Everything I Know About Dominance, I Learned From My Dog

 By Kemanorel

Ok, ok...before anyone thinks I am equating submissives with dogs, let me explain. I have never had my own true submissive, but I have had plenty of dogs. By participating in various cyber forums and hearing the lives of people I respect in the D/s community, I realized there just might be some parallels . This became even clearer to me one day when walking my dog, Jackson, off-lead and putting him through some of his "paces." I hope this becomes clearer as this essay develops.

Part I: Know what you want.

I am a dog lover and have always been one. Long before Jackson came into my life, I was looking around at various breeds of dogs and making mental notes of the appropriateness of each for my own needs and personality. When I was in college, I was first introduced to the Weimaraner and fell in love immediately. As I did more research on the breed, I became more and more determined to have one in my life someday. <Note: I do not say OWN one. I feel that my role is caretaker and provider to Jackson in return for the companionship and protection he affords me.> I examined my needs, what I could offer such a dog, what would be required of me in the way of care and training, and what I expected in return from the animal. By the time the opportunity presented itself for me to have such a dog, I was (mostly) prepared.

I believe that, as a Dominant, I need to be just as thorough in knowing what I am looking for in a submissive as well as what I can provide . Do I want someone who will become completely dependent on me to the extent they cannot provide for themselves should something happen to me? Do I want someone who can be an emotional and intellectual equal? Do I want a sexual playmate, or a 24/7 servant? Can I bear 100% of the financial responsibilities, or will I need help from my submissive? All of these questions, and more, need to be considered carefully. From answering these questions, a distinct picture will begin to emerge and (hopefully), the basis for making a solid decision as to whether or not a good match will occur between myself and any submissives I may take into consideration.

In my situation, there is an added consideration...the man I plan to marry. He is also Dominant and I would want to be sure that any sub I would consider either is interested in being shared by male and female Dominants or is at least very clear on the matter of their place in my life. No one comes before my primary love.

Part II: Knowing where to look.

The one thing I knew was that I wanted a quality pet/companion. The best place to look for this is through breeders. I was fortunate in that I had a friend who had a bitch which she was willing to breed especially for me. I did not need a show quality dog, just one which would have a good temperament and intelligence. This arrangement allowed me to get the animal I'd envisioned at a price which was affordable to me.

In the D/s world, there are many options open to us when seeking a submissive. There is cyberspace where all we have to go on are words. There are support groups where we can meet in safe environments and get to know each other without pressure. There are formal training academies and independent trainers where the quality and style of training can be determined beforehand. And there are numerous informal settings such as clubs and dungeons where people can interact in a more physical setting. I am not even going to suggest that any of these is better than any other source. It goes back to knowing what you are looking for and where the best place to find that may be as well as knowing just what is available to you in any given situation.

Part III: Let the training begin.

When I first brought Jackson home at five weeks old, I kept reminding myself of one thing--this five pound cutie would grow up to be a 70+ pound dog. One thing I knew was that I did not want him jumping on people or trying to get into laps. The only way to prevent this was to establish early on that he would not be picked up...that I would go down to the floor to play with him. This was easy enough for me, but have you ever tried to keep others from going, "Oh, look at the cute little puppy..."? <G> I had to have a firm grasp of what I wanted from this "cute little puppy" in 12 months and discipline myself and others who came into contact with him. There were other things I knew would have to be done as well such as obedience classes for both of us in order to develop a working relationship in which we understood each other without question. I believe the obedience classes were the best thing I have done for Jackson and I. They provided a consistent foundation from which I could work with him. I was able to call upon the expertise of others to improve my relationship with my pet.

When I take on a submissive, I want to be able to have an equally clear picture of what I want. I want to be able to see one year, five years, ten years and more down the road. I want to be able to envision my sub as a more complete person because of my love, guidance, and Dominance. I want to be able to have the same pride I now experience when I take Jackson someplace and am complimented on his behavior. Pride in the knowledge that something is done well because of my influence. Pride in the knowledge that I have taken something good and made it better. One thing which I would definitely consider would be going to a trainer. Someone with experience who could work with me and my sub to provide a foundation from which we could develop our working relationship and be better at our respective roles.

Part IV: Recognize mistakes and learn from them.

Jackson is not a perfect dog and I am not a perfect Mistress to him. He can be a coward and extremely shy around strangers. He does not do well in crowds and would rather hide behind my legs than have hands reaching for him from all sides. But woe to the person who might intend me harm...somehow, he knows the difference and responds accordingly. The key for me is to recognize my responsibility in his faults and either accept them or work to correct them. I know that his shyness and separation anxiety is due to the fact that I removed him from his mother at too young an age. This is something I cannot remedy so I accept it and make accommodations for it. Other behaviors occur because of my own laxness in being consistent with some of his training. When I recognize the problem, I have to evaluate the seriousness and decide how I wish to correct it or if I even wish to correct it at all. For example: When I go to the mailbox or out to the dumpster, I usually put Jack into a "down/stay" position to prevent him from following me into a very busy street. He remains in this position usually until he sees me returning to our yard, then he jumps up and runs around. This behavior does not put him into any serious jeopardy because he does not run towards me and the street, so I tend to let it slide. However, when he begins to test the boundaries of the ditch which separates the yard from the street, I become much more firm with him and serious about teaching him where he absolutely may not go.

I can see similar situations arising with a submissive. I know I am a relatively laid-back and easy-going sort of person. There will be times when my expectations and discipline are not quite as stringent as at other times. There will be times when my sub will test me and times when training will be forgotten. I have to be able to look at my own responsibility in allowing these situations to occur and then determine what I am going to do about it. If I choose to do nothing and the behavior increases or becomes truly detrimental to the sub, I have to be willing to accept my faults, learn from them, and work to correct them in order to be the good Dominant any sub of mine would truly deserve. I think one thing Dominants can easily forget is that we are responsible for our own actions as well as those of the submissives who have entrusted their well-being into our hands.

Part V: Letting go.

I see this in two parts. The first is letting go and trusting that the one you have released will return to you. The second is knowing when to release permanently.

The first time I took Jackson on an off-lead walk, I was very nervous. Neither of us were familiar with the park and we were with new people and dogs. I had to dig deep inside myself and trust that the training he and I had worked so hard on would remain solid. I knew he and I had spent hours working on the command "come"...would he remember when there were so many distractions? I removed the leash and held my breath. He ran forward a few steps, returned to me, and then ran off with his new "brother" to play and explore. I would call him back every five minutes or so to reassure both of us that it was safe, but I gradually relaxed and used the command only when I felt he might be in jeopardy or when more direct control might be necessary because of encounters with strangers. I now realize that this form of letting go is necessary to fully appreciate the complete creature which is being released.

Until recently, I had another dog as well...a miniature poodle named Pepper. When I found myself once again living alone, I also began to realize that I could not maintain responsibility for two pets. I could not give both of them the time or maintenance they needed. A decision had to be made. Pepper began acting in very uncharacteristic ways and I knew he was most unhappy with the new situation. I had to make a decision based on both his and my best interests. I placed an ad in the local paper and waited. Lots of people called, but one woman really stood out. She was a 40ish divorcee who worked at home and had a large piece of fenced property. She did not want the hassles of a puppy and was looking for an older companion to share her home with. When she and Pepper met, it was love at first sight. He got into her car and never looked back. For the next few days, I still questioned my decision. Finally, the woman called me to tell me how wonderfully they were getting along. Pepper went everywhere with her and slept at her feet in bed at night. He was very happy and did not display any of the problematic behaviors which had begun occurring when we'd moved. My mind was at peace...I knew I'd done the right thing in letting go of this precious pet. I knew that, by doing what was best for him, I'd demonstrated complete love for him.

I think we can all find parallels between Dominance and various aspects of our lives. In my mind, It really boils down to knowing who we are, what we are, and what we want, then working to combine these things into a life which meets our needs and makes us happy.