your Dominant's Owners Manual
A submissives journey
A submissives journey
When entering into a Dominant submissive (D/s) relationship, I find that many submissive 's are not prepared for how to maximize the benefit of having a Master/Mistress. Sure, they enjoy feeling submissive, pleasing their Master/Mistress and being in a loving and caring relationship. And they also enjoy the fact that Master/Mistress makes them feel safe, secure, and tends to their needs for personal and lifestyle growth.
But submissives are not mannequins, waiting to be placed in the next position by some store window attendant they call Master/Mistress. They are living, breathing human beings that deserve to feel as though they have some degree of influence upon their relationships and in their own lives.
Finding a compatible Dominant can be similar to buying a new car. A submissive might have specific needs for a compact, sports car, full size or even an SUV. Each will have different needs and wants that might include extras such as air conditioning, bucket seats, power windows and doors, and so on. A submissive will seek out the model that best suits his/her needs, just as he/she will seek out the Dominant that best meets those needs in a relationship and as a person.
Having found that Dominant, one might guess that the hard work is over. Yet, unlike the car that was purchased, a Dominant doesn’t come with an owner’s manual. And while he/she may expect that a good choice in a car and a Dominant will result in his/her fulfillment and happiness, that doesn’t mean that he/she will intuitively know how to fully utilize all the features that come with either the Dominant or the car. An owner’s manual can be essential to getting the most out of both.
Since this is a Dominant submissive (D/s) community and not an auto dealership, and since cars already come with owner’s manuals and Dominants don’t, I’ll focus My attention on helping submissives get the maximum performance out of their Dominants. This will be the first in an ongoing series of articles entitled “your Dominant’s Owner’s Manual".
Many things in O/our Dominant submissive (D/s) lifestyle may seem contradictory. And yet, upon further exploration they make perfect sense. I’d like to focus upon one such contradictory statement that has such deep meaning to submissives.
“Within your submission you will find freedom.”
There are so many levels in which this statement holds true. But let’s focus upon one that is relevant to the topic at hand, how to maximize your relationship with your Dominant. There are many objectives in most Dominant submissive (D/s) relationships that seem to conflict with one another, two of which I’d like to discuss today. The need and desire for the submissive to submit and obey, and the need and desire for the Dominant to guide a submissive to personal and lifestyle growth. But I would suggest that upon deeper scrutiny, these seemingly contradictory needs and objectives are in fact related and co-existent.
As part of their daily lives, submissives share with their Dominants those issues and problems that they encounter. It may be in any facet or role in their lives as submissive, husband/wife, parent, employer/employee, friend, sibling, son/daughter, etc. The purpose of sharing it is so that your Dominant understands what is going on in your life, and is best able to meet your needs as they arise. To understand what issues may affect your emotional status and even your level of submission.
The expectation may be that Master/Mistress will solve the problem for you, or make a critical decision on your behalf. And truth be known, We Dominants love to step in and be problem solvers. But wait just a moment. Does repetitively solving all of your problems enhance your personal or lifestyle growth? Does it teach you to be a capable and independent decision maker in a way that you know is consistent with what your Dominant would expect of you? Certainly not. It restricts and retards your growth as a person, reduces the level of confidence in your ability to make good decisions, and teaches you to rely upon your Dominant as a crutch, which is a far cry from relying upon Him/Her for your pleasure.
And for those of Y/you that might now be screaming… “Hey, Master/Mistress is SUPPOSED to make all the decisions” I’d like to point out that They don’t. Nor can They. A Dominant picks and chooses which decisions to make, but it’s impossible and unrealistic to say that They make ALL the decisions that arise in the course of a normal day. The doorbell rings, should you answer it? What should you do when the phone rings? Should you use the restroom? Which one, upstairs or downstairs? Is the water too hot for your shower? Chicken is on sale at the supermarket, should you buy some? Unless your Dominant is prepared to follow you around 24 hours a day, you’re going to make hundreds if not thousands of decisions on your own.
Especially when apart, the most a Dominant can hope for is to have taught a submissive how to make decisions that They would approve of. The actual number of decisions a Dominant will make for you is dependent upon Y/your unique relationship and what Y/you both find fulfilling and personally pleasing within that relationship.
I find that most submissives are good decision makers. What they lack is the self-confidence in their own decisions. And so as a Dominant, Our goal in fulfilling Our obligations to a submissive’s personal growth is to help them develop the confidence in their own decision-making. I find that in discussing your problems with Master/Mistress, as Dominants We can ask questions. Helping Your submissive find out how they truly feel about a problem, and to help them consider all sides of a possible course of action and the consequences of that action. Not to simply administering a solution.
A submissive will gain confidence in their decision-making abilities by simply knowing that Master/Mistress would not let them fail. This is a vitally important concept. A submissive needs to trust that in discussing the situation with their Dominant, and keeping Them informed along the way, they have given “oversight” responsibility to Master/Mistress. Master/Mistress need not make the decision for you. Knowing that They would never allow you to make a bad decision will bring you all the confidence you need in your own decision making.
At some point, very important or difficult decisions may become too burdensome for a submissive. A submissive may worry too much about the problem, the decision they have made, and the consequences of that decision. Self-doubt can be, and is, a vicious and self-destructive force. And it can be very unhealthy.
In fulfilling that “oversight” responsibility, a Dominant may see that a submissive has reached a point in which growth has ceased, and self-destruction has begun. That can only be seen if you as a submissive continue to share your thoughts and feelings. But just as often, a submissive may ask to have that burden lifted. This is the part of your “Dominant’s Owner’s Manual” that can help you maximize what you get out of your Dominant.
When that burden becomes too great, and it begins to creep into your mind in an unhealthy way; when you can’t help but focus upon it, when your sleep is affected, when you no longer have peace of mind, you can unburden yourself. Ask Master/Mistress to make the decision for you. In doing so, you are no longer responsible for the decision or its consequences. And while your Dominant may make the very same decision that you have made, in relinquishing your responsibility, you will find peace of mind.
Initially, a submissive may find themselves reaching that self-destructive point quickly. But each time, under the watchful eye of their Dominant, they gain a little more confidence, become a little more skilled, and can go a little bit further. And such is growth. A little at a time.
All this may seem self-explanatory. And yet many submissives don’t want to feel that they are a burden to their Dominants. They try to solve problems on their own. Many submissives purposely don’t share their problems, concerns and feelings for fear of rejection or being judged as incompetent.
But the fact is that in taking on that “oversight” responsibility, We Dominants feel needed, useful and fulfilled. While the very nature of “responsibility” may seem distasteful to you as a submissive, you must remember that it is a fundamental part of who We are as Dominants. Don’t prevent Us from being Master/Mistress. Not just for your benefit, but for Ours as well.
Here are a few helpful hints regarding problems and concerns.No problem or concern affects just you.
If it bothers you, it also affects your Dominant. Nothing is too big, or too small. If it bothers you, that’s all that counts.
Always share your problems, concerns and feelings. Don’t deny yourself the peace of mind that comes from knowing that Master/Mistress will never let you fail.
Don’t always expect solutions. Expect to grow in your decision-making abilities under the watchful eye of your Dominant.
When the problem or the consequences of your decision becomes overwhelming, you can find refuge in your Dominant. Unburden yourself of the responsibility if need be.
I hope these useful thoughts will help deepen Y/your relationships, and more effectively meet Y/your needs in a healthy Dominant submissive (D/s) relationship.
Copyright 2002
