A submissives journey

Does a dominant ever not feel like being dominant? No, being dominant is part of ones personality, like being outgoing, a nature lover, or athletic, or masculine. Does a dominant ever want to temporarily alter the balance of power in his relationship? Yes, certainly.

There are times when all of us want or need a break from our responsibilities. Having a power exchange in a relationship is definitely a responsibility, one that must be tended to daily (unless your relationship is only one for play or scening), but there are certainly times when either Dom or sub may not feel comfortable with the amount of power (responsibility) they are carrying.

On any given day, a person must wear many hats and deal with many emotions, stresses (both internal and external), and challenges. It is perfectly natural that this person may find them self unable to meet the responsibilities of their power exchange for a specific and limited period of time (usually no more than a few hours unless one is dealing with a serious illness).

Being excused from performing one or all of your given tasks (or responsibilities) for a specified amount of time does not make you less submissive or less dominant, it simply means that you honor your humanity. No one can be "on" or "up" all of the time.

Everyone calls in to work at some point, everyone has days when she is just too tired to cook, everyone has moments when they simply don't want the responsibility of deciding what to have for dinner. We are all human beings first, with limits on our stores of energy. Being in a D/s relationship does not change these human limits, and honoring these limits does not make us less dom or sub.

In my opinion, this dispute is not about whether needing down time means you are not really dominant or submissive but rather - needing down time is an indicator of How Much power you need to have or give up in a relationship.

There are many dominant people in the world, but there are few doms (dominant people who NEED control in a relationship). Just as there are many passive people around, but few submissives (those who NEED to give up power in a relationship).

What distinguishes these two types of dominant people is that one group (the dom) needs and wants the responsibility of taking control of another person, whereas the other group (dominant people) would like to control things in the relationship but he doesn't NEED to control another person. Many people want control, but few are willing to take that much responsibility for another person.

Being the one in control carries with it the responsibility for knowing the best decision to make in all areas under his control (if one does not know the best decision to make, he researches all avenues until he is as informed as possible) and then acting on these decisions. These areas can include safety, sexuality, finances, emotional traumas, hotspots, and any other area he has control over.

People who are dominant in temperament may want their partner to satisfy their sexual desires first, be allowed to make decisions without argument, and have dinner served to them, but the vast majority are not willing to take the responsibility that comes with accepting this submission to their desires. These people are more concerned with whether they can be "up" adequately (take responsibility) than if they are allowed to have down time.

Unless one has accepted more power than he can responsibly handle, a dom (or sub) will have very little trouble being "up" or taking responsibility the vast majority of the time. There will only be certain times, under certain circumstances in which this will become difficult to do.

How often this will occur for any given person is determined by how much responsibility he has in the first place and how comfortable he is with this power (or lack of).

There is a wide range of areas to control as well as a range for the amount of control to have. Some of us want only a small range of control (i.e., sexuality) and only want control of this area for a temporary period of time.

Others want much more control (i.e., decision making, sexual control, financial responsibility, and service in all areas of life) and they want this control all of the time. One who needs less control in fewer areas naturally has more down time than one who needs more. It is easy to see how one who needs much more control may want occasional down time if life decides to hand him additional challenges in his life at some point.

By down time, I do not mean taking days or weeks off from being responsible for his submissive (or his tasks), I mean taking a few hours after a particularly difficult day to think of no one but himself. This is healthy, centering time and it can usually be taken within the parameters of the relationship, but at times life hands us more than we can process in the midst of things and we need a bit of time alone to work through it.

Asking your submissive to handle things for a few hours while you go for a walk, close your bedroom door, or veg in front of the TV does not make you less dominant than you were; and asking your dom if you can leave the dishes, take a long bath with the door locked, or take a nap does not make you less submissive. It simply means that life or nature has temporarily handed you more lemons than you can make into lemonade.

Do not commit yourself to accepting more responsibility (power) than you can comfortably handle. If you find yourself needing down time often, this is probably a sign that you have overextended yourself. Having more power in a relationship does not make you more dom. It is not a sign that you are higher on the pole or in the hierarchy of domhood (there is no such thing), it simply means that you need more control and are comfortable taking this much responsibility.

If you find that you are not comfortable with the amount of responsibility that you have, renegotiate with your submissive. Remember, this is not a contest and the one with the most extreme BDSM wins, this is your life and your happiness. Take what makes you and your submissive happy and discard the rest.

Having power means having responsibility. There is not a person living (or dead for that matter) who did not need, at some moment in his life, to take a short break from his responsibilities. This does not take away from his strengths or make him less than he was, it simply makes him human.

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