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A submissives journey - Knowing Ourselves, Finding Our One

Knowing Ourselves,

 Finding Our One

 

Sooner or later, you will want to find someone that shares your interest in a D/s lifestyle in a romantic way. This can take a variety of forms. You may:

Choose to find someone for online, for an online only relationship. This is generally considered a “safe” introduction to the D/s lifestyle. My only caution is that while it may prove physically safe, the emotional dangers of becoming attached to a “player” are just as real. Be careful.


Choose to find someone online with the idea of going RL. This is a real crapshoot. Be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs. Despite the fact that you have found a group of people that share your interest in the lifestyle, your chances of finding your One are no better or worse than in RL. Imagine walking into a bar, and thinking that you have to choose amongst the regulars there. It’s much the same online. If by chance you do meet someone that you wish to meet in RL, do so safely. Read the section on “Meeting Safely in RL”.

Choose to attend some local munches and gatherings in order to meet others in your area that are RL. If you choose to do so, I recommend that you go with a friend for safety’s sake. You’ll also feel more comfortable. Find some local munches in your area under the “Links To Online Educational Sources” section.
No matter the course you choose, always keep safety foremost in your mind. Now that you’ve decided to take this step, there are several things you need to do in order to prepare yourself. The following sections focus on your preparation and search for your One. There’s some work involved, but I strongly recommend that you not cut corners. If it isn’t worth a little effort on your part in order to do it right, maybe it’s just not worth it at all.

Our search for our One always begins within ourselves. We have to know who we are, what we enjoy, and what our needs and desires are. It’s the only way to know what truly makes us happy, and then to recognize those qualities when they manifest themselves in that special someone.

This takes a little time, and personal introspection. And it can’t be rushed. So though the temptation may be great, don’t leap ahead and skip any steps. It would be the equivalent of preparing for a test on a book, after having only read the final chapter. There’s just too much that happens between the introduction, and conclusion.

Then, having found our One, this preparation will enable us to effectively communicate our needs. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. You have to be prepared to tell them what you like and need, both in a relationship and a partner.

We’re going to cover two major topics in this section:

The BDSM Checklist and A List Of Expectations

The first step in knowing ourselves shall be in knowing which BDSM activities we enjoy, or think we may enjoy. You may not have enough experience to know for sure, but you’ll know whether the activity is something you’d be interested in trying or if it is a hard limit.

Preparing this list gives you a pretty good idea of what to look for in a partner as far as activities and interests go. You should insist upon a completed list from anyone you might be interested in, and then review them together to see how compatible you are. If the lists are pretty similar, negotiate the areas where they differ. If the lists are substantially different, you might want to consider a partner that would be more compatible with your activity interests.


BDSM CHECKLIST

How To Use The Checklist:

Enter a “yes” for each activity that you have experienced before, and a “no” for those you have not. Then, rate each activity, including those you have not experienced before, according to your level of interest. Use a scale of zero (0) to five (5), a zero (0) indicating you have no interest in that activity and a five (5) indicating that you either LOVE it or at least the thought of it. Enter a “NO” for any activity that you will not consider, under any circumstances. A “NO” shall be considered a hard limit.


LIST OF EXPECTATIONS

A "List of Expectations" is list of what you expect from a relationship and a partner. What you need to be happy and healthy. As with every other aspect of this highly personalized lifestyle we call Dominate submissive (D/s), your list will be unique to you.

To prepare a list of expectations takes some time. Don’t feel as though you’ll complete this in a day or week, or even a month. You may be finding things to add to your list many months down the road. And it’s important to review it periodically, to add those things that you’ve newly discovered about yourself.

The first step in preparing a list of expectations is in understanding the difference between a "need" and a "want" or desire. A need is something you can not do without. A want or desire is something that you may enjoy a lot, but could live without if you had to. In order to illustrate, let’s use the analogy of buying a car, something most of us have done.

When you buy a car, you have a list of certain things that car must have. An engine, tires, a windshield. Those things are needs. They’re non-negotiable. Without them, you will not buy that car. Now that may seem pretty cut and dry on the surface. But take a moment and think of the next level of options.

Is air conditioning a need? If you live in Texas or Florida or Arizona it is. But for those in North Dakota or Maine, it may be a want. Something that can be negotiated, something they can do without. How about bucket seats? If you have a bad back they’re a necessity, a need. You see, needs are very personal. What is a need for you may not be a need for me and vice versa.

The exercise here, then, is to find and list your needs and wants in two areas. In a person that would be your partner, and in a relationship. Use the chart you develop as a kind of checklist as you get to know a potential partner. I don’t suggest sharing this list with a partner while you are learning about one another, as some have a tendency to "become" or project what you are looking for. That may not show you their true nature.

Use the list to ask questions that reveal whether or not your potential partner meets your needs. And above all else, be true to them. A need that is left unmet by a partner or in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, and sure failure. Even one need that remains unfulfilled will doom a relationship, because a need is a necessity. Sure, you may be able to ignore it for a while. But in the end, you can’t do without it.

The divorce rate in America tops 50 % precisely because people ignore needs in favor of a pretty face or robust bank account. If more people took the time to inventory their needs, and stay true to them, there would be a lot more smiles going around.

A Sample List of Expectations Form

Set your list of expectations up as a "t-chart". Down one side list your needs in a partner. Down the other side, your wants. Those needs are your non-negotiable things you seek in a partner. The wants are things you may really like, but can do without.

Non-Negotiable Needs In A Partner ---- Negotiable Wants In A Partner

Prepare a second "t-chart" in exactly the same manner. Down one side will be your non-negotiable needs in a relationship. The other side will be your negotiable wants.

Non-Negotiable Needs In A Relationship ---- Negotiable Wants In A Relationship

Remember to use your list of expectations in two ways. First, as a checklist to determine who meets your needs as a partner and in a relationship. And then as a framework for communication, for expressing those needs.


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