The Unowned Submissive
For the un-owned or unaccompanied submissive, the BDSM world, or “lifestyle” as it is commonly referred to by its practitioners, is ripe with pitfalls and dangers. The “Doctrine of the Un-owned Submissive” has been designed to minimize those pitfalls by giving the un-owned submissive a road map through the BDSM fog. What follows here is by no means a hard and fast set of rules to be followed religiously. The Doctrine is a guideline. It is a generic tool to help un-owned submissive find their way safely in what can be a very harsh environment.
For most lifestyles, BDSM is a safe and fulfilling way of life. Unfortunately, because of the cloud of “forbidden passions” and “dark desires” that loom over the lifestyle, many unsavory elements are also drawn to it. These people use the cloak of BDSM to mask dangerous, and sometimes criminal, behaviors. It is for this reason that it is imperative that the submissive that is walking these dark halls alone be as fully educated as possible. BDSM can be safe and joyous. The Doctrine is intended to help the un-owned submissive achieve that goal.
Chapter 1
Cautions
There are many things that an un-owned submissive needs to keep an eye opened for within the lifestyle. Some of these pitfalls can be dangerous. Others will interfere with the submissive’s search for a mutually fulfilling Dominant/submissive (D/s) or Master/slave (M/s) relationship. Whichever the case, by falling victim to these traps, you may be set back in your journey or even prompted to leave the lifestyle all together. Remember, the Doctrine is not meant to discourage you, only to make you aware.
The first trap is the most subtle. It is a command for respect. New submissive are often pummeled with the notion that if you do not “respect” all dominants that you are not a “true submissive,” (whatever the hell that means). There are two things you must remember about respect. First: There is a very large difference between the entity of respect and the act of being respectful. Second: Dominants are just people and people (no matter who they are or what position they hold) must earn your respect.
Being respectful should be a no-brainer. No one is going to want to take on a disrespectful submissive. More to the point, disrespectful people are not any fun to be around. It is possible to be respectful to someone that you have no respect for. People do it in the business world all the time. It is also possible to be disrespectful to someone you have the greatest respect for. As long as you are un-owned you need to keep your wits about you and act in a respectful way to everyone.
As far as having respect for people... they need to earn your respect. Officers in the military have to earn the respect of the men under them. Businessmen have to earn the respect of their employees. And dominants in the lifestyle must earn the respect of a submissive. M/s and D/s relationships are very much dependant on trust. You simply can not trust someone who has not earned your respect. So, do not just give your respect out blindly and especially do not just hand it over to someone who demands it. A demand for respect is the tell of someone who does not deserve it.
The most
dangerous element that prowls the shadow of the BDSM lifestyle is rouge
(Fake) dominants. These are people who are not interested in mutually
fulfilling relationships. They are out to hurt someone and have found a
bountiful hunting ground by hiding on the edges of the lifestyle and
preying on the unaware and inexperienced. Submissive’s have been
seriously injured, permanently marred, and on the rare occasion even
killed. The perpetrators of these injuries are rarely brought to justice
because of a fear of discovery on the victim’s part. BDSM is still a
much closeted lifestyle and few have the fortitude to risk exposure. So
the rouge dominants often escape and are free to find new victims. The
best way to avoid being victimized by rouge dominant is to be aware and
know the signs that identify them.
Rouge dominants come in all shapes and sizes and their intentions are
equally varied. The most common are the players. The player rouge
dominants are in a contest. They want something specific from you. BDSM
is their game board and they will try to turn you into a game piece.
There is a sure-fire way to ID players: Theory and practice do not
match.
Players are con-artists. They talk the good talk and may even be
exceptionally knowledgeable. They will use that knowledge to make you
think that they are sincere and a well-rounded dominant. But when it
comes time to put things in motion, there is a single, specific activity
that interests them and they will continue to come back to it over and
over again to the complete exclusion of any other activity. Players are
not dominants. Dominants are aware of, and interested in, the wants and
needs of the submissive. Players are interested only in fulfilling their
own interest and have no regard for you.
“Sexual predators.” If you need that term defined for you, you are SO
not ready to enter the lifestyle. I am not even sure you should be out
in public for that matter. Sexual predators have one thing on their
minds; sex. They will go to any length to get it. And they do not care
who gets hurt in their pursuit of whatever form of sex they want. Too
many sexual predators have learned that by stalking prey in BDSM they
can often find quarry that will willingly allow themselves to be
subdued. Once they make their prey helpless, it is too late for the
unwitting submissive to save herself.
It is easy to spot sexual predators if you just keep track of what they
talk about. Their conversations always come back to sex. No matter what
form of BDSM the general conversation is referring to, they will
manipulate it to include some sexual content. If the conversation is
about serious bondage techniques, they will insert the idea of having
sex with the submissive while she is bound. In a discussion about
over-the-knee spanking the sexual predator will introduce the idea of
having sex with a freshly reddened back-side. Sexual predators are
dangerous. When they can not get what they want by persuasion and
trickery, they will resort to force and violence. A rapist is a sexual
predator that does not have the brains to trick a woman into his bed.
Most of the time you can avoid the attention of rouge dominants by
avoiding “predator and prey syndrome.” Predator and prey syndrome starts
when an un-owned submissive acts helpless or lost. It is the animal
kingdom at its finest. Predators target the weak and injured. A
“helpless submissive” will attract the attention of rouge dominants as
surely as a floundering fish will attract sharks. “Submissive” does not
mean “helpless.” The two terms are not even listed as synonyms in
dictionaries or thesaurus’. You should not, must not, portray yourself
to be helpless at any time. If you do, you make yourself a target. If
you do find yourself in the company of someone you suspect may be rouge
dominant you need to re-evaluate how you are presenting yourself. A
strong submissive will find a good M/s or D/s relationship. A helpless
submissive will find people who want to hurt her.
Even dominants
who are sincere in their BDSM lifestyle pursuits will still attempt to
use un-owned submissive’s while avoiding any real commitment or
responsibility towards them. This usually happens when the dominant is
interested in playing with a new toy but does not actually want to
bother with its upkeep. There is nothing wrong with negotiating a play
session with a dominant that does not own you. It is a good way to
fulfill a temporary need and gain valuable experience.
When the dominant expects you to be at his beckon call but does not
reciprocate anything of lasting value, it is time to take a long look at
the relationship. Your search for a long term meaningful M/s or D/s
relationship can be seriously jeopardized by a dominant who makes a
claim to you that you have not consented to. They do this by suggesting
possibilities. They do not actually promise the submissive anything.
They just make it seem like it could happen. You can tell that this is
happening when they do not give you any specific goals or indicate a
specific reward. They just want to keep you where they have ready
un-obligated access to you.
One of the ways a dominant can keep an unowned submissive on the line is
by using “the lure of ownership” as bait. It is a simple tactic. Find
what someone desires and use it to manipulate them. Dominants know that
most submissives seek ownership. So by eluding to the possibility of
ownership (but never actually promising it), a dominant can build a
large stable of ready submissives without having to go through the
trouble of taking care of them.
Another way of doing that is to give the submissive a new name; a
“submissive name.” If a dominant does not own you, he does not have the
right to change your name. All too often, though, dominants give
submissives names to keep them in line. The inexperienced submissive is
made to believe that a new name is one of the steps towards ownership.
The truth is, giving new names to unowned submissives is a control ploy.
It is a trick that attempts to convince the submissive that, “you have
the name I gave you, so you have to do what I say.” Do not fall for it.
If you are not seriously negotiating ownership, you should not regard a
new name as anything more than a playground nic-name.
The new name is not the only false promise a dominant will make to an
unowned submissive he has no intention of ever owning. There are tons;
way too many to try to list here. I am not trying to paint dominants as
liars or being dishonest. It is just that keeping an unowned submissive
or two available for play suits a dominant’s interests. So it is a good
idea, from the dominant’s standpoint, to pursue it. If a submissive
enjoys being part of an “unowned stable” there is no reason not to
participate. It is important, however, for the submissive to understand
the situation and not to allow herself to be kept in the stable by false
pretences and empty promises.
There is a
phenomenon in the lifestyle known as “Velcro collars.” In some cases,
Velcro collars can come close to being mentally and emotionally abusive.
They are certainly hurtful to the submissive. Putting on a collar is
akin to putting on a wedding ring. It is a deep commitment. Just as many
marriages fail, so do many M/s and D/s relationships. That is the nature
of humanity. A Velcro collar is something that is intentionally
presented with a false commitment. A collar is a promise of longevity. A
Velcro collar is the lie of that promise.
Here is the worst part of Velcro collars. It is exceptionally difficult
for a submissive to identify a collar as being Velcro when it is put
around her neck. When they come off (and they always come off) it hurts
more than any whip or cat-o-nine-tails. Velcro collars happen when an
unowned submissive does not respond to the lure of ownership in a
dominant’s favor. In that case, the dominant offers a fake ownership;
one that he can dissolve at any time with out care or consequence to
himself.
Despite being so hard to spot, there are a couple of tell tale signs
that a Velcro collar might be coming. The hard part is to recognize them
before hand. The first one is the phrase “under consideration.” When a
submissive hears this, her radar should go up. Basically, “under
consideration” is a way for the dominant to make the submissive think
that there may be possibly the chance of the dominant owning her
sometime in the “who knows” future and he does not want her to find
something better while he “weighs his options.”
An authentic training collar (often times referred to as a collar of
consideration) is the trial time for deciding if actual ownership is
right for both people; to see if dominant and submissive mesh correctly.
The authenticity of a collar of consideration is easily established with
a submission contract that outlines the conditions of the situation and
the options for the future when the time period (also stated in the
contract) of the collar is completed. Just being “under consideration”
is a way for a selfish dominant to keep other dominants from playing
with his toys while, at the same time, keeping the submissive blind to
other options. Beware of counterfeit collars of consideration that have
no set time limit. They are Velcro collars.
The other sign of impending Velcro is when a dominant “ear marks” a
submissive. This can be hard for the submissive spot. Ear marks are
intended to dissuade other dominants from getting involved with the
target submissive. The dominant doing the ear marking most likely will
not let the submissive know she has been ear marked. When other
dominants begin to routinely ask a submissive, “Aren’t you with (name)?”
she can be fairly certain she’s been ear marked. The best way to counter
an ear mark is to answer that question with a resounding, “No,” and then
reiterating your unowned status. If a dominant is not willing to make a
commitment to you, he does not have the right to interfere with another
dominant seeking you out.
Sometimes
someone will try to falsely convince an unowned submissive that she has
some kind of obligation to take part in something. This is usually
attempted by using the “I did something for you so now you have to do
this for me” ploy. It is like the opening scene of the Godfather; “Some
day, and this day may never come, I’ll call on you to do me a favor.”
Excrement! First of all, that day always comes. Second of all, unless a
trade of services is negotiated before hand, unowned submissives do not
owe anybody anything. Unowned submissives should regard anyone that
tries to convince them otherwise as a player.
Unowned means no obligation outside negotiated terms. If a dominant
wants an unowned submissive to submit to him, he needs to cut the deal
before anything else happens. And guess what, the unowned submissive is
the one who gets to dictate the conditions of the deal. Do ONLY what has
been negotiated and ONLY for the length of time negotiated. At the end
of a negotiated play session, the dominant’s claim to the submissive
ends. Do not allow a dominant to make you think you owe him anything
just because he participated. It does not matter how much time, money,
planning or effort went into the session. As long as the submissive held
up her end of the bargain, that is it. Obligation ended.
The “party
favor” syndrome sneaks up on unowned submissives. Unowned submissives
have the advantage of being able to play however they want with whomever
they want. Being unowned, there is nobody to restrict how active they
are in their pursuit of lifestyle pleasures. When the unowned submissive
has the added advantage of operating in an organized group or club that
provides a safe environment, it becomes easy to get overly involved.
It stacks up like this: The unowned submissive has free reign to attend
any party and to participate in any activity. All too soon she is
suddenly attending all the parties and is a key figure in most of the
activities. At that point, she becomes a party favor. Some submissives
like being party favors. If that is what they want, more power to them.
For the unowned submissive who is seeking an M/s or D/s relationship,
being a party favor works hard to her disadvantage. Used submissives are
in the same class as used cars. The more mileage it has, the less
valuable it is. Refurbishing a submissive is harder than retooling a
car. There are few dominants that will want to take the time or trouble
to turn a party favor into a viable submissive or slave. Educating a
submissive takes time and effort. Re-education compounds it.
The final
caution is something that nearly all submissives have had a problem with
at one time or another; addressing inappropriate behavior of a dominant.
This is one of the greatest disadvantages of being unowned. If a
dominant acts inappropriately to an owned submissive, she can report it
to the dominant who owns her. It is then his responsibility to address
it. Unowned submissives do not have that safety catch. That lack of
protection often prompts a dominant to act in a way with an unowned
submissive that he would not attempt with an owned submissive. That is
not acceptable and unowned submissives should not tolerate it.
The problem is that submissives, especially unowned submissives, get
bombarded with the idea that they should not talk back to dominants. Too
often that idea makes unowned submissives allow dominants to take
liberties they have no right to take. Dominants often defend this bad
behavior by making a claim that they are “testing a submissive’s ability
to submit.” That is a predatory tactic.
Unowned submissives need to draw a line of acceptable conduct and
confront anyone that crosses that line regardless of how uncomfortable
they may be doing it. This is particularly important when it comes to
dominants. Allowing someone to interact with you in an inappropriate
manner makes you look helpless and kicks in the “predator and prey”
syndrome which will attract rouge dominants who will act even more
inappropriately. If a dominant does not own you, he does not have the
right to choose how he is going to interact with you. Self preservation
starts with setting your own rules and sticking to them.
Chapter 2
Philosophies
Unowned submissives have special concerns and considerations that owned submissives and slaves do not have to worry about. For the owned, the dominant assumes many responsibilities for the care and well being of the submissive. Not having that support to rely on is the main disadvantage of being unowned. The unowned are on their own. To successfully navigate through the BDSM lifestyle, the unowned need to keep a number of extra philosophies in mind.
Although
obedience is a goal of all submissives, the unowned need to remember
that they do not owe obedience to anyone. Obedience is a toll paid to
the owner of a submissive. You do not pay a toll when you are not on a
toll road. An unowned submissive may choose to offer her obedience to
someone. That is, after all, a major goal of D/s and M/s relationships.
No dominant has the right to demand obedience from an unowned
submissive. If this kind of demand, or expectation, is being made to an
unowned submissive she should back away from the person making the
demand.
On the other side of that same coin, neither does an unowned submissive
owe allegiance to anyone. One of the many advantages of being unowned is
being able to choose which side of any issue you want to support. The
unowned can pick and choose her own friends and acquaintances. When a
dominant tries to dictate who an unowned submissive is allowed to
associate with, that constitutes the “cutting from the herd” phase of
predator and prey syndrome. There is an old saying, “When one person
warns you against another, be on your guard... against the person who
warned you.”
Unowned
submissives also have rights that owned submissives do not enjoy. The
strongest of these is “the right of refusal.” Yes, you read that right.
Unowned submissives get to say, “No.” As an unowned submissive, you are
the only one allowed and able to set limits for what you will or will
not do. If there is anything that you are not comfortable with, that you
consider unsafe or that you just plain do not want to do... refuse. Say
“no.” Anyone that tries to convince an unowned submissive that she can
not say “no” is either a player or a predator. In which case, the
submissive should say “no” to everything that person suggests.
Unowned submissives should never play or participate in any activity
that is demanded of them. Unowned submissives participate by request,
not by demand. Only an owner has the right to demand action from a
submissive. No ownership = no demand. Even if the submissive enjoys what
is being demanded, she should still refuse the demand. By obeying the
demand, the submissive sets a president of unearned obedience. Even a
single display of this can trigger predator/prey sensors of rouge
dominants. It is a weakness they can exploit. Unowned submissives have
the right to negotiate every request made of them and refuse unwanted
aspects. Do not give this right away.
Self preservation is not only a right of the unowned submissive, it is
an important responsibility. “Unowned” often is synonymous with
“unaided.” This means the unowned submissive has only herself to rely
upon for safety. You should not, by any action or remission of action,
allow yourself to be placed in a situation that makes you feel even the
least bit unsafe. The whole of this Doctrine has been written with the
intent of giving unowned submissives a tool they can use to establish a
means of self preservation. In a nutshell; if you do not feel safe, you
are not safe. So fix it.
An effective way of maintaining a good level of safety is to operate
within a group/club/organization that offers a safe environment to its
members. It is another rule of nature: there is safety in numbers.
Groups can ID rouge dominants better than individuals. Clubs offer
valuable education that can prevent a misstep. Organizations will have
operating procedures in place that offer extra safety. Just because a
submissive is unowned, it does not mean she has to be alone. Find
friends, advisors, people who have proven themselves trustworthy. These
people can not only make your journey safer but a whole lot more fun.
Submission is a
precious commodity. If it was available on the stock exchange it would
out-price gold. As with any commodity, buyers will do anything they can
to get a deal on the price. They want to buy low and sell high.
Unfortunately, the only way to “buy low” is to try to make the unowned
submissive believe her value is lower than it actually is or to even try
to convince her she has no value at all.
Submissiveness DOES NOT equal worthlessness. If it did, dominants would
not expend so much time or energy on submissives. In a 24/7 M/s
relationship, the submissive has all her needs provided for her.
Everything from clothes and food to a place to live are given to her in
exchange for her submission. For M/s and D/s relationships that are not
24/7, the level of that exchange varies with the conditions of the
relationship. Either way, it is a serious investment in time, energy and
often money on the part of the dominant. If submission had no value,
they would not bother.
One of the ways of trying to convince an unowned submissive that she is
devalued is by using humiliation play in a harmful manner. It is a
common tactic of rouge dominants. There is nothing wrong with
humiliation play as long as it remains play. When the humiliation
tactics leave the confines of a play session and begin to attack real
life self esteem, they become a predatory tool. The unowned submissive
that consents to humiliation play must remember that it is not a
personal value assessment. When a dominant’s humiliation tactics begin
to linger outside the play space, it is time to break off contact with
that dominant.
It is very common for submissives, owned and unowned, to be labeled with
terms like “bitch,” “slut,” “whore,” and worse. Many times they are
referred to as “it.” This is intended to remove undue pride. Unowned
submissives must be sure to maintain a high level of self-respect. It is
a priority for maintaining healthy mental and emotional states. One of
the best ways to keep your self-esteem at a high level is to take pride
in the labels. Play little games with yourself. i.e.: “I’m not a bitch.
I’m the bitch and it’s Miss Bitch to you.” “Yes, I am a whore. But you
couldn’t afford me with a year’s salary.” These types of games remove
the negative connotations from the terms that some dominants might use
to deflate your self esteem. Yes, many submissives are bitches, sluts
and whores... and we’re damn proud of it! So you stay proud of yourself,
Miss Unowned Submissive. Wear your unowned status like a badge of honor.
Unowned
submissives need to hone their communication skills to a fine edge.
Every negotiated play session requires good communication to set proper
limits. Finding the right M/s or D/s relationship will require massive
communications just getting to know a perspective partner. And the
ultimate negotiation of a submission contract will take communication
that will directly affect you for the whole length of the contract. This
is not just a high school teacher preaching about skills needed for the
future. This is your life. And as a BDSM submissive, your life has very
specific aspects that that need a great deal of attention. The average
person does not have to think about being bruised over a large area of
their body on a regular basis for the pleasure of someone else. BDSM
submissives do.
Self preservation, self-esteem, personal value and safety are also
dependant on how well an unowned submissive educates herself. If you
have read this far into the Doctrine, you obviously have some interest
in learning and education. That is a good thing. Do not lose that, ever.
You cannot be safe from danger by remaining ignorant to its existence.
There are many resources for learning in the lifestyle; books, internet
sites, people willing to teach. Unowned submissives, more than any other
people involved in BDSM, need to take full advantage of every resource.
They are the ones facing the most danger. Dominants do not have
predators vying for a chance to hurt them. Owned submissives have
protection. Unowned submissives’ success relies fully on their own
knowledge.
chapter 3
Protocols
The best way to
avoid the “helpless submissive” persona is to interact with people in
the BDSM lifestyle in a manner that is socially acceptable within the
confines of that lifestyle. The lifestyle is very structured. One of the
key ways to identify a newcomer is by observing behavior that does not
conform to lifestyle protocols. Getting a definite grip on protocol can
be difficult because there are no set standards. Protocols vary from
group to group and even from person to person.
Ultimately it is the responsibility of the dominant to set down the
rules of protocol for the submissive he owns. Those protocols will set
the groundwork for all rules that the submissives will be required to
live by during her ownership. This leaves the unowned submissive at an
obvious disadvantage. Being unowned, she has no one to set down any
rules of conduct (protocols) for her. Without protocols she is an easy
mark to make as being inexperienced. Luckily, since there are no hard
and fast protocol rules for the lifestyle, the unowned submissive can
adopt some generic protocols that most people involved with the BDSM
lifestyle will acknowledge, accept and respect.
Protocols deal with behavior. They set a social norm of how people
interact with one another. In the BDSM lifestyle, the protocols are much
more strict than in standard society. All one’s inter-personal
interactions will either be made or broken depending on how well one can
adhere to acceptable protocols.
Protocol really is not a mystery. The best way to begin is to go back to
kindergarten and take a refresher course on common courtesies. Mark
Twain said, “Common sense ain’t all that common.” Well it seems that in
the beginning of the 21st century common courtesy is not any more
common. So go back to the basics. Being courteous and receptive to
courtesy goes a long way.
Simple politeness is more valuable than can be accurately described. I
know you probably think it is silly to actually say that. But the number
of impolite and inconsiderate people head-butting their way through the
lifestyle with no idea about why they can not connect for any length of
time is astounding. Be nice. Any child who ever went out to play has
heard their mother say, “Be polite and play nice.” Interacting with
others in the lifestyle is a good time to do just that.
Since we are re-hashing things our mothers told us... watch your
language! Yes it is true that the BDSM lifestyle very often involves
heavy sexual content. That is no reason to saturate you speaking with
all the words that have been deemed not appropriate for public broadcast
by the FCC. Vulgarity for the mere sake of being vulgar is ugly. More to
the point, it is not polite. Most to the point, it is not necessary.
Sexual content can be discussed without degrading to vulgarities and
offensive language. Yes, sometimes “fuck” is the proper word. But it
should not be the single most common adjective in your vocal repertoire.
While you are being polite and watching your language, pay attention
when others are talking. There go those kindergarten rules again. One
sure-fire way to annoy and aggravate a dominant is to make him repeat
himself. One sure-fire way to annoy and aggravate a dominant is to make
him repeat himself. One sure-fire way to annoy and aggravate a dominant
is to make him repeat himself. See how annoying that is? Dominants get
very use to having their wills attended to swiftly. It is a punishable
offence for an owned submissive to miss something that is said to her
due to inattentiveness. As an unowned submissive searching for an M/s or
D/s relationship, you need to display that you are capable of as high a
level of attention as any owned submissive.
The Doctrine touched early on the importance of acting in a respectful manner. It is here, in the protocols, where that comes into play. When dealing with dominants, the unowned submissive should act with respect without obligation. There is that word “obligation” again. Remember, unowned submissives are not obligated to anyone. So neither you nor a dominant should imply obligation by your respectful actions. If a dominant politely asks you to fetch a drink, by all means do so. If he tells you to get it, stay where you are. An unowned submissive’s politeness is not a declaration of service. Politeness is a two-way street. The unowned submissive has every right to expect it from dominants.
When an unowned
submissive does speak with a dominant, she should use titles that do not
imply ownership. The safest titles are “Sir” for men and “Ma’am” for
women. It is rare for a dominant to take offence at either of those
terms. Do not use a dominant’s proper name unless it is made clear that
it is ok to do so. Generally speaking, the best thing to do is to refer
to a dominant with the term they are introduced to you with. Not all
women like “Ma’am.” So if you are introduced to “Lady (name)” call her
by the title, “Lady.”
The exceptions are titles that imply ownership. The two biggest of those
are “Master” and “Mistress.” Any other term that feels like an
implication of ownership should be avoided also. A master owns someone.
So if an unowned submissive calls a man “Master” when speaking to him,
it implies his ownership. That is a bad thing. Most dominants will act
on the implication and attempt to take liberties that are not their due,
even if it is a subconscious reaction. If you offer a dominant ownership
you can not be surprised when he takes it. Do not make the offer.
A big pit-fall
in protocol that many new and inexperience submissives fall into is not
asking for permission to interact with others. Dominants have the right
to decide who they will allow to talk to them. When an unowned
submissive approaches a dominant for the first time, it is a good idea
to start with something along the line of, “May I speak with you?” It is
a great way to start off with a respectful demeanor and dominants will
notice the effort. Once a dominant has given an unowned submissive
permission for open conversation it’s not generally necessary to ask
again. Unless the dominant has rescinded that permission for some
reason.
Dominants also have the right to dictate who the submissives they own
are allowed to talk to. If an owned submissive talks to you, it is a
good bet she has permission to do so. When in doubt ASK. Most of the
time you can ask the submissive. All owned submissives know who they can
and cannot talk to. If however the unowned submissive wishes to catch
the attention of the dominant, it is a good idea to ask the dominant for
permission to talk to the submissive he owns.
This next
protocol is a silent expression of respectful behavior. It is very
simple, but the number of submissives, owned and unowned, who forget it
is staggering. Submissives should keep their heads lower than
dominants‘. It is like saluting officers in the military. It is a
gesture that acknowledges their position as dominants. Of course, if the
submissive is a six and a half foot Amazon of a woman exceptions will be
made when she and the dominant are both standing.
This is so laughably simple it borders on incomprehension that so many
submissives forget it. Submissive should not be on a higher level than
the dominant. If the dominant is standing, the submissive should feel
free to stand.
If the dominant is sitting, the submissive should sit. Where a
submissive should sit is not always clear. It is a widely accepted
“rule” of protocol that submissives should not sit on furniture unless
given permission to do so. But it is not universal. Check in your area
to be sure. If the dominant is sitting on the floor (which is rare) then
the submissive should be on the floor as well. In a nutshell, do not
stand up to talk to a dominant that is not standing.
Kneeling. Submissives spend a lot of time on their knees, owned more than unowned. Kneeling, when to do it, and to whom to do it for can be very tricky. To start with, let us define exactly what kneeling means in the BDSM lifestyle. 1) It is an act of respect. By kneeling in front of a dominant the submissive is acknowledging the dominant’s rank. 2) It is a show of submission. Kneeling is the submissive’s declaration that she is indeed submissive. You will never see a dominant on his knees without a gun to his head.
Now let us look at what kneeling is not. 1) It is NOT mandatory for the unowned submissive. Being unowned gives a submissive the right to decide to whom she is going to be submissive towards. That means she also decides to whom she kneels to and whom she does not. 2) If the unowned submissive does choose to kneel, it is NOT a declaration of servitude. Just because an unowned submissive kneels to show her respect, she is not tossing out everything the Doctrine has covered to this point. Dominants should consider it a gift of respect when unowned submissives kneel to them.
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