Embarrassment, Humiliation and Degradation

Psychological play is one of the most intense forms of edgeplay in the BDSM Scene, and often the most misunderstood.   It is difficult to demo and equally difficult to observe in public dungeons, although it is usually present in one form or another.   The terms "embarrassment", "humiliation" and "degradation" mean different things to different people, depending on their triggers.   This represents one person’s opinion of those terms.

Embarrassment is something we are all familiar with.  Everyone, at some time in their lives, has done something embarrassing.   The physical symptoms are often blushing, increased heart rate and mild panic.

Humiliation in the Scene is used to demonstrate the power exchange, with the Dominant subjecting the submissive to some mental or physical trial that illustrates his power over her and he willingness to surrender that power.   The submissive may have a physical reaction (often arousal) or she may simply endure for the sake of submission and derive her pleasure from that demonstration.

An experienced Dominant once defined the difference in this way:  Embarrassment is something you do to yourself.  Humiliation is something that someone else does to you.  I’m still thinking about that one, but it’s an interesting way to compare the two.

Verbal Humiliation attacks a person’s humanity;  that trait that we call pride.   Whether done in a hurtful manner or in a consensual format, it pokes fun at our dignity.   Telling a humiliating story about something a person has done or using words to cause a person embarrassment about something demonstrates that the Dominant has the power to make the submissive tolerate the situation.   The Dominant usually enjoys the display of power and the submissive enjoys the relinquishment of that power.

Physical Humiliation is about the same power exchange, but in a more obvious way.   A Dominant might demonstrate his power over her by making her wear something that she is not comfortable wearing, forcing her to display her body in a way that she is uncomfortable with, or do something that illustrates his ability to control her.  When giving a submissive an order to do something humiliating, be patient.   There is a period of time that is required for this to sink in.   She will likely take a few seconds to believe that you actually said what she thought you said, a few more seconds to convince herself that she must obey this order, and more time to summon up the courage to actually act on it.   Many Dominants make the mistake of taking this inaction to mean that they have gone too far, and will often retract or soften the order in some way.   This robs the submissive of the opportunity to demonstrate her submission.   Be patient!   In the negotiation process, discuss how much resistance she is likely to have to acceptable humiliation and how to handle that resistance.   Make sure there is a safeword or safe statement that she can make to indicate that this is beyond her ability at the present time.

It is not necessary that anyone else actually witness the humiliation.   Sometimes, simply performing in front of the Dominant is humiliating enough.   Another option is to have the submissive perform a humiliating feat in private, while threatening to repeat it at some future point in public.   Just be careful not to threaten too often without actually following through on the threat.   Your credibility must be maintained.   Her anticipation of this future event will probably be as powerful as the actual event.   Good examples of public humiliation in the vanilla world might be having the submissive wear some clip, clamp, plug or bondage under her clothing while having dinner.   Although completely unseen, the presence of observers will probably cause fantasies of discovery.   A common ploy is to tell a submissive to leave the restaurant table, go to the ladies room and remove her panties.   A Dominant might simply have her deliver them to him, or he might go farther and have her wear them in some way on an exposed portion of her body or place them on the dinner table in view of the waiter.   I was once instructed to wear a chain G-string, along with clit clamp, and to connect it all at the small of my back with a small padlock.   The Dominant ordered me to hand him the key at the moment he arrived at the restaurant.   The bondage was effective, as was the fact that he grabbed the lock and tugged at several points during dinner, creating very intense stresses on my body.

Now a word about Degradation.   The water gets very muddy at this point.   There is a fine line between humiliation and degradation..

I define Degradation as any humiliation that attacks the self esteem of the submissive.   What one submissive considers only mildly humiliating may be very intensely degrading to another.   Communication and negotiation become extremely important when playing with this form of psychological control.   Common forms of degradation include puppy play, pony play, human furniture and scenes that include a verbal attack on the submissive’s appearance, intelligence or integrity.

There is some debate about whether becoming human furniture exceeds the boundaries of degradation.   Since humiliation is about playing with the human dignity, to take away the humanity of a subject may make it impossible to further humiliate or degrade that subject.   Animal play allows the submissive to retain part of her ability to communicate, therefore allowing for the possibility of feelings of humiliation.

In any form of psychological play, the most important thing to be aware of is Land Mines.   A Dominant can easily trigger a bad reaction through no fault of his own by recreating a situation that brings back a memory of a truly terrible experience.   At this point, the submissive is suddenly reduced to a sobbing, incoherent puddle in the floor and the Dominant has no idea why.   Don’t try to find out!   Not now!   The important thing is to bring her back from where you sent her.   Hold her, comfort her, rock her, make her feel safe and tell her that everything is okay and that you are sorry.   Don’t try to get her to answer questions until she is completely out of the tailspin.   Other submissives will disassociate.   Suddenly they just aren’t with you anymore.   They recede far into their memories and become non-communicative.   Treat this the same way.   Hold them and comfort them until they come back to you.   As long as they are in no physical distress, you should give them some time to recover before panicking yourself.   Take some time before you force her to talk about it... but do talk about it.   It’s important to understand what happened so you don’t hit the same trigger again.

Just remember that in humiliation play, like any other form of edgeplay, accidents can happen.   Both of you have to be willing to accept that and move forward without placing blame.