This will usually appeal to the women who are mature
enough to understand that intimacy is not physical...but mental
and emotional; who understands the difference between power and
strength, and is strong enough to be able to reveal to the right
man, her vulnerabilities, weakness, and insecurities, so he can
accept, cherish and protect them.
This should be a Dominant. Since he (assuming it
is a man that is the dominant, not always true) has the
power, he has responsibilities to the submissive. These
include giving her pleasure, knowing and doing what makes her
happy, prodding her to be her best, helping her reach HER goals
and dreams, etc. He does not try to shape her in his own
preconceived image of what she should be, but instead helps her
blossom into the complete and wonderful person that she is.
He knows what is her best, what she wants, what is best for her
because they have totally open and honest communications.
The Dominant should respect the sub's advice and point of
view, but the decision is his. This assumes the Dom makes
decision not based on ego or emotions, but logically figures out
what is the best decision. If the Dominant does
something that hurts the submissive, she should be able to
tell him in an informative manner, not an attacking manner.
The Dom will also tell the sub how he feels about her actions in
an non attacking manner. As I have often said, for the
relationship to work, both sides must respect the other to not
attack and also to trust enough not to assume an attack.
That right there, which is a form of a break down in
communication, is what causes the most problems in relationships.
The Dominant should be secure and strong enough to admit
when he makes mistake. Doms are not gods, they will make
mistakes, but once again if the basic assumption is that there is
respect and trust on both sides then the mistake will be an honest
one. Dominants control not by fear, but by building
desire in the submissive to obey. Essentially, Dominants
have the power and they use it to make the life of the submissive
more complete, happy, not to abuse them.
In reality the way it works is that the Dominant acts more
as a discussion leader then an arbitrary decision maker. By
leading the submissive through a balanced discussion, including
parts of the issue that the submissive may be unwilling to
face, then the submissive can make the right decision for herself.
Usually the Dominant, because he knows his submissive so
well (due to the open and honest relationship and the intense
intimacy that it brings), can often see things that the
submissive cannot or will not admit. Once the
submissive makes the decision, the Dominant supports
her, and possibly helps her stay "motivated" (many wonderful ways
of doing that) in implementing the decision.
The submissive should obey her Dom, and
strive to please him, essentially for one reason; because that is
what makes her happy (that assumes she trusts and respects him).
Notice what I said should be among the things that should please
the Dom, prodding her to be her best, helping her to reach HER
goals and dreams. Thus, she is motivated to do what she
should do by TWO reasons now. First it is what she wants to
do and because it will please her Dominant. Because there is
open communication (something I demand), if the sub has a problem
either what her Dominant says or anything else she tells
him, she should feel free in telling the Dominant her
opinion and thoughts, but trust in him to make a fair decision.
Most submissives start out with what could be called split
personalities, a somewhat dominant, commanding persona, and a
submissive, little girl persona which she hides. A good
Dominant first builds the environment where the
submissive can let out the hidden persona and feel safe doing
so. It enables the sub to explore her self and her desires
and fantasies. Because the Dominant accepts ALL of
the submissive, including the hidden persona (actually if they are
like me are attracted to that persona), she should gain strength
in her hidden persona, not look at it as a flaw or weakness.
This is the key to the D/s relationship, and that is
acceptance. In a battle of wills, you do not accept, you
fight to win. If someone exposes a weakness, you exploit it
for victory. Thus, both partners feel insecure because they
have a "secret" persona that one hides and feels threatened by.
The key to all of this, as it is in any relationship, is
communication both ways. The openness in a D/s
relationship is what is missing in most marriages. For
one thing, openness, by constantly expressing your thoughts and
feelings in a non attacking manner to a partner who is concerned
with them, builds intimacy of the mind. Mental intimacy is
much more powerful in bonding then physical intimacy. That
is why cyber/long distance relationships can be so intense and go
so fast, because all you do is communicate, with occasional
physical meetings. Mental intimacy also leads to Mind Sex.
Mind Sex is the ability to make the sub orgasm with NO physical
contact by anyone, including no masturbation. Just your
mind, her mind and his voice. It creates a new level of
intimacy.
Unfortunately in most relationships, because there is a battle of
wills, one does not want to open up completely for fear of giving
something that the other side can use against you. Thus as
the battle continues, communication and openness drops, and so
does the intimacy of the mind if it really ever existed.
People often confuse a D/s relationship with a controlling
one. My former in-laws have that. The man is a
controller, where he controls just to have control and is not
concerned really at all with his partner's welfare.
Generally the controller is so insecure that they have to
demonstrate their control over everything, thus they control by
using fear. (A Dominant builds desire to obey, not
fear.) The woman meekly obeys out of fear (no physical abuse
but some emotional abuse) and "for the good of the kids" even
though now the kids have gone. Her spirit has been broken
and she survives by doing things behind his back. Her
children have told her to leave him, but that is not the way of
her generation. Many think this is what is meant by being
submissive. It is not. I personally think in a
true complete relationship, both sides get back much more then
they put in, otherwise, why be in the relationship if you do not
benefit from it?
Bottom line, the D/s relationship is a circle where both
sides concentrate on meeting the needs and desires of the other
from their different roles. If one gets pleasure out of
pleasing a partner, and that is true of both sides, then the
relationship is built on one will, not two and the conflicts
(assuming as always, that you have picked the right partner) will
be minimal. The relationship will provide you the benefit of
having someone you can be TRULY (mentally) intimate with, and gain
strength that comes from exposing your perceived weaknesses and
having your weaknesses nurtured and cared for and turned into
strengths. It is not about control, it is about
communication and emotional intimacy.
The Paradox of D/s
The Dom paradox is the more the Dominant concentrates on
controlling, the less he will control. Therefore he needs to
concentrate on building desire for that is how he should control -
by desire to make the desire so strong that the sub will do
anything to please and obey have that desire met. The Dom
therefore has to meet the needs, desires, pleasures of the sub,
just like the sub is doing for the dom. ( A circle)
Therefore, the sub also has control, directly by saying no to the
relationship or using the safeword, or indirectly, by
communicating her needs, desires, pleasures whether by a groan, a
moan, a body reaction or words. (Another circle) Thus,
sub paradox is the more control she uses (communicates) the more
control she loses and the more control she loses the more freedom
she gains.
D/s Love
Many people define love as wanting something very strongly.
It can often include jealousy, desire, and lust - just the amount
of it determines whether it is love or not. I believe there
is only one kind of love for ALL types of relationship (romantic,
parental, friend, etc) - pure love.
Pure love is free of want, desire, lust, jealousy, for those are
separate emotions. Pure love is simply caring for someone to
the point where you want what is best for the other person.
Pure love means you put them at least as high, if not higher
priority then yourself. It means you give them or help them
achieve, what they NEED, not necessarily what they want.
(Putting their needs before their wants.) Pure love is
generally NOT enough to build a circular loving relationship, what
ALL of us NEED in our lives.
A circular loving relationship also must have intimacy, passion
(passion is a separate emotion from love), compatibility, faith,
trust, respect, communication and should be circular. Being
circular, means both partners focus on meeting the other partners
needs, wants, and desires, for that is what fulfills them and
makes them happy. Most marriages and relationships lack this
unfortunately. Men and women look at love differently.
Generally, women "love" (love means likes a lot, or desires alot,
makes them feel real good) the way a man makes them feel (a
totally emotional response) and men "love" the way the woman
fulfills the roles (wife, sex partner, maid, etc) he has in his
head (a totally logical response). But love in reality does
not exist because there is no intimacy and if you do not really
KNOW the person then how can you truly love them? Love is
most often defined in this situation as "excitement". The
relationship is exciting, new, fun, etc., and this gets confused
with love.
Pure love is based on WHO the person is, the character,
principles, personality; not on excitement. Love based on
excitement, dies when the excitement dies, which often happens
when children are brought into the relationship.
What women really want from a circular loving relationship is not
just to FEEL cherished (to be romanced), which often is just
manipulation and often just words, but to BE cherished which is
the everyday actions, taking the time of getting to know,
understand, and accept the person and taking the time to meet
someone's needs. What a man wants is for the woman to have
faith in him - complete and total faith (this assumes the man is
worthy of the faith).
This is why, in my opinion, D/s, in perfect submission
is the ultimate expression of love. For this is the circle
of love that D/s generates. If the woman gives such
absolute faith and trust in the man, so that she totally submits,
completely gives herself to him, and the man uses that power, that
"control" in the best interest of the sub, to meet HER needs,
desires and wants, then the woman has given the man the ultimate
level of faith, of love, and the man gives the woman the ultimate
level of cherishment, of love. The more faith the woman
gives, the better able the man is to cherish the woman, the more
the man cherishes the woman, the more faith she will have in him.
And so it feeds on each other, a circular relationship, that is
continually building, intensifying, deepening. This takes
two very strong people to do, but in such a relationship there
would be no doubt of the love between the two.
For you, for a submissive, a loving relationship and
D/s are intertwined, inseparable.
Revised: September 17, 2015