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The word control has so
very many different connotations - a teacher
controls a room full of students; a rider
controls a horse; we control the car when we
drive; we try to control our tempers; an
accountant controls the finances of a company,
all the same word, all the same basic meaning.
So, then, what does the word control really
mean?
We can look in the
dictionary and come up with a definition:
*To
exercise an authoritative or dominating
influence over something or someone;
*To adjust
something or someone to a requirement;
*To hold in restraint;
*One that controls; a controlling
agent, or a device, or an organization.
*A restraining device,
*A measure,
*A limit placed on something or someone;
So then, the word control really does mean
- in very simple terms - to exert an influence
over something or someone, to bend him/her or it
to your will
What other words can be used to show the
meaning of control?
To dominate, to guide, to direct, to
discipline, to regulate, to rule; all of those
words would fit, to accurately describe the word
“control”.
Okay so now that we have established what
the word control actually does mean, how does
that fit into the BDSM
way of life? What does that really mean in
the context of the life of a D/s Relationship?
To start with we have to know about Dominance
and submission, and what those terms really do
signify.
What is Dominance?
Dominance is a governing or exercising of one's
will, influence, or control over another person,
in a safe, sane consensual and mutually
pleasurable exchange of power. Sometimes it is
combined with elements of sadism.
What is submission?
Submission is a yielding or surrendering of
one's control to the will or authority of
another, again in a safe, sane and consensual
and mutually pleasurable exchange of power.
Sometimes it is combined with elements of
masochism. I
In terms of the
BDSM
lifestyle, then, control means just that, to
exert an influence over another person, so that
he/she behaves in the manner expected of
him/her, to teach the behavior.
Usually, the sub or slave desires that
control in her life, she needs to be directed,
to have structure and rules to obey, to have the
knowledge that if she disobeys, she will suffer
the consequences. She needs to learn the
behavior required of her, and to do that she
must be controlled. Her Dom or
Master exerts His will - His
authority - over her, and she learns to obey.
She is controlled, and she is controlled
willingly, after all she has given her control
to Him.
The submissive or slave needs the discipline in
her life in order to obey. She needs clear and
concise directions, she needs consistency, she
needs goals which are not unattainable, and she
craves and needs the reward of knowing she is
pleasing her Master
when she behaves correctly. All of that can only
come with control. It is a challenge to be
controlled to that degree and it is not for
everybody. If it was easy, what would be the
point? It would appear though, that most subs
like to be challenged and certainly, the
Master
likes to push boundaries or challenge the sub.
The Master
has to provide the environment to encourage the
sub to want to behave. In turn, the sub has to
allow herself to let go of all her preconceived
ideas. She must give herself to her
Master, and in that gift comes
her opening of herself to His will, to His
bidding, and to His control. Even in a
casual play situation, there is a giving up of
control - the submissive must give up her control to
the Dom, and she must trust Him with it, so that
He can tie her, or flog her, or do whatever He
chooses, within the agreed limits of their play.
In a deeper more long term D/s
relationship, the control can, and usually does,
stretch to include modes of dress and appearance
( such as hair and makeup) and also behavior
and attitude, and availability - and this is all
control, all a giving of the gift from the sub
to the Master. This
can lead to a much deeper awareness for the sub,
about what and who she is, and what she craves
to make her life complete. Often a sub
knows she needs something, knows that she craves
“something in her life” but it can take time to
identify exactly what it is - The control, and
the domination - that will complete her, and
make her feel whole, deep down inside.
What does control
mean for me?
This is going to be, by far, the hardest part of
my task - to try and put into words what control
means to me, my perception of it, and my
thoughts and feelings about what it means in my
life, and in my submission. To start
with, I believe that the fundamental basis for
any D/s relationship has to be, without
question, the control, because without it the
power exchange would not exist.
I am struggling with words to find an
explanation of what it makes me feel like when I
am with Master. I
know that I need to sit at His feet, to know
that it is my place. It just feels right when I
am there. It feels right when He
physically controls me, by say, grabbing my hair
and holding me still; it feels right when He has
control of my body by me having to ask
permission to do things. It feels right when He
has control of my mind, when He controls my
everyday life. I don’t have to think -
I just am, I just do, I just want to serve, to
please Him - that is what I exist for,
that is the reason I am here. Even
when I am not physically in His presence, I
crave to be with Him, to be near Him, to feel
His hands on me, to feel Him close by, to know
that He has the control over what is happening.
I can feel Him near even when I am not with Him.
Do I fear the control and the domination?
No, what I fear is how deep the need seems to be
in me, how much of an influence I want the
control to have in my life. I strive
to understand where the need for control comes
in, having had a domineering, controlling
father, and having rebelled against that in my
childhood and adolescence, why do I now, as a
grown woman, crave the very thing I fought so
hard against back then? I know that it was a
different situation, I had no choice, but why do
I choose it now? In reality, I am a fairly
outgoing, and outspoken person, why do I choose
to be submissive? Why does being with
a Master
who has the control make me feel whole, complete
and true to myself? I don’t understand it, I
just know that I have a burning need for that
control. I have tried so
hard to think about this and analyze exactly
what it is I seek, and what I crave in my life
to make me feel complete.
My perception of control in a D/s
relationship is that I, as a sub, give the
control of myself to my
Master. I must trust Him to
know what is right for me, and how best to train
me to serve Him properly, in the manner He
wishes.I am giving control of my
mind, body and soul to Him, my whole self, not
just a part of me. He takes my gift, and
cherishes it, and gives me the things that fill
my needs, at the same time filling His own. Once
I have given control to my
Master, He can teach me to serve
Him, to meet His needs in the best way I can.
Without the control, that would be impossible.
I crave the domination and control, it
isn’t a want, like eating pizza or chocolate, it
is a need, that burns deep within my soul. I am
fast coming to the realization that I cannot
have a happy and fulfilled life without being
able to fill that need, the need to be dominated
and controlled.
I control the things in my everyday life,
I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean
the house, I look after my son and support him -
I am responsible for all of that.When
I am with my Master,
I don’t have to do that stuff for me. If He
asked me to clean the house, or do the grocery
shopping, I would be doing that for Him, because
He needs it. I don’t have to think about it, I
just do it because He wishes it, because I need
to please Him, because He has the control over
me. I don’t want to make the decisions, I don’t
want any control, I want someone else to do
that. I want it even when I am not with Him.
The control is what I surrender, what I
give to Him. I want and need to be guided down
the path my Master
chooses for me. As a sub, I need a
Master
that understands this, and works to make it real
for me. I want my
Master
to understand, that just like a child, I need
Him to structure my days, my time with Him, and
my time away from Him, so that I am constantly
being reminded of Him, and of who and what I am.
Whether I am with Him physically or not,
following His instructions about things gives me
security, and that security reminds me of my
submission to Him. Even if it is something as
simple as eating what I am told to eat for lunch
or dinner. Or something as time consuming as
kneeling and concentrating on what His presence
in my life brings me. It may be something like
being denied orgasm, when He knows how much I
need it, but for me to be denied, as frustrating
as it is, that gives me the control, I need and
crave. I can feel His control over me in a
situation like that. Doing things He has set for
me remind me of who and what I am. That is
important, that is the control He has over me.
Talking to Him on the phone, and being allowed
to play with myself - then having to ask
permission to orgasm, that is control.
I know that I need it, the control and the
domination, I know deep in my heart that I have
to have it, somehow in my life. It is a burning
need that I cannot quell, cannot get rid of, it
is in my heart, it is in my soul. I
need to have some structure, some rules, some
guidelines, to be told to do this or that, and
to know that if I don‘t then there will be
consequences I need to have to ask to
use the toilet, to ask for a drink, to ask to
put on my socks, take off my jumper etc….. and I
need to know that asking may often not get a
“yes” response, and that if it’s a “no“, then I
must accept that and wait, until
Master decides that I may do
it. I know that with
Master, I will learn what it
really means to have control and domination in
my life, I understand that at the moment I know
nothing - or at least very little, and I so want
and need to learn this, it burns in me. I
do understand something about how things work
being with Him. I know that it is not a
democratic situation as in other types of
relationships. It is a dictatorship with
Master - and it’s quite simple
really - He is the boss. No question, no
hesitation, and I must submit to that
dictatorship, it is the basis for our
relationship.
Although I feel that submission is not
only about sex, nothing touches my sexuality as
intensely as my submission to my
Master. When combined with the
mental, emotional, and physical aspects of
submission, the emotional and sexual intensity
is beyond my capabilities to explain. I
understand that even when it is not a sexual
encounter it touches me deeply, in the most
powerful of ways. Just a word from Him can leave
me soaking wet and aching, .. my need of His
control is so great.
It isn’t just about physical control
either - it is much more mind control, much
deeper than someone physically controlling
another person, which is possible of course, and
does happen. (grabbing of hair for example is
physical control)
I need the control to push my boundaries,
I couldn’t do that by myself. When
Master spanked me the last
time, that session was so hard, I felt as if I
had failed because He pushed me to say my safe
word, but I recognize that He was controlling
it, controlling me, and I needed that.
I recently had the pleasure of meeting two
Gorean slaves and their
Masters, and that has opened my
eyes so much to a level of control that I had
only heard about. To see it, in front of me, in
the flesh, made me think very deeply about
things and now, writing this, even more so.
Watching the slaves, their confidence and
their complete trust and faith in their
Masters, gave me such an
insight into what control really means. I
could really see that both slaves had no
hesitation in doing whatever was asked of them,
no matter what it was, no matter how
confronting, or embarrassing, or humiliating -
no matter how hard - it was done without
question.
I could see the control that the
Masters had over the slaves, I
could see that both slaves were happy and
contented and were thriving on the dynamics of
the power exchange. The rituals and
the positions that I was shown, they are all a
measure of the control that the
Master showed over His slave,
and it was plain to see that the power exchange
worked well, that the control He had over her,
was total and absolute, and that she adored Him
for it.
Even when one slave was punished for not
cleaning the fireplace properly, she never
hesitated when told to assume the position, and
she never whimpered or made a sound as she was
punished. The Master
was in absolute control and His word was law,
even though she knew it would hurt, and she
would have felt humiliated and embarrassed in
front of the rest of us, the control He had over
her was such that she did not hesitate for one
second.
There are a lot of people who would see
submission as being used, I don’t see it that
way. To me, I want the feeling of being obedient
and controlled, forgetting about my own
pleasures to give pleasure to my
Master. That doesn't have to be
a humiliating, demeaning, or degrading
experience - it can be liberating - it can give
me freedom to be myself in a truly safe
environment. In doing that, my own
pleasure also comes, pleasing Him, pleases me.
If I have learned my lessons and I behave well,
then that pleases Him.
So, what do I hope for, what are my
aspirations, what do I strive to achieve?
I am certain of what I want and need in my
life, and that is I need to have a
Master
who is in control, who gives me structure,
rules, and guidance. I need to know that I can
sit at His feet and feel safe and secure, that I
can give Him my submission, totally, wholly,
without reservation and can trust Him to know
what is right for me. I know that in
order to achieve this, I have to surrender my
control to my Master.
Without that, there can be no achievement, no
satisfaction, no fulfillment. I still
have so much to learn but, this, I know, is what
I need and crave in my life. I will learn my
lessons, and will learn to please Him, to make
Him proud of me and I will revel in my
submission. I will take pride in
being controlled by Him and will trust Him to
know what is right for me in my life, to make
the decisions, to teach me how to be a good and
honorable sub, I know that I
feel lost without it, I have no direction, my
mind wanders, I cannot focus on things, and I
can’t see clearly.
I now know that the control is what makes
the dynamics of a D/s relationship work, it is
the basic element in the relationship from which
everything else stems. It needs to be respected
and cherished. It needs to be given and taught
with confidence by the
Master, and in turn, needs to
be learned and accepted, without question, by
the sub. Once the trust and control is
given, the rest flows naturally, the sub can
learn, and the Master
can teach.
I also know, that
submission is not a sign of weakness, it takes
great strength to be a sub, to give up the
control of your life, to put that in someone
else’s hands, and it can be scary knowing you
are doing that.
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