Married Dominant seeks submissive

On practically every discussion list I'm on, the discussion inevitably comes around to the topic of married Dominants seeking submissive partners outside of their marriage. There are, of course, some people who have very strong opinions about this issue and it always sparks fairly intense debate. A recent discussion of the subject on one of my lists inspired me to finally put my own thoughts down.

I will admit to a bias right from the start - I think that these relationships ultimately can only lead to one or more people getting hurt. My bias comes from personal experience and from years of listening to the stories of women who've become involved with married men and the stories of partners hurt by the betrayal caused by a spouse's infidelity. My intent is not to preach. My intent is to, hopefully, encourage thought before action. Ultimately the decision is each individual's to make but my hope is that it is made with a clear head.

I'm not married and I never have been so when I came to the place in my life where I realized my desire for a relationship based on D/s, I didn't have to wrestle with the ethical/moral and logistical dilemma of trying to balance that hunger with my commitment to someone who didn't share that desire. I count my blessings for that often. I don't know what I would have done and I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

My very first Dominant submissive relationship was with a married Dominant. I felt somewhat apprehensive about whether or not I would be able to continue over the long term because of that but I wanted so badly to experience what I hungered for that I ignored that niggling doubt and entered into the relationship. It didn't work. I found it lonely and unfulfilling. I found myself resenting him for not being able to give me what I needed as, predictably, we never really got beyond the place where it felt like we were play partners and nothing more. Had I listened to my inner voice, I would have realized that from the beginning but... well ...live and learn. Do I regret it? In some ways yes and in some ways no. I learned a valuable lesson. I learned it the hard way but I did learn.

 Since then, when ever I have been single and searching I am often approached by many married Doms. My answer is always the same .. "thank you no". Simply put, there is no way that someone who is otherwise attached or committed can give me the kind of relationship that I want to have. While I may have my private thoughts about the ethics or morality of what they are doing, my absolute refusal to even consider it has more to do about knowing what I want in a relationship.

As far as I'm concerned as long as they are honest about their situation and realistic about what they can offer (and many aren't) that's their angst to deal with. Which brings me, if I might be so bold, to some advice I would offer to single submissives who are considering becoming involved with with married Doms.

Owning and caring for a submissive is a huge responsibility; one that, in my mind, requires more than a weekly play session. If he has a wife and family, chances are he doesn't have time to guide, support and grow with you. He may have the best of intentions but not the time nor ability.

Is he going to be there to help you understand and ride out the endorphin crash and the intense emotions that happen after play? Will he be there to hold you and comfort you when you are overwhelmed by the feelings your submission produces?

 D/s and BDSM takes an enormous amount of trust in each other. The way I see it is that his betrayal of his wife (if she doesn't know) is at best a chip in his trust-worthiness. Can you really trust this person with your physical and emotional well-being and safety? If he's lying to her, will he lie to you also? Can you be sure he won't?

I would urge you to be cautious and, perhaps most of all, honest with yourself about what kind of relationship you want. If you are looking for a relationship that might grow into a long term commitment, he's probably not the one for you. If you want someone who can share your life with you and include you in his, he's probably not the one. If you choose him, you will probably spend a lot (read most) of your nights and weekends alone.

You will be a secret and your time with him will be limited because his first priority will be his family. Likely you will not be able to share your relationship with your friends and family because you don't want to tell them he's married.

If he tells you he is planning to leave his marriage soon, my advice would be to tell him to call you when he does. He may have the best of intentions at the time he says it but do you really want to find out in 1,2 or 5 years that he can't bring himself to walk away from his wife and children?

Would you respect him if he did?

This Dominant submissive/slave lifestyle website first became active on about February 1, 2002.  The Asj community has been online in one form or another, including bulletin boards since approximately early 1985.

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Revised: September 10, 2019