You have just been through a trial period with a new dominant and it did not work. You feel broken and used, and you loudly complain about this dominant to all the other submissives who even want to listen. It is all fine to try and warn others against someone and their abusive practices. Did you do what you could have to assure your own safety? Did you take responsibility for you? BDSM is a two way street and you need to walk the walk after you talked the talk on the many forums you sell yourself as an expert on.

So what are the things you are responsible for?

Your safety:

You need to know what all the possible areas of play are. Go through kink lists and find the definitions of everything. What you don't know, you need to ask about. When communicating with a new dom, make sure that he or she also knows what these terms mean and find out what areas of play interest them. When you are looking to connect with someone, you make sure that your kink matches. Make sure that the prospective dominant is safe and sticks to limits and safe words, by asking for a list of submissives he/ or she has played or been with. Ask for references. Try to talk to people over the phone as people have been known to create multiple profiles to create false references. If not the phone, at least ask for a webcam or skype.

Google the dominant's name and make sure that there are no obvious problems like warrants for arrest etc. If you see any red flags, stop all contact immediately.

When you meet, make sure that it is in a public place and that you have information like his license plate, driver's license and cell number. Make sure that a friend you trust has the number. Also try to give your friend details about where you are going, so they can call there in an emergency should they have to. Have a sign ready like saying something out of the ordinary for when things aren't going well, so your friend can call the police or come to get you. Do not let the stranger pick you up, drive yourself to the venue as this will give you an out if you need one. Try not to play the first time you meet and when you play, try to organize it to be at a public play party. That way you will be safe.

When you play, make sure that the safe word has been agreed upon and that you have a way of stopping all play should it become necessary. If you can't talk, use some other signal to end all play. If the dominant ignores your safe word or your limits, leave directly afterwards and do notgo back. Warn other submissives in the area. Do not take more than you are supposed to. If a dominant hurts you and you did not use the safe word, the dominant is not at fault. It is your responsibility then and smearing their name is a travesty then.

If a dom plays with you and does not look after you when he or she is done, it signifies that they either do not know what they are doing, or that they don't care. Is this what you want? You need to establish this as well during your negotiations.

Your consent:

You have to make sure that you are consenting to everything. You also need to make sure that you are not consenting to someone who does not share your values. Is he or she married and doing this without their partner's consent? There is no consent possible in a situation like this as a married couple, in my view, is a unit and consent has to be with the unit. Consent can also not take place when you have no idea what is going to happen due to ignorance. You can only consent to things you at least know what they mean. You need to structure your consent. If this is only going to be some really kinky sex, you need to make sure that condoms are used, for your safety and to ensure that consent is part of the deal.

Your sanity:

You need to make sure that your BDSM activities do not take over your entire life. You need to manage it and make sure that there is balance. As soon as you become obsessive and it becomes destructive to your life, you need to step back and take responsibility for you. BDSM related activities are only considered to be deviant and showing a need for treatment when it does reduce your capability to function in normal life. This is not your dominant's responsibility. It is yours.

You also need to make sure that you do not choose a dominant who forces you to isolate yourself. You need your loved ones, unless you think they are negatively impacting your life. Do not allow a dominant to isolate you. For your own sanity, it is important to stay in contact with those that do not necessarily share your kinks or lifestyle.