dom that uses spanking as a punishment has to first make sure He understands his sub/slave well enough to know how she'll take that spanking,, will it be accepted as a punishment, or will she be busy topping from the bottom, misbehaving to get a spanking that she actually enjoys and craves?
[CJsHere] 9:17 pm: Yes, it is entirely possible that a girl knows the difference between a punishment spanking, and a pleasure spanking,,, and that same girl can actually accept the difference,, fearing even dreading the punishment, yet when told it's for fun,, actually be elated at the thought,
[CJsHere] 9:17 pm: but no, not so with every girl .
[CJsHere] 9:18 pm: As a Dom,, if you haven't ventured into spankings before,, do a bit of reading up on the subject,, one of the things you'll learn,, until you've become familiar with what you're doing, and the girl that you're doing it to... don't try using anything other than your bare hand,
[Seksimp] 9:19 pm: Punishment I feel has more to do with the state of mind or emotional attached to the action.
[CJsHere] 9:19 pm: that's quite true Seksimp.. and many don't understand that,,
[CJsHere] 9:19 pm: that's why sometimes a simple "look", can accomplish as much as any spanking could ever accomplish,
[fire] 9:20 pm: agrees
[Seksimp] 9:20 pm: very true
[Seksimp] 9:21 pm: one must commutate before any action becomes worth while
[CJsHere] 9:21 pm: girls, if you haven't been spanked before. no, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you because you want to experience it,, and no, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you because you're terrified at the concept.
[CJsHere] 9:22 pm: remember, one of the cornerstones of this lifestyle is communication.. long before anyone lays you across Their knee to paddle your tush,, these are things you should have spoken of..
[Seksimp] 9:23 pm: and consented to before hand
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm: share your thoughts and "concerns" about spankings,, if you've had them before, don't hesitate to let your Dominant know,, don't hesitate to talk about good, or bad things you experienced with them.
[Seksimp] 9:23 pm: CJ hope Im not stepping on you to much
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm: not at all.. ;)
[CJsHere] 9:24 pm: your comments are welcome, and don't hesitate to take the floor for a bit,
[Seksimp] 9:25 pm: I can relate a horror story if you like about this very thing
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm: if it's your first time being spanked,, no, you should not be expecting to get up from the spanking, severely bruised, black and blue with large welts and blood running from the cuts.. that's abuse.
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm: nods to Seksimp. listens,,
[new_seeking] 9:25 pm: whispers....Thank God...
[Seksimp] 9:26 pm: I was in contact with a woman in england, who told me she love a good spanking
[Seksimp] 9:26 pm: well i travel a lot and meet here on day in leads
[Seksimp] 9:27 pm: a great woman and really nice girl and very pretty
[Seksimp] 9:27 pm: but with taking the time to relly get to understand here
[Seksimp] 9:28 pm: we spent the day togeather and ended up in a hotel with one thing leading to anther
[Seksimp] 9:29 pm: and I had here bent over the drawers and was gooding to just give her 10 light swats
[Seksimp] 9:29 pm: before dinner just a little warm-up beforing going out
[Seksimp] 9:30 pm: well about number 10 she started yelling and freaked out, now up to this point she was really enjoying herself
[Seksimp] 9:31 pm: after i got here calmed down i started talking her here and found thst she hard been really abused by someone in her past
[Seksimp] 9:33 pm: and what i did not know was that for years she very affriad that it would happen again
[Seksimp] 9:33 pm: and that I was the first that she had talked bdsm with for many years
[Seksimp] 9:34 pm: and when i was just swating her all her fear came back
[CJsHere] 9:34 pm: Unfortunately, those things happen,,,, hence the importance of good, solid, open and honest communication. If that girl had opened up and talked a bit, explained her issues, thoughts and concerns, do you still think that issue would have gone down the way it did?
[Seksimp] 9:35 pm: no, not at all in fact after we got it all out in the open had a pretty good time
[Seksimp] 9:35 pm: long story, tried to shorten
[CJsHere] 9:36 pm: nods, honesty and communication will make a more enjoyable time for all, whether it is a "one night" thing totally BDSM,, or a long term D/s relationship.
[new_seeking] 9:36 pm: TY for sharing Sir Seksimp
[Seksimp] 9:36 pm: no problem that why we are here
[Seksimp] 9:37 pm: so we all dont have to learn the hard way
[CJsHere] 9:38 pm: Each of us will have our own preferences of how we approach spanking,, as an example. for Myself, I prefer that when I'm "spanking a girl for enjoyment", I prefer things that tend to involve a ritual of "positioning", perhaps over the knee,, while for discipline,, I much prefer something more distand, whether the girl bends over the edge of a bed,, bends over grabs her ankles, etc.
[CJsHere] 9:38 pm: there is "NO" one way, or position that is right for all forms of spankings, either pleasure, or punishment,
[CJsHere] 9:39 pm: Spankings are something that should be approached with care, from all concerned.. I've seen girls that have told Me, don't worry, i can take what ever you can dish out, my last Dom was a masochist,, hmmm,,
[fire] 9:39 pm: scoots further in the corner
[CJsHere] 9:40 pm: now, what one girl may think of as a masochist, another may think of as a teddy bear,,
[CJsHere] 9:40 pm: never fall for that trap! approach the girl (or the Dom) as if neither has ever spanked or been spanked before.
[CJsHere] 9:41 pm: One Dom's idea of "gentle" may be just short of making some pretty sever welts, while another's might leave you wondering when He's going to actually strike you..
[Seksimp] 9:42 pm: Finding someone who makes onther comfortable is the hard part
[RB0629] 9:42 pm: Something else to consider is you frame of mind. Be sure that You are not angry/frustrated when You administer the swats...
[CJsHere] 9:42 pm: rule of thumb, first time out with any Dom, they should be using their bare hand... no belt, no whip, no "taws" (My personal favorite)... sure, after you've both felt the hand, seen the reaction, then sure, step up to something else.
[CJsHere] 9:43 pm: excellent point RB!!!
[fire] 9:44 pm: hides behind baby....from the "taws" word
[alainnannym] 9:44 pm: If I may inquire, Sir CJ...what are "taws"?
[gothicangel_WB] 9:44 pm: raise an eye brow
[CJsHere] 9:44 pm: a Dom that is really upset or frustrated with you,,, (read that angry) will probably tell you that you've pissed Him off, and that you've got a spanking coming,, but He's going to wait a bit,,,, when that happens, you're probably much better off, letting him cool off a bit,
[new_seeking] 9:44 pm: wonders what "taws" is?
[Seksimp] 9:44 pm: one thing that i like to remind Doms and subs is that you have time
[Seksimp] 9:45 pm: and to take time afterward to talk
[CJsHere] 9:45 pm: a taws, is essentially a piece of leather, usually fairly stiff.. about 18-24 inches in length,, perhaps 1 1/2 inches wide,,, maybe 3/8 inch thick,,, usually a "split" tongue on the end,
[CJsHere] 9:45 pm: usually a fairly stiff/rigid piece of leather,, and ouch,,,
[babydoll0629] 9:46 pm: hides behind fire
[RB0629] 9:46 pm: sounds like it
[gothicangel_WB] 9:46 pm: sounds like fun
[CJsHere] 9:46 pm: but, it gets the point across,, ;)
[new_seeking] 9:46 pm: hides ALL leather objects!
[Seksimp] 9:46 pm: one can always hit harder next time but hard to take bach hurting someone
[fire] 9:46 pm: pushes baby back out front
[babydoll0629] 9:46 pm: lol
[alainnannym] 9:47 pm: Mm. Thank you for the clarification, Sir.
[gothicangel_WB] 9:47 pm: sceardy cats
[babydoll0629] 9:47 pm: meows
[fire] 9:47 pm: isn't into punishment tyvm
[Kao] 9:47 pm: I agree, Seksimp. Good point.
[gothicangel_WB] 9:47 pm: i'd say hide behind me but you both won't fit
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm: girls, you'll also find that your Dominant may have subtle things He does that will give you an idea of just how "pissed" He is,, for example. yes, I wear a belt.. have worn if for a long time,, it's one of those "favorite things".. but, on the end of this belt, I have a rather sizeable belt buckle,,, if you've been around Me awhile, you'll know it's one thing when I take My belt off to use it,, it's an entirely different issue when I take My belt off, remove the buckle from the belt..
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm: and then prepare to use it,
[CJsHere] 9:49 pm: checks the list of names of who's in the room,,, chuckles, some of you may be "aware" of who this example I'm gonna talk about is, no, do not share it, lol..
[Lobby]: celticWarrior has left at 9:49 pm
[CJsHere] 9:51 pm: recently I had an issue with a girl that "earned herself" a couple of good lashes with a belt.. not a problem,, that can be dealt with,, so, the girl was essentially laid across the side of the bed,, as I raised the belt to give a good swing,, suddenly this little sweetheart decided it might be a good thing to try to lunge and dive under the bed..
[fire] 9:51 pm: laughs
[CJsHere] 9:52 pm: that could have been very very damaging, and/or painful to the girl.. suppose she lunged just as My swing started,, and I effectively couldn't stop it,,,, no telling where she may have been hit, perhaps on her tush as intended,, but what if it had hit somewhere else,, her kidney, her back, her face..
[CJsHere] 9:52 pm: that could have been very disastrous to say the least..
[CJsHere] 9:53 pm: Doms, beware, these things happen,, girls, if you're going to get your tush beat,, it's best not to squirm too much,, and if you don't think you can hold still,, tell your Dom ahead of time,,, it will remind Him to be careful..
[CJsHere] 9:54 pm: I hope that makes sense....
[Seksimp] 9:54 pm: to all it has been a good time but after the nascar race this weekend i need some sleep and I need to head out, please feel free to drop me a line if you choose too
[new_seeking] 9:56 pm: writes in her contract.....no spankings....
[CJsHere] 9:56 pm: spankings can be very enjoyable.. but, they can also be very painful.. remember, communication,,, it has to be there,,
[CJsHere] 9:57 pm: Anyone have any questions about anything we've talked about this evening?
[alainnannym] 9:58 pm: Sir CJ, in the case of a potentially squirming sub, would it be acceptible for the Dom/me to bind the sub?
[CJsHere] 9:58 pm: nods, yes, that is a consideration, and a perfectly logical, or acceptable one.
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm: again, that's something that has to be decided based on that particular couple.. there may be reasons that preclude this,, and yes, depending on the girl, and the Dom, it might also be possible to physically hold her down.
[gothicangel_WB] 10:00 pm: tries to see Sir WB holding me down , nah not gonna happen
[CJsHere] 10:00 pm: you'd be surprised da,, amazing what a foot on the back of your neck, or the small of your back will do sometimes.
[gothicangel_WB] 10:00 pm: shorter then me
[gothicangel_WB] 10:01 pm: lol Sir CJ have you met my Sir?
[CJsHere] 10:01 pm: If He were a three foot midget,,, the position I just described will work wonders.
[CJsHere] 10:02 pm: anyone else have any questions?
[CJsHere] 10:03 pm: If there aren't any other questions,, RB,, Kao,, anything you'd like to add to this evening discussion?
[CJsHere] 10:04 pm: not hearing anything, girls, any of you have anything to add?
[RB0629] 10:04 pm: All I can really say is take it slowly, communication is the biggie, and have a safe word in place
[fire] 10:04 pm: good point Sir
[new_seeking] 10:05 pm: this girl suggests that ALL spankings be done with a feather! :D
[RB0629] 10:05 pm: lol seeking
[Kao] 10:05 pm: No that hasn't been covered. I have had a sub start crying and creating after a few spanks.
[Kao] 10:05 pm: The after care was of great importance.
[CJsHere] 10:05 pm: ahh, Kao.. you make a very good point,
[CJsHere] 10:06 pm: and yes, one I completely neglected to even mention,, I'm very remiss at that,
[CJsHere] 10:06 pm: might I prevail upon You for a moment to talk about aftercare?
[babydoll0629] 10:06 pm: please do Sir
[Kao] 10:08 pm: Well, I'm sure we have all done it. The time right after an intense "session" when the sub is in subspace or emotionally shaken up. Its that soft caressing and comforting to bring them round again.
[Kao] 10:08 pm: Healing cuts with cream, soothing rashes from belts and the like.
[Kao] 10:09 pm: I think Seksimp covered it when he mentioned comforting him sub(?) when she broke after the 10th spank.
[fire] 10:09 pm: You might be surprised Sir....not All do it...unfortunately
[CJsHere] 10:09 pm: nods, excellent points Kao,, but also remember, aftercare can be as simple as saying a few words,, it's not a wise idea to "beat a girl".. say I'm pissed and storm out..
[CJsHere] 10:10 pm: Y/you might find that even a simple explanation of "hey, you've done wrong,, you've been punished, now lets move on" can accomplish a lot..
[Kao] 10:11 pm: I'm surprised that it isn't just a natural reaction. Maybe I should be harder next time ;)
[CJsHere] 10:11 pm: I've found that a lot of novice Dom's think that you have to love and cuddle a girl after you've punished her, that's rather self defeating,,, after care doesn't have to be all hugs and kisses.
[new_seeking] 10:11 pm: mumbles.....yes it does....;)
[fire] 10:12 pm: ;)
[CJsHere] 10:12 pm: it can be nothing more that "assurance, or reassurance".
[fire] 10:12 pm: giggles
[Kao] 10:12 pm: Ah, I agree. I was talking from a scene rather than a punishment.
[CJsHere] 10:14 pm: nods, and that can apply to a scene as well..
[CJsHere] 10:14 pm: in the BDSM context, aftercare is often overlooked since essenitally the scene is a meeting, have some play, and bid each other good night, perhaps never seeing each other again,
[CJsHere] 10:14 pm: that's one of the things I personally have against BDSM play for plays sake,
[CJsHere] 10:18 pm: Okay, if no one else has anything to add, let's call this a night.  I appreciate all of you being here.

 

   .