How D/s can help a marriage outside of the bedroom
Well, ONE way it can help…
I suppose I’ve always known, but I just fully realized one of the ways our Dominant/submissive style helps our marriage. I know I’m always tooting the communication horn, but this is the subcategory of expressing yourself.
I’m not sure this one will work on paper (or screen), but I’ll try to get it down in words.
Before we made the switch, I’d often have trouble really expressing myself. I’d keep things bottled up because it wasn’t worth wasting his time, or he might not understand, or another million reasons I had. I thought I was being a nice wife by just keeping quiet about any discontent or sadness. Turns out, this is another area where He knows best.
What is different now? He can and will use his role as Dominant to make me open up. If he sees I am having a problem with something, or just not acting like my normal happy self, he will call me to him. He may cuddle me in his arms or if he thinks the situation more serious, he may sit me on my knees in front of him. He is wise enough to ask questions and silence is not allowed as a response. I may be uncomfortable, but I obey and answer.
I’ve come to understand why this is so important to our marriage. I’m a strong, “I’ve got this” type of woman. Any problem I have is MY problem and I’ll figure it out. That’s a bad philosophy for a marriage. When I’ve found the need to come to him with ‘stuff’ in the past, I feel guilty for wasting his time, for making any small complaints when overall things are really good. I feared an argument. The result was I don’t actually get anything off my chest because I don’t put the emotion in it, he doesn’t understand me, nothing changes and so I really did waste both of our time.
Now, he will get all ”Dommish” on me. Require of me that I spill my guts, even if it’s messy. He’ll ask more questions about how this makes me feel. He demands an answer and he’ll wait. If tears come, he’ll stroke my hair in his lap, but won’t back down about needing an answer. Sometimes I can only talk when he’s forceful about it.
I’m trying to explain why this works so well for me (and other submissives too). As a submissive, trying to control the situation before just didn’t work for me. Now, He controls it. I’m not wasting his time by sharing my feelings, I’m obeying. The pressure is gone to choose my words carefully or only reveal a little bit. By asking, sometimes sternly, for me to express myself fully, he frees me up from all the ways I would edit myself in the past. A freedom I could never give myself.
I don’t feel like I’m bothering him or being silly anymore. I’m simply submitting. It’s who I am to my core. I’m lucky enough to have chosen as a husband a man who will not only ask for physical submission, but who will ask I submit my feelings and inner thoughts upon request.
I needed this so badly and didn’t realize it. If he made me mad about something before, he had to deal with a silent, icy wife all day. Now he can just sit me down and say ‘tell me what is bothering you, say it out loud right now’. He frees me up to say to his face “I’m angry with you”. Because he’s in control, he doesn’t feel attacked and I don’t feel bad about expressing it to him. If he feels the need, he may apologize or explain himself and we usually both feel better. If he feels I have overreacted, he at least will acknowledge my feelings, but then says something along the line of ‘this ends right now’. He might send me to our room and tell me to come out when I can treat him warmly again.
To put it simply. Before I felt like a high maintenance pain in the butt when I needed to talk about something and so I didn’t express myself very well. Now, I’m being a good and pleasing submissive partner by sharing because he demands it of me and I can open up to him like never before. I can’t tell you how freeing this is. When he gives me no choice but to share myself, I can do it with abandon instead of fear.
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