A submissives journey

Asj's Community Message Board

a thread on the subject of: Polyamory

from: sweetdee (Original Message)

Sent: 7/30/2001 8:52 AM

Polyamory, ever hear of this word? Probably not, because it's not in the dictionary.

Polyamory: many loves. This I think is the best definition I can come up with and no I'm not the first one to come up with this term for a way of life. Now just stop a minute and think about it!

Monogamy wow so many shouting it's the only way to live!! But is it? How many monogamous partners have you seen sneaking out for a little fun on the side, while hiding it from their partners because they know this behavior wouldn't be accepted. Now I am not condoning cheating on your spouse, that path can and does lead to pain, betrayal, maybe even divorce? But with honest, open communication between your and your partner, making it known from the start that being in a monogamous relationship is not going to be enough. Each knowing and together seeking another or even several to bring into your loving circle. Both of you opening your life and hearts to another to fulfill a need one or both of you need to be happy. There are two ways to do this poly thing, one or both of you seeking other lovers for just play or wanting another for a loving permanent relationship. I am talking about a poly relationship with two or more subs in the house. The permanent, bonding, family type of polyamory relationship.

Wow just think of the possibilities in such an arrangement. Let me hit on just a few of them here. One, how about the financial boost another income could make on your life? Even if you or your new partner doesn't care to go out of the home to work, just think about coming home from a hard days work to a hot meal and a clean house. Or if you both work, more money to spend because there's more money to get those bills paid. Less house work because there's another pair of willing hands to help. Then of course the moral support, having another to talk to who understands your feelings because she probably has them too. Ever hear of 'sisters in submission'? This takes on a deeper meaning when you have a true 'sister' by your side.

In the vanilla world our lifestyle is a big taboo. Mainly because those on the outside will never take the time to learn about it. I don't know about you , but I would find it easier to face the disapproval and out right scorn from vanilla's if I have another for moral support and understanding by my side. Lets face, it your Master can't be there all the time to stand with you.

Ok now, all this may sound more of a possibility now, but don't be fooled here, any poly situation takes more understanding, acceptance, and a lot of hard work to make a go of it. It's not easy be any means. And it's not going to be what most want in their D/s life. But it's something to think about, and well you just never know until you try it.

sweetdee

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 11 of 25 in Discussion

From: kalistar

Sent: 1/19/2002 5:13 PM

You rock lapis!! I did reply to this but I guess it didn't go through the first time... Yes I have wondered the same thing myself. In the true sense of Polyamory there is and should be more than one love for both couples if that is the way they both want it. Communication is key in that relationship and all parties involved continue that open communication so that the jealousy and other issues can be easily resolved. There are many clubs that exsist this way. Polyamorous people who live together in a community or house with males and females having multiple lovers.

I think what you bumped into here, is the fact that the polyamory that exsists in the BDSM lifestyle is onesided. I don't know of a Master who would condone His slave to taking another Master or male or female lover for her own. Or at least that is from personal experience. I have been told that being bi is good because then my Master would be able to entertain His idea of a threesome and His idea of a polyamourous lifestyle. Meaning I share my girlfriends with Him or He takes a sSo to answer the question lapis... What about having more than one husband??? Why not it is not like it has not been done. However I would be currious to know if it has been done in the Lifestyle.... and where is that Master?? cus I'm there

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 12 of 25 in Discussion

From: î¥öñê

Sent: 1/19/2002 10:08 PM

very very interesting.. i need to re-read this.. before i give my opinion...

thanx sweetdee

ivone

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 13 of 25 in Discussion

From: kalistar

Sent: 1/20/2002 12:44 AM

Damn don't you hate it when you read your post and realize you messed it up!! This is what it was suposed to say but somehow all of it didn't get in there....

...Or at least that is from personal experience. I have been told that being bi is good because then my Master would be able to entertain His idea of a threesome and His idea of a polyamourous lifestyle. Meaning I share my girlfriends with Him or He takes a sub and He is polyamorous....

well feel better now that I fixed it...

kali

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 14 of 25 in Discussion

From: Lapis

Sent: 1/22/2002 7:16 PM

well..i jsut bumped into an interesting post in another community I am very active in...and this is from T...its from talking to her friend who is involved in a Polyamory relationship..and its her translation of that conversation and her observations of this relationship...its from a community that all lifestyles are exceptable and we intereact on many topics. Was known as Familiar Voices soon to be ECHOS...we are moving it.

ok here goes....

"I talked to my friend last night. The one that's been involved for over 8 years in a polyamorous relationship. He had some really interesting things to say. I will try to relay them to the best of my ability. Remember however that neither of us are experts. He's strictly speaking from his experiences and I'm speaking from speaking to him, meeting some of their friends who are also into polyamory and from my own personal ideas.

Most polyamory relationships that work involve an even number of people. 4 people instead of 3, 6 instead of 5 etc etc. The reason for this when you look at it is obvious. There's no one left out in the cold. We all have periods of time where we don't want to see someone. We all have reasons we love those we love. We all run to certain people for certain problems. When you have a polyamory relationship with an odd number of people... and you run to one person (thinking of a 3 person relationship since this is the popular choice for polyamorous relationships) there is another person left out in the cold. The old term "third wheel" can be felt even in a polyamorous relationship. When you have 4 people instead... even if you don't feel like speaking to one of the people, and you form a little mini alliance during the argument, most likely the other person will have another person to bond with and will be less likely to feel out in the cold.

The second point was that there are two kinds of polyamorous relationships. You have the alpha-polyamory and the omni-polyamory.

In the alpha polyamorous relationship it's set up basically like a heram in that there is a "top" dog who the other people in the relationship play up to. This top dog usually will get jealous if the other people involved... get involved with each other or other people. Basically the top dog wants all the love for themselves. Polyamorous only when it comes to *their* love and sex life. The others are expected to be monogamous. These kinds of polyamorous relationships typically are not healthy and dissolve into a jealous feeding frenzy. Of course when one is raised believing in this kind of relationship; as in some religions, it works much better since it is expected.

The second kind of polyamory is the omni-polyamory. This is where all people involved are literally involved. My friends relationship started out with him and his best friend since forever. They both got married and since they were best friends the families hung out together. The wives became friends. Basically they became the Flintstones and the Rubbles. Fast forward a year and they decided to experiment with swapping. A contract was written up and adhered to strictly. Things just progressed from there. They have all come to the conclusion they are bisexual. They have all shared sex and I can honestly say I don't doubt any of their love for each other. It's quite a remarkable family. That is a great representation of the omni-polyamorous relationship. There is no leader. Everyone shares each other; in love, sex, finances.. the whole deal. They are four, acting as one" T

T..if you are a memeber here pls dont kill me for posting that..lol.. I jsut thought it fit this discussion..lapis

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 15 of 25 in Discussion

From: ﻰﻬlãdÿﻫkﻫƒøxﻬﻰ

Sent: 1/23/2002 11:12 AM

I just wanted to make the comment that I do of know of a few R/T ......D/s couples where the sub is actually a switch ~where the sub is submissive to the Master(Dom) and also has either another Master R/T or is the Dominant(Mistress) to a male sub/slave. The Master sometimes has another submissive also. So it can and does happen out there in the real world!

Myself....I am submissive/slave to my Master...but I have switched and am currently "exploring" my Dominant side.....my Master has given His permission for me to consider a male slave for myself .....

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 16 of 25 in Discussion

From: C_J

Sent: 1/23/2002 4:44 PM

I keep hearing how a "sub" can have more than one Master... Let Me ask a simple question: Suppose Master "A" says "sub, wear a red dress for Me today because I really like the color red". But, Master "B" has previously expressed his distaste for the color red and told her "sub, don't wear the color red, I can't stand it on you...." ? Okay, you see where I'm going with this perhaps the dress is a bad example, but replace it with any of a hundred different scenarios you can think of, now, someone explain to Me just how it is you can have more than one Master? Yes, I'm certain that for a time, the subby can squirm around and please two Masters, but, sooner or later, a conflict is going to arise, then the poor sub is going to have to face a decision, just which Master is really her "true" Master, and which has just been filling the role of a "Top". No, I'm still convinced, a sub can only have one Master.. yes, her Master may share her with someone else, at "His" leisure, but sooner or later, it will come out, either there is only one true Master she is accountable to, or you'll find yourself with a subby having a nervous breakdown trying to figure out how to please two different people. For My money, nope no way, it can't work.

To respond to those that say well why can't a female have two males? Because She (She as in Domme) can have two males (males as in subs). Okay, just My thoughts, but I'd love to hear yours in response.

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 17 of 25 in Discussion

From: ﻰﻬlãdÿﻫkﻫƒøxﻬﻰ

Sent: 1/23/2002 9:23 PM

Ok ...I do actually agree on the two Masters ....I personally don't see how you can submit to two Masters without conflict. The one sub I know real life with two Masters ....I think CJ hit the nail on the head ....I think the one is actually the Master ...the other is more just a top to this sub.

I'm not quite sure what You mean by the second part of Your post CJ

To respond to those that say well why can't a female have two males? Because She (She as in Domme) can have two males (males as in subs).

Are You saying the only way to have two males is to be a Domme and have two male subs ? You don't think one can be switch and have both a Dom and a sub ? I'm curious

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 18 of 25 in Discussion

From: sweetdee

Sent: 1/24/2002 9:43 AM

HHmm, a switch can have two or more males. But!! there is only one Master she answers to. At least this is how I feel. I'm sitting here trying to think of the hows and ifs of two Masters and no matter what scenario I come up with there is always just one who is top Master. Anyone else have any ideas about this?

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 19 of 25 in Discussion

From: selene

Sent: 1/25/2002 2:47 AM

The concept of two 'Masters' simply exhausts me. One part of why I'm looking forward to sharing my life with him and another slave/submissive is sharing the work load. Sound selfish? Absolutely! It frees more of all of our time for the happier moments in life.

I do have a friend that has two Masters, though. She lives with her Dominant, but still answers to another Master in the public scene. It seems to work well for all of them, but it wouldn't be my cup of tea.

kisses,

selene

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 20 of 25 in Discussion

From: Lapis

Sent: 1/25/2002 1:04 PM

To respond to those that say well why can't a female have two males? Because She (She as in Domme) can have two males (males as in subs).

Are You saying the only way to have two males is to be a Domme and have two male subs ? You don't think one can be switch and have both a Dom and a sub ? I'm curious >

good point...I also think ..the gender is irregardless. Dom/me or sub can be male or female whichever with whichever or whoever whenever...lol...if you get my drift...

But still..woman cant have two husbands??lol...ok i will drop that part..lol..

Me personally..can't even think of being with another Dom/me EVER...much less another one at the same time. But as far as exploring my Dom/me side..well...hmmmmm....I got to think on that for a while..but I know I would never be allowed to with another sub/slave..my Domme doesnt like to share..lol..

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 21 of 25 in Discussion

From: ﻰﻬlãdÿﻫkﻫƒøxﻬﻰ

Sent: 1/25/2002 2:46 PM

When W/we were first together ....my Dom said uh uh!!! no way!!!! no how !!! would He share either ....and I said the same. But over time and as W/we got to know each other better, that changed. W/we are talking about it now.....whether it will ever happen still remains to be seen.....but it is something W/we are considering as a couple!

I would not want a second Dom.....He fulfills that role for me very well! Also...for me to explore my Domme side ...well....I'm doing some research....not sure if that will ever actually happen either. But, never say never.

Also you are correct...we could be talking about any gender.....I was merely speaking in terms of myself and what I am familiar with.

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Delete Message 22 of 25 in Discussion

From: °šhê¤wô£f

Sent: 1/25/2002 5:44 PM

i agree with CJ on the fact that, no matter the sex, if you are Dom or Domme, Master or Mistress.....a sub can only serve one. If there are 2, even if they are good friends, sooner or later there will be a conflict of interest. No matter how hard they try, a Dom/me is not going to bow out to another Dom/mes wishes every single time they conflict. Dom/mes are protective of their property, and sooner or later they will want to stake a claim on what is theirs. For most subs to serve 2 Masters/Mistress's will eventually lead to heart break and confusion beyond comprehension. Trust me on this. Of course there is always the exception, the O/ones who can and have done it, but it's a big risk to take it on. And possibly more to lose than there ever was to gain.

°šhê¤wô£f°

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 23 of 25 in Discussion

From: Lapis

Sent: 1/25/2002 6:04 PM

After rereading all of this input I would have to say if there were two Doms...for one sub or amny or whatever..if a sub had more than one Dom/me....often it probably is for play and scenes only. They couldnt possibly be 24/7...I too see too much confusion for the D&S both.

lapis

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 24 of 25 in Discussion

From: raven_silk_hearts

Sent: 1/26/2002 11:20 AM

hmm interesting subject ,, personally i dont care for a poly relationship or having 2 Master , too much conflict .Sure double Y/your pleasure double Y/your fun being with 2 is better than O/one,, but is it really ? Might be fun temporaily but in the long run ? i feel ,if i give myself completely to Master , it should be the same , unless He is not happy with me and looks elsewhere , therefore He should realease His sub . i do honestly believe communication is a leading role in this D/ds lifestyle. for a poly relationship the true desires must be agreeded upon B/both and if O/one disagrees it should be respected .

raven ~

Recommend (0 recommendations so far)

Message 25 of 25 in Discussion

From: kalistar

Sent: 1/27/2002 11:39 AM

I think that it is safe to say that in a D/s relationship a true polyamorous relationship would have trouble surviving. I agree it would be difficult to serve two masters and very confusing. However, no one has brought up the idea of a bi Master and subs that were both male and female.

But one thing I do want to say in defense of polyamory is that it means many loves. It does not mean that you occassionally sleep around on your partner. Or that you bring in another person for sex. That is called 'swinging' .To me it is a commitment and for those that are polyamorous it is something that feels natural. I can deeply love more than one person and it doesn't mean that I don't have a different deep love for someone else. Maybe it is because I am bi and my sexual needs are split, but I do not see it possible for one person to fulfill all my needs. I have both male and female lovers in my life. It does not mean that I am any less committed to either. I love them both deeply.

Asj's Message Logs Asj's Site Map Asj's HomePage

Have a question about the Asj web site or the D/s Lifestyle?