A submissives journey

Words like "pain," "sadist," and "masochist" ring warning bells with many newcomers to BDSM. People see these words and immediately think of abusive, nonconsensual situations. Remember, though: BDSM refers to consensual activity. This does not mean that no one who does BDSM is abusive or ever gets abused, but simply that for a wide range of people, S/M is fun, pleasurable, thoughtfully engaged-in, and rewarding. The difference between abuse and consensual activity is a constant area of concern in BDSM, whether one is considering one's own situation, that of one's partner(s), or that of complete outsiders over whom one has no control.

What draws individuals to BDSM varies from person to person. Many folks daydream about it from childhood on and only discover it is feasible to find commensurate partners much later in life. Others stumble on it as adults out of the blue by hearing about it from a friend or through the net or the media. Many submissives and bottoms hold responsible positions in everyday life and find that the contrast of being able to relax and be done to instead of doing all the work is appealing. Many doms and tops are awestruck by feelings of protectiveness and nurturing intertwined with any feelings of power or sadism they experience toward their partners. Almost universally, the actuality of what people experience is not like the simplistic depictions of BDSM.

The first rule of thumb when it comes to emotional safety is: When it comes to you, do only what you want to do. If pain is not for you, don't do it! If submission is not for you, don't do it! If topping or domming is not for you, don't do it! The same goes for all aspects of BDSM, including bondage, humiliation, suspension, electrical play, whatever.... If you don't enjoy it, then don't do it. It's that simple.

What you do is your responsibility. If your partner wants you to do it and you cannot, it is your responsibility to speak honestly for yourself. You are not ready to play, much less to worry about others, if you do not have the strength to evaluate and set your own standards for yourself. And yes, life is complicated, not black and white and not always trivial. But it is your job to take the final responsibility for yourself.

The flip side of this observation is to have some faith that people other than yourself who choose to engage in BDSM are also responsible adults, even if they differ in astonishing ways from you! You will be surprised to find that the people who do BDSM grapple with such questions all the time. The religious, social, family, and friendship taboos associating BDSM with abuse are so pervasive that almost no one does BDSM without eventually wondering in some way about the possible negative consequences or motivations behind what they are doing. It's healthy to wonder, but in the end too much to be attacked to the point that you are ashamed because of incessant social morals about what you have chosen as an informed adult to do.

If someone has thought carefully about these issues, it is insulting to challenge that person endlessly. On the other hand, to not challenge someone to consider these issues can feel irresponsible. There is no uniform answer to how to handle situations where you are unsure how much the other party knows about the distinction between abuse and consent. You just do the best you can to wend your way between respect and concern.

No, pain is not all physical. Sometimes, it's in your head and your heart as well, and sometimes, those scars are the hardest to heal. Here are some tips to lessen your chances of getting them in the first place.

1. Be honest. With yourself. With prospective partners. Never be ashamed to admit you don't know something, or to ask questions. If you're looking for 24/7, don't tell someone you only want to play. If you're looking for love and romance, be up-front about it. If you are dishonest about what you want, it's not only you who could get hurt in the long run.

2. Never reveal too much about your personal life to anyone online. There are too many people who'll use your heartaches and problems for hot IM gossip.

3. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Your instincts, once again, are your greatest gift and resource. Use them, and listen to them.

4. Heed warnings. If you're told by several people that a prospective partner could be trouble, LISTEN. Take into account that it's someone else's opinion of someone you're getting to know, but always listen, and openly ask your partner about what you hear. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you believe everything you hear, but always hear what someone is trying to tell you, and always, check it out.

5. If a prospective partner asks you not to ask anyone else online about them, ask yourself why. Then ask them why. And if you can't come up with any satisfactory answers, either walk away, or proceed with EXTREME caution.

6. If a prospective partner is hesitant with personal information after you've already given yours, then take it as a warning. FIND OUT WHY.

7. Don't get dragged into online gossip. It may be fun for awhile, but eventually it will only come back to haunt you. There are people online who have nothing better to do. Don't become one of them.

Think for yourself. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself. And above all,

Ensure your own safety, no one else will.