Interviewing a Prospective Dominant submissive - BDSM Partner
A submissives journey
A submissives journey
Over the past few years, as i have explored and
then jumped into this lifestyle, one of the recurring questions i've
heard is... "How do you find a good Dominant?" There are several
articles on the Net suggesting places to look... local D/s-BDSM
groups, introductions from friends, online, personals, etc. What i
haven't run across yet is ... what questions should i ask a
prospective Dominant once I've found one of interest? Hence, this
essay.
By way of introduction, let me say that i have been a
professional marketing researcher for over 10 years. i have taught
literally hundreds of interviewers the best way to ask questions to
elicit information. Those questioning techniques are the ones
included in this article.
Some may take offense at the idea that someone is
interviewing a prospective partner. It may sound cold and
calculating. i guess, imho, the task of finding a suitable partner
should be taken as least as seriously as finding out whether someone
is qualified to stand behind a stainless steel counter and ask "Do
you want fries with that?"
i
had originally entitled this essay "Interviewing a
Prospective Dominant." But after thinking of the goal of an
interview, and thinking of the kinds of questions to be included in
such an interview, there is no reason why the same questions
couldn't be asked of either a Dominant or a submissive.
Now i know that this essay could be fraught with those
politically correct "he/she" "Top/Dominant/Master/Mistress/bottom/
submissive/charge/slave" words. Because this is being written for a
website aimed at primarily heterosexual novice submissives, i will
err toward the Dominant/He--submissive/she terminology. Please "sub"stitute
the words that make you feel most comfortable.
These are just general guidelines of the types of questions
to ask a prospective partner. Some of the questions may be of no
interest to you, and you can scratch those from the list. You will
undoubtedly have other information that you will wish to gather, and
you'll want to add questions to discover that. For example, if you
are evaluating someone for a future play session, you may or may not
wish to go into the in-depth questions that are presented here. On
the other hand, if you are evaluating a potential life mate, these
questions could be just a start of a lifetime of conversation.
Keep in mind that during the information-gathering stage,
through negotiations and up to the moment that submission and
acceptance occurs, you are speaking as equals. Neither individual
should feel reluctant to ask or answer questions "in order to form a
more perfect
The most revealing answers will come from
"open-ended" questions. Avoid questions that can be answered "yes"
or "no", unless you have a follow-up question that gives the
individual a chance to explain the answer.
You will probably not want to sit across a desk or
restaurant table with a list of questions, taking notes during your
conversation. It might be *just* a tad intimidating. Inquisitiveness
is a good thing--inquisition is not. i give you a couple of
suggestions here.
1. Suggest a game of "one-on-one truth or dare," in
which you set the stage for questions to be exchanged between you.
If this is done online, you can log the conversation to be reviewed
later. You might want to suggest that you keep the game at "truth"
questions, with no dares, until you know each other better. It's all
about what is most comfortable to you. Jay Wiseman has some
suggestions for playing "kinky truth or dare" here:
Jay's Truth or Dare rules
2. You can simply ask your prospective partner if you could
ask a few questions to get to know him better. Or, if he starts
asking questions, you should always feel comfortable asking him
questions in return.
3. Weave these questions into general conversation when the
opportunity presents itself. You will be seen as a "good
conversationalist," especially when you keep the other person
talking about himself or herself.
4. If you are corresponding in email, you may want to
suggest a "question of the day." i have had occasion where this
worked particularly well.... the rule that we had was, if i asked a
question, he would answer it, but then i had to give him *my* answer
to the same question.
This raises another suggestion. Before you ask
these questions, think about the types of answers you would give to
them if you were answering them, AND what kinds of answers you hope
to hear from your partner. If you approach this
information-gathering exercise with objectivity, you are more likely
to find someone with whom you are compatible.
As a good friend reminded me (thanks Mary!),
follow-up questions usually yield more information than the original
answer. "Probe" questions are used to get to full lists of things;
"clarifying" questions are used to get more detail or explanations
about things.
Use the time-tested research technique of asking "what else"
to get the person to continue talking. "What else did you like to do
as a kid?" "What else do you see yourself doing in five years?" In
face-to-face conversations, you can "probe" or "clarify" using body
language. A quizzical look.. a "hmmmmmm...not sure i understand"...
even your silence, accompanied by a nod, will encourage someone to
keep talking.
If you hear something in an answer that intrigues
you, or concerns you, or surprises you, ask more about it. To get
the details, you can use follow-up questions, referring to the
specific point you wish to clarify, such as:
1. You mentioned _____. That's really interesting to me. Can you tell me more about that?
2. I'm not sure i understand _______, can you give me an
example of that?
3. Hmmmm fascinating... why do you feel _____ was important?
4. That's just the kind of answer i was hoping to hear...
tell me more, please!
By the way, i probably learn as much about a person
by what they *don't* tell me as what they do. How long do they take
to answer a question? Do they evade it, or redirect it, or suddenly
have to take a phone call? Avoidance of a question is a red flag for
me. In a person-to-person conversation, watch body language...
shifting of the eyes, crossing the arms in front of the body,
turning away from you are all indications of someone being ill at
ease with the question.
i'm saving the most important aspect of
this communication lesson for the last of this section. Regardless
of how insightful the question is, or how complete the answer, it is
for naught if you don't LISTEN. Ask the question, listen for what is
said and what is not said, ask follow up questions and really
concentrate on what is being communicated to you.
Don't be thinking of the next question, or a comment you want to
make. LISTEN. Look into their eyes if you are face to face. Study
the expression on their face, and how they position their body. If
you are on the phone, you may want to make quick notes of comments
that you wish to probe or clarify later.
Now, on to the questions themselves:
Character Questions
1. Please tell me a story of your
childhood that helps me better understand the person you are today.
This is my all-time favorite, no-fail question. Be prepared for
humor, pathos, and even secret revelations of past embarrassments
and triumphs that they haven't thought of in years.
2. What do you feel is your greatest failure thus
far, and what did you learn from it? This one could reveal financial
difficulties, or relationship problems, career burps, or other life
bumps in the road. Beware the person who will admit to no failures.
Either they are not being honest with you, or masters
of deceiving themselves.
3. The mate to the preceding question, And what do
you feel is your greatest success? Listen to the answers here, and
in #2 above. If they are career oriented and you want a homebody,
there may be incompatibility.
4. Who has been the most influential person in your
life, up till now, and why? If he says its his mother, you *might*
want to find out, subtly, if he's still living with her. If it's the
shop teacher that taught him how to build sturdy equipment, or the
Boy Scout troop leader who taught him knots, you may well be on the
right track!
5. What do you feel are your strengths, and what do
you feel you would like to change or improve? Does he struggle with
this answer? Or can he give you lists quickly, off the top of his
head? This question is designed to evaluate how well he knows
himself, and how comfortable he is sharing his downside, as well as
his upside. Are the responses about physical characteristics, or
personal traits?
6. How would you describe your personal values and
beliefs? "Greed is good" tells you one thing. "The Golden Rule"
tells you something else entirely.
7. If you could break one law, and *know* that you
could get by with it and not be prosecuted, what would it be? Why?
Violent crimes (rape, murder, etc.) would be red flags for me.
8.
What are your life dreams and ambitions? How do the dreams
and ambitions you have now compare to the ones you had
9. If i were to have lunch with the person with whom you
were involved most recently, what would i know of you by the time we
ordered dessert? This one gives you insight as to how relationships
end, level of honesty, and whether you're apt to encounter any
"baggage" from that last relationship.
10. What question are you dreading that i will ask? What are
they hiding? What do they wish you not to know? What part of their
personality would they prefer to closet? Whether you actually *ask*
them this question is up to you. Personally, i couldn't stand not
asking <chuckle>.
11. What question do you hope i will ask you? This gives the
person the opportunity to tell you something they consider to be
very important about them. Judge for yourself the worthiness of what
they feel is important. i would definitely ask them to give you the
answer to this one.
"Life" Questions
I'm skipping the standard questions that everyone
customarily asks... Career choice, what do you look like (if a
non-personal communication), pets, yadda yadda. Don't forget to ask
those, as well.
1. I'd like to get more of a feel for you.
What does your home look like? (Follow-up question) Is it a house,
apartment, condo, or what? (If you are communicating online or on
the phone) Describe the room you are in right now or Describe your
favorite room of the house. This may yield clues to financial
stability, whether his ex moved out and took all the furniture, if
he lives in a pigsty, if he's anal-retentive about
cleanliness...even if he's living in a spare room of his office.
Don't laugh..it's happened to me!
2. Would you tell me a bit about the past relationships in
your life? Listen for *how* the past involvements are described, as
a whole. Are there any recurring themes here? Do they speak ill of
EVERY past involvement? Do they remain friends with their ex's? Are
they long term or a string of short term relationships? Ask followup
questions and really probe and clarify this question. In this one,
the past does tend to predict the future.
3. Why are you looking for a partner now? What is your
current relationship status? In the past, i've used such probes as:
"So... are there any crazy ex's in your life who are likely to serve
me rabbit stew?" This is also a good time to ask about children,
marital status, whether the person has any other submissives, if
there's a messy divorce looming, etc. If he's married, does his
spouse know of his Dominant submissive (D/s-BDSM) interest? Does she share it, or is she
vanilla? You will need to decide for yourself how important this
issue is for you.
4. Do you face any health issues? (If yes).. What are they?
Are there any physical limitations that might affect interactions
between us? For example, a submissive friend of mine was speaking
with a Dominant who, she found out later, was suffering the early
stages of Alzheimer's. People i have been with have admitted,
afterward, of having suffered heart attacks. Good follow-up
questions here are about smoking, alcohol intake, and use of
recreational or prescription drugs.
This raises the "safer sex" question. i've found it
easier to bring up the subject myself by saying "i am tested every 6
months for all STDs and HIV, and my most recent test was _____. How
about you? Are you fluid-bound with anyone?" Make plans to exchange
test results, or pledge to be tested before getting together, etc.
5. What do you like to do for leisure activities?
Look for common interests. If you're a movie/reading/music couch
potato, you may want to shy away from Master
Crocodile Dundee.
6. How do you envision your life 5 years from now?
10 years? How will it differ, or be similar, to the life you are
living today? Look for realistic life goals. See if they mesh with
yours.
7. What kind of car do you drive, and why did you buy that
one? Men tend to choose cars that reflect themselves or their life
situation. If they drive a station wagon or minivan, that tells me
"family". If they drive a Volvo, i tend to think "reliable and
down-to-earth." Porsche tells me... "vrooooom and exhibitionist."
8. Describe two typical days for you... one of your
work days, and one of your days off. This will tell you the level of
responsibility he has at work, the kinds of stresses that he
experiences, how involved he is in his job. It will also tell you
the ways he unwinds.
9. What did you study in school? What were your
favorite courses? Did you have any teachers who influenced you more
than others? If they went to college or technical school, why did
they choose the major or subject they did? Do they have any plans to
continue their education?
10. What are your pet peeves? What really ticks you
off? And how do you react when you're angry? This will give you a
list of things to avoid, and also give an indication of their level
of self-control over their anger.
There are several sites on the Net that include an
extensive list of scene elements.
BDSM Partner Checklist is one of the best organized and easy to use
that i have found on the Web. If there are activities that either of
you wish to do that are NOT on this list, don't forget to add them
before completing the checklist.
For a pretty good indication of compatibility between you, i
would suggest that you both complete this list, independently, and
compare your answers. Talk about each answer. Get specifics about
experience. "How many times do you think you've used a flog?" "Can
you give me a sense of how hard you hit with a crop?" "I don't know
what _____ is. Can you explain it to me?" As you're going through
the list, ask which elements are "specialties of the house"...things
he prefers to do, things he LOVES to do. This conversation alone
could take hours--even days--and, if fully probed and clarified,
will naturally lead to a discussion of limits, past experience,
wants and desires.
If you are negotiating a one-time or casual interaction, at
a minimum, you review this list and go through a discussion of "Must
have / Don't want to try / Dying to try / NO WAY" of the scene
elements that could be included.
If you are considering a long-term relationship,
though, my recommendation is to wait a long time before dragging out
the list. The discussion of specific elements and activities seems
to intensify the feelings between the two, as the hormones get
*really* involved at this stage. You want to stay objective as long
as possible. Ask these kinds of questions first:
1. What are you looking for? This is a wide-open
question, and it's intended to be probed, clarified, examined,
re-asked and closely evaluated. Do they mention relationship?... the
"f" word?... 24/7?... play partner?.. afternoon delight?... soulmate?
...an occasional play scene? How does the answer jibe with what you
want?
2. What is your personal philosophy of
(Dominance submission)? Do you describe yourself as a
Top, or
Dominant, or Master-Mistress, and what do you feel is the difference
among these? Why do you feel you are _____ as opposed to something
else? Do these definitions match yours? There are so many different
flavors in this lifestyle... D/s (dominance and submission)... BD
(bondage and discipline)... SM (sadism and masochism)... varying
intensities and levels of sensuality... even combinations of DS, BD,
and SM... relationships with sexual contact, or without... It's very
important to get this clarified right up front. i call it, making
sure the kinks match.
3. Have you ever been a
Dominant/submissive/Top/bottom/Master-Mistress/slave?
(whatever is the opposite of whatever the person is today.) (If yes)
Tell me more about that? What did you learn from that experience
that you feel makes you a better (whatever the person is today.)?
(If no) Why haven't you? Would you ever like to? Why or why not?
4. What is the most important advice you give to newcomers,
both to Dominants and submissives, who are exploring
D/s-BDSM? This
will give you some insight as to how much they have counseled
newcomers, as well as give you an idea of their perspective about
what is important to them.
5. What is the funniest thing that has ever
happened to you during a scene? Asking this question will be an
indication of the person's sense of humor, will get some specifics
on the types of things that could come up.
6. How long have you been actively (Dominant/submissive) and
how did you discover it? Watch out for the "i have been in the scene
for 25 years" kind of answer, especially if the person is only 40
years old. Do the math. Probe to find out if that is continuous
experience, or if there are lengthy retreats to the vanilla world.
7. Let's talk a bit about scenes. What's the most
intense scene you've done? What's a "typical" scene for you? Has
anyone ever gotten injured during a scene you were involved in?
Describe a scene that you have always wanted to do, but haven't yet.
What techniques or tools do you wish to learn? This will get to some
discussion of likes and dislikes, as well as fantasies, and will
also tell you if this prospective partner realizes that they "don't
know it all."
8.
How do you feel about polyamory? (having multiple
submissives seems to be the most frequent model of
polyamory) Is
this something you would wish to experience? Have you had
polyamorous relationships in the past? Talk this one through a
9. What is your sexual orientation? If there is any
interest in same-sex interactions, either as a participant or
observer? (if you are speaking to someone who is heterosexual)? If
either party is interested in partaking of a wider sexual
smorgasbord, how will those interests and desires be met within the
relationship? Will you be *expected* to interact with others of the
same sex?
10. What does a collar signify for
you? How many times have you (given/received) a collar?
There are those who feel a collar is tantamount to
the lifetime commitment of a wedding ring; others think of it as a
class ring, wrapped in mohair, to be removed and discarded on a whim.
11. If this is a relationship that will be
conducted at a distance, find out What methods and techniques will
you use to minimize the distance, to keep the connection strong
between us? How often will we meet in person? Who will pay for
travel expenses and long distance charges? It's better to get this
discussion out of the way, because if it is a long-distance
relationship, the issue is bound to come up.
12. How much control will be exerted within the
relationship? Is it more a micromanagement style? (selecting clothes
for the other, requiring constant contact, keeping daily time logs,
etc.) A minimum amount of control? Will it be exerted at all times,
or only when you are together, face-to-face? Are you comfortable
with that?
13. What are your thoughts on punishment? What
techniques does this person use to influence changes in unwanted
behavior? Are they positive, reinforcing those things that please?
Or are they punitive?
14. What will you expect of me? This question gets
to "the rules" and design of the relationship. Can you accept these
rules? What are his expectations in terms of "service" that you will
provide? How will he expect you to dress? How will you be expected
to behave in public? Does he expect you to scene in public, or will
all of your interactions be private? Will humiliation be an aspect
of the relationship? If so, what does he define as humiliation? Will
you be expected to interact with others (either male or female) of
his choosing? Will you be allowed to interact with others if you so
choose?
15. If sex will be an element of the relationship,
how do you define "sex"? This seems to be a pretty basic question,
but you'll be surprised at the variety of answers to this one. Some
have said, "the
16. The last point is difficult, particularly for novices.
If you are truly interested in a prospective partner, you will want
to get the names of others who know this person *real time*, and
better yet, those who have interacted with him or her. You might
say, "It is my practice to ask for references before i meet/play
with/scene with someone. Could you give me a couple of names and
phone numbers?" If you both live in the same community, you could
say, "I'm curious whether we might know some mutual people. Who do
you know in the scene here?" "Do you belong to any of the local
D/s-BDSM organizations?" If they tell you they frequent a particular
chat room, you might visit that room and discretely ask about them.
The community network is very active...use it to your benefit.
For this question especially, avoidance or dodging
is a *major* red flag for me. i have heard some say, "I never reveal
the names of my past encounters." That's well and good. Ask your
prospective to get in touch with the reference, and ask him to give
them YOUR name and get in touch with you.
Thank you for taking the time to review this
material. i'm sure that you have thought of questions of your own
that have worked for you in the past, or will work for you in the
future.
And i wish you much luck in your search and your exploration
of this lifestyle! i truly hope these suggestions help you find
someone qualified to stand behind a wood and leather spanking bench
and ask "Do you want clamps with that?"
Be safe!
