Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction


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A Dominants view

Through speaking to a number of submissives it has become apparent that they are being contacted more and more by Dominants who claim to be experienced and know just what the sub wants. In fact judging by some of the mail and messages these subs have received nothing could be further from the truth.

This is just my opinion but I know that many of these Doms visit this site "to see what the sluts are talking about". I would like to give my overview of what I see as the fundamentals of D/s. I hope the genuinely experienced even though they may disagree will accept my point. Only the wannabe`s will take umbrage and it is those "people" that I aim this at.

Learn the basics and you may find the rest is much easier. I hope the new subs among you will read this, as it is what YOU should expect, nothing less. If you choose to not head the warnings and walk blindly in then you may get hurt.

There are many resources available to give you the help and information you need to keep yourself safe and I hope find a good and fulfilling relationship. Understanding the fundamentals of the lifestyle is crucial to your growth, no matter how you choose to implement them.


Did you know, the Asj Community hosts ‘Dominant submissive and BDSM Lifestyle Classes and Discussions’ here online every Sunday evening at 9:00 pm Eastern Time.  The Classes and Discussions are open to all and Free to attend.  Visit our Members Only Pages for more information, or click any of our “ask live” icons to ask for more information.


From that flows the term "Dominant" as one who exerts control over a consenting partner. Notice the words "consenting" and "mutual". It is important to dispel a common misconception that many novice dominants have.

Being a dominant does not entitle you to lord over any and all submissives who happen your way. The critical term that distinguishes "domination" from "abuse" is consensuality. This applies to more than just sexual activities: It extends to our interactions on every level. Unless you have a relationship with a submissive, you have no right to expect their submission to you. Waltzing into a room and commanding subs to "kneel before you" will, at best, get you laughed at and will likely earn you the distain of dominants and submissives alike.

We have various terms for such people: CHuDWa (Clueless heterosexual dom/me wannabe), HNG (Horny net geek), and several other less polite adjectives.

"Consenuality is really the first law of D&S communities ....Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S: Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins."
Different Loving, p. 52

From this, you can see that it's not all about "me, me me!" but about "us". Everything that occurs between dominant and submissive should be for mutual benefit, not for yours alone. It's not about the sub giving everything and you sitting back and taking it all, offering little or nothing in return. It is a power exchange. Control isn't something that we take, but it is something that we accept. There's a subtle difference.

In order for the submissive to surrender some of his/her control to you, you have to earn their trust. It isn't something that you are entitled to by virtue of your title as dominant. Once again, the emphasis is on "consensual". Of particular note is the last sentence in the definition. This is an exchange, which means it is a two-way process. In return for your submissive's surrender of control, you have an obligation to assume responsibility for those things surrendered. This is where the idea of negotiation comes into play.

"What? You mean it's not as simple as me giving the orders and the sub obeying?" In a word: no. Fiction and the media certainly have led many to that misconception. In reality, it takes communication. Both parties have to make known to each other what their needs, desires, and limits are. Failure to do so can lead to serious physical or emotional injury and is the most common reason for a bad session or the failure of a relationship.

It is more than you simply laying down the law. You need to know what your submissive's hopes, desires, and expectations are. She may need something from you that you cannot or are not willing to offer. You may need something from your relationship that the sub is not ready to give.

D/s relationships are built upon a foundation of trust and communication. Those two factors, more than any others, will determine how successful and satisfying your relationships will be. You can no more build a house without a solid foundation than you can a relationship. The choice is yours: Build your relationship upon sand or stone. It doesn't take an engineer to know which will last longer.


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