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A submissives journey - Establishing a 'safe word'
The concept of a safe word to use during sex
comes from the bondage community. A safe word is a word or phrase
that either partner can say when the scenario gets too uncomfortable
to continue. Although the idea of a BDSM safe word (safeword) originated in a
particular subculture, any couple delving into unfamiliar sexual
territory for the first time should have one.
.
Advantages of Having a Safe Word
There are many advantages to having a safe word.
The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should
always feel fun and safe. Whether you’re tying each other to the
bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safe
word makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at
any sign of discomfort.
Secondly, you and your partner will be more likely to try new
things, because you will be released from any psychological
obligation you might feel to finish an act you are uncomfortable
with.
Most importantly, though, establishing a safe word with your partner
will open lines of communication. Talking about having a safe word
to use during sex is a good way to talk about other aspects of your
sexual relationship. When you broach the subject of having a safe
word for sexual experimentation, you can express to each other
things that you would like to try, things you are hesitant to try,
and things you are absolutely uncomfortable with.
Choosing the Safe Word
For myself, a safe word (safeword) that I’ve used is “potato,” because it’s a word I wouldn’t normally use in most conversations, let alone during sex. Also, the word “potato” has significance for me. When I was a teenager, my friends and I would use the word “potato” to mean that a parent was about to enter a room in which someone was making out with a girlfriend or boyfriend.
I’ve known couples who’ve used “safe word” as the safe word (safeword), simply for lack of a better idea. Whatever you choose, make sure that you and your partner are both absolutely clear on what saying the safe word means during sex or BDSM play.
When your Partner Says the Safe Word
If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you
are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of
the situation. If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk
about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press
for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word
exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a
scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your
partner must immediately respect your need to stop.
Ironically, though, establishing a safe word for sexual
experimentation will often make stopping a situation unnecessary.
The fact that you have a safe word is sometimes enough to make a
partner feel comfortable enough to try new things with less
apprehension. Having options is empowering, and the option to stop
uncomfortable sex without explanation or apology will open up your
world to a whole new range of sexual possibilities.
