A submissives journey

an Asj online community

Should you tell the kids?

I'm a parent. Most people hear that and shrug. After all, having a kid is no big deal. People do it everyday. And that's true. People have kids everyday. But being a parent is a big deal. There's suddenly so much to know, to do, to worry about.

And it's worse if you're a parent with a kink, especially if that particular kink isn't socially acceptable. How should it be handled? What should they be told and when? Should you hide your kinky side from them forever?

I had been debating over that issue for a while now. Part of me wanted to sit down with them and offer a basic explanation. I didn't want to get into specifics, just a little aside that not all people like the same things, and some grown-ups do things together, that they agree to ahead of time, that might bother some other people. Something along those lines. But another part of me said did they need to know, would it make any difference, they are too young to understand. I mean, what we do behind closed doors is none of their business. We never play around the kids…nothing happens in our daily lives that would attract attention or freak them out.

I kind of felt that I was damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Enough of our friends know who we are, most are in the lifestyle themselves but what if one of them slipped up in front of the kids and they found out that way? What if I were ever hurt in a scene? They would probably resent me for hiding something like that from them. On the other hand, what if they felt I was forcing my choice of a lifestyle on them? What if they thought it was sick and twisted? What if they lost respect for me?


I kept putting off a decision. I just do my best to raise them to be respectful and tolerant. Granted, it was the easy way out…ignore the problem and it will go away. Actually, I did lie to them twice about it. My daughter had gone in my room and through my jewelry box. She found a pair of nipple clamps. I told her they were used to hold a sweater on when you want to wear it over your shoulders. She bought it, she was 10 at the time. Another time my son discovered the crop under the seat of the car. He asked if i had gone riding. I said I did. (well, that wasn't exactly a lie, but…). After that incident, I packed up my toy bag and left it with a friend. I packed the clothes up in a duffle bag and left it behind a chair in my room. I put my books in the same bag, right on top, under a towel, so there was easy access when I wanted to read. I figured I was safe.

I was so very wrong. My parents were watching the kids after school while I was at work. My room is off limits, but the kids decided to go in and play with the hamster. Somehow, the furry little runt got loose. The kids freaked and got Grams and Gramps to help them look so they wouldn't get in trouble. Several hours later, my mother noticed a small hole in the duffle bag. She asked my dad to check the bag. The kids heard the hamster might have been found, and they ran in the room. My dad shook the bag into a plastic storage box. Instead of a hamster, they found my BDSM books, some sketches, a few pictures of my ex and I , and some leather and lace.

Suddenly the decision was out of my hands. I walked in the door to find my dad irate, my mother hysterical and the kids upset. Although my parents didn't take it well, within a week they came to accept it and now they even joke about it. The kids were unusually quiet about it. I didn't go through the speech I had bandied about for years. I just asked if they had any questions for me. After a while, my daughter wanted to know if this was the real reason for the divorce. I told her it wasn't. She asked if her dad was into it too. I just nodded. My son wanted to know if I got hurt. I assured him it didn't hurt, and he went on his way.

A few days later, my daughter came to me again. This time she talked. She told me everything she knew or thought about BDSM. She wanted to know whether she was right or not. I was amazed by how much she knew at 12. She assured me she wasn't stupid, she heard things at school. She said the hardest thing she had to deal with was that I had sex. It didn't matter what kind it was, just Mums aren't supposed to have sex. I told her if I hadn't, they wouldn't be here. So it went pretty well.

With a few months perspective, I realize now that I should have handled it by telling them earlier in their lives. Not details, just that some people do stuff like that. There's been no change in the way they act toward me, no change in how well they listen to me (or don't, as the case may be). They seem to be at ease with my sexuality.

And now I wonder if sheltering children is a good idea or not. They have no preconceptions, no built-in prejudices. Kids are remarkably well-adjusted. They can deal with issues that we don't think they even understand. If this had been presented to them early on, just by being a bit more open about it, it would have seemed something normal and loving to them. Don't misunderstand me, I still would not scene in front of them, or do things that might lead to think I was getting hurt in the house while they're home, but there are mild facets that we hid from them.

Maybe pretending that things like BDSM don't exist is what leads kids to such confusion when they realize they like it. If they don't know about it, it must be bad. I know I went through that stage, and then spent years denying I needed to do this. And if that hamster with the leather fetish (yes, she nibbled up a leather skirt) hadn't decided to check out that bag, I might have repeated my upbringing with them. I don't want them to go through a guilt trip when get sexually aroused over a fetish. I don't want them to feel worthless because they're outside the mainstream. I want them to be comfortable with their sexuality, whatever it may turn out to be. And I think in the long run, this may have helped toward that goal.

Copyright © 2011 2016. A submissives journey

Privacy Policy | Terms of Use