A psychotherapist looks at
why breaking up is hard to do in a D/s relationship -- and how to
survive the split.
"Whatever has a
beginning has an ending: make your peace with that and all will be
well. --The Buddha"
THE BREAKUP
Submissives in the
throes of a breakup with their dominant often ask me if I think the
pain of relationship breakup is different from "vanilla
relationship breakups and how they can make sense of the feelings of
horrific loss, confusion, anger and disorientation that they feel.
First of all, I think the dynamics of D/s relationships are very
different from "vanilla relationships. Different dynamics give rise
to different feelings about relationship loss. For the submissive
individual, the bond of relationship is everything. Being a bottom
offers fulfillment by enabling the submissive to feel merged with
another human being. The bond to the dom is an intense one, giving
meaning, value, fulfillment and a sense of identity through the
activities of serving and pleasing. For some dominants, however, an
intimate bond is harder to achieve, as he/she sometimes treats the
partner almost as a nonentity. A slave, after all, is a nonexistent
person to the dom in whose eyes the sub may have less and less to
offer. As a result, the dom often loses interest quickly and
consequently tends to want to change partners more frequently to
achieve the conquest of having a new slave (who sometimes is more of
an object than a person).
After all, it is control and
admiration that motivates many doms, rather than commitment to
growth, exploration and stability in one relationship. Being a
submissive often involves a certain disavowal of self. The self
ceases to be a decision-maker or a person capable of exerting
initiative while in the relationship. Moreover, the normal identity
of the individual is suspended in the process of serving the
dominant. Being submissive helps a person to make sense of his life
in certain ways: it answers the need for purpose in life, and for a
sense of efficacy or feeling that one does have control over one's
environment (through pleasing the dominant). The D/s relationship
also addresses the bottom's need for feeling that one's life and
actions are right and good. The dom's will is an end in itself, an
ultimate value for her/his slave.
The submissive also
receives a sense of self-worth from his/her relationship to her
master/mistress. People need to feel that they are important and
valuable. Serving is a way of receiving validation and approval by
one who is seen as perfect and omnipotent. And when the one who is
seen as perfect deems the submissive as unworthy, the emotional
result can be devastating.
The break up thus deprives the
submissive of the opportunity for feeling competent; undermines the
individual's self worth achieved through being a good slave to an
esteemed master; and reestablishes the submissive's (often unwanted)
necessity of making choices and taking responsibility from which
he/she was sheltered while in the relationship. Now, suddenly,
difficult judgments about what is right or wrong to do must be made
on one's own. The wishes and commands of the dominant partner have
been the ultimate source of rightness and goodness for the
masochist's feelings. The demands to make decisions, to accept
responsibility, to cope with pressure and crises, to prove of
identity is shaken by the breakup of a B&D relationship. For the
submissive, the correct course of action had always been to please,
satisfy and obey the dominant partner. The relationship to the
dominant partner thus had taken over as the major value base for the
submissive. Relationship is extremely important to submissives; more
so than to their dominant partners, and even more important than
sexual activities. All problems of right and wrong had been resolved
for the submissive and the anxiety and guilt and doubt that
accompany such moral dilemmas had been removed. The submissive
needed only submit and obey in delightful dependence.
Finally, the submissive gains a powerful and seemingly viable model
of fulfillment in the relationship. The submissive achieves the
utmost in intimacy by blending him or herself completely with the
partner's will. The submissive also derives strong sexual
satisfactions. Thus sexually, emotionally, and spiritually,
submission provides intense fulfillment. What happens when the
relationship is over? When the dom leaves, the ultimate source of
direction, feelings of competency, self-worth and meaning is gone.
The result can be psychologically devastating. Especially when it is
not her/his choice, the submissive feels frightened, angry,
confused, depressed and overwhelmed.
THE GRIEVING PERIOD
Dealing with relationship break-up is dealing with a phenomenon that
is a part of our common human heritage: loss. Especially if the
relationship was long-term and sometimes even when it wasn't, the
same mechanisms of mourning over that which is lost kick into place.
You may mourn the loss of your companion, your lover, your
protector, your provider. You may mourn no longer being a part of a
pair. And if your life has been lived entirely through your
dominant, and the person through whom you lived is no longer there,
you may mourn the shattering loss of a whole way of life. Some
submissives may mourn the loss of the purpose of their existence.
And some ñ who's sense of self was built upon the dom's approving,
validating presence, may find that they are also mourning the loss
of that self. Knowing what to expect in the mourning process may be
helpful in knowing that what you're experiencing is what most people
go through when they lose someone they love. Knowing that others
have gone through it is to know that you're not alone. How we mourn
will depend on our inner strengths and our outer supports and will
surely depend on our prior history of love and loss. Often a
relationship loss in the present kicks off feelings of unresolved
prior losses. Sometimes the loss of someone we love revives our
childhood fears of abandonment, the ancient anguish of being little
and left. Submissives, especially, who have always related to the
dominant as a parental authority figure, are often flooded with
intense feelings of fear, rage and abandonment that are residues
from childhood traumas..
Generally, the stages of grief are:
denial, anger, guilt, acceptance and adaptation. Some disbelief,
some denial is a common first reaction. Especially if you didn't see
the breakup coming, you may feel like you're in a numbed out state,
unable to comprehend what you're hearing. You may spend some time
thinking he/she doesn't/couldnít mean it, or thinking they'll come
to their senses sooner or later. As the reality sets in, anger is a
common next reaction. You hate him or her for abandoning you,
especially after you've invested so much of yourself in serving and
pleasing . Somehow, in your mind, pleasing them perfectly would
ensure that they would always protect and guide you. Now they've
betrayed the bond. You feel vulnerable, betrayed, enraged.
Often, guilt and self-recrimination take over. The dom, the ultimate
source of good judgment, knowledge and power, must have made the
right decision. You feel you must be unworthy. So, of course, you
blame yourself. What did I do to drive them away? Could I have been
a better slave? Did I not please them? Am I unworthy of their
attention? Did they leave for another slave? How is that person able
to please where I was not? These feelings are a normal part of this
type of relationship mourning. But, as there is an end to the
relationship, there is also an end to the grieving of the
relationship. You move your way from shock, denial, anger, and guilt
to the completion of the mourning. And although there still will be
times when you miss your master/mistress, completion means recovery,
acceptance and adaptation.
You'll recover your stability,
your energy, your hopefulness, your capacity to enjoy life and to
invest in other relationships. You'll accept that the relationship
is over ñ and be a wholer and wiser person for it. HELP FOR HEALING
If the process of recovering from the loss of your master/mistress
seems too awful to contemplate, I've included some tips to
recovering from the loss of a love to make the journey a bit
smoother.
The tendency will be to blame yourself, because,
after all, the dom is always right. Resist the temptation. Doms may
need new models for all sorts of their own reasons which my include,
believe it or not, their own shortcomings. So be very gentle with
yourself and kind, forgiving, tender. Accept that you have an
emotional wound, that it is debilitating, and that it will take a
while before you are completely well. And for heaven's sake, don't
blame yourself for any "mistakes" (real or imagined) that you think
brought you this loss. Get lots of rest, eat well, exercise,
remember to take deep breaths, meditate, under-indulge in addictive
substances (they retard the mourning process).
Go to your
support group (or discover one) and get lots of comfort from people
who have gone through similar scenes. People who have survived
similar losses can provide support and guidance ñ and are proof that
you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of
hugs. Don't forget to laugh. The telephone is a great tool for
support. Use it. The longing to serve may be overwhelming. Don't
make the mistake of getting into another situation until you have
completed this grieving process. The result could be "rebounds" and
you won't be making solid decisions. You don't want to create more
pain for yourself. Make sure that you're next relationship isn't a
reaction from the former one. Expect to feel afraid. You've been
abandoned. The bond, the tie that held you together has been
disrupted. You will fear being alone, fear that you'll never have
someone to serve again, fear the pain, the desolation and torment
that may lie ahead. But remember, fear can help you meet the
challenges of life ñ and it will pass. Embrace your feelings; its
OK to feel depressed, suicidal (feel, not act), angry, guilty,
desperate, alone, homicidal. There feelings are a natural part of
the healing process. They mean you've loved. And again, they will
pass.
When you can, forgive your dom. Don't do it for
him/her. Do it for your own peace of mind and the quality of your
future relationships. And finally, begin anew. Let go of the loss
and the pain, know that you are a stronger person, have the courage
to begin relating again, and know that you are a better person for
having loved.
Questions about
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