The submissive as a People Pleaser
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Of all of the tendencies of a submissive personality, the tendency which causes the most problems (outside of our inherent attraction to assholes) is the desire to please everyone at the same time.
The nature of a submissive is to please people. In a perfect world, a submissive would find one or two trustworthy souls (hopefully a parent or a spouse) who wants the best for them and they would find their release in pleasing that person. Such a setup is ideal; by doing what is best for themselves they please their chosen person, and fulfill their submissive nature at the same time.
But what happens to a submissive who isn’t in such a situation?
There are many different paths an unplaced submissive can take, including attaching themselves to someone unworthy, being in complete denial, suppressing their submissive nature…. etc.
However, one of these most common ways to deal with an inherent submissive nature is to become a people pleaser.
Everyone knows at least one people pleaser. They can be spotted by their willingness to help, the fact that they’re always "available" even if it means only getting 2 hours of sleep, and their prevalence on volunteer boards.
Wherever people need things from other people, you can usually find a people pleaser.
Submissives are very good, very miserable people pleasers.
If the underlying drive of a submissive is for love and affection (really everyone’s drive) and they feel that love and affection best, and FEEL best after pleasing someone, they are going to constantly look for someone to please.
That can lead to problems, especially if a sub can’t find a single person. Then there is an overwhelming tendency to please everyone, and AVOID confrontation at all costs. Confrontation is very uncomfortable for a submissive, more so than for an independent personality. Not only is the other person NOT going to be pleased, but in the sub’s mind it is all their own fault.
I used to be a people pleaser. I used to avoid confrontation like the plague while simultaneously attempting to keep everyone happy. It’s not easy, and it’s not emotionally healthy. However, it feels better than being independent, and not caring. I have a dependent submissive personality; I NEED the input of other people like I need air. I need to feel at home within a group, which is why attempting to be everything to everyone came naturally to me.
I’m getting better about falling into that trap, but every now and then I misstep. I WANT to be liked, and a part of me is more than willing to risk my sanity in order to feel wanted and needed. It’s a battle I fight every day, to limit my submissive scope to Justinian and his goals for me, and let the world go to hell. Sometimes it takes a conscious submissive gesture to remind me, but I need to be reminded.
My advice for all other people pleasing subs in the world? Stop. Give yourself a breather. If you can’t find a good dom, find a friend who can remind you to take care of yourself first. Then listen to them when they order you to do so.
People pleasing may feel good temporarily, but there’s hell to pay at the end. You’ll spend your time being indecisive, confused, exhausted, and bitchy. No amount of temporary release is worth that much drama.
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