Sunday, June 5, 2011
Building your D/s Relationship
Class log 06-05-201
[CJsHere] 9:11 pm : okay,, and with that,, I guess it's time to get on with the show so to speak,
[CJsHere] 9:12 pm : okay,, as I recall, the last class we talked a bit about entering into a D/s relationship, some of the expectations along the way,,
[CJsHere] 9:14 pm : One of the things that we all seemed to agree on,, when you accept a collar,, essentially nothing in the relationship changes, since the "collaring" is essentially an ongoing process that you build up to..
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : each relationship is different, and there will be things unique to that relationship that others may, or may not do...
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : but, again, let's talk some generalties,, the average, or "norm" so to speak..
[CJsHere] 9:15 pm : first,, expect a Dominant to be in charge, to be the one that makes decisions in the relationship..
[CJsHere] 9:16 pm : ultimately, the Dominant is the one that will steer and guide the direction of the relationship,, but don't misunderstand that,,, it still takes two to tango... The Dominant is going to want your input,, that "communication" process..
[CJsHere] 9:17 pm : don't expect that every Dominant is going to micro-manage the entire relationship, dictate your every move, although yes, in some relationships that may be the case.
[CJsHere] 9:18 pm : Now to talk some specifics,, yes, all little things, but they all add up to form the big picture of what is expected..
[CJsHere] 9:18 pm : Some Dominants (many) will set a standard for clothing that is to be worn (or not worn) by the submissive,,
[CJsHere] 9:19 pm : for some, yes, this may be very specific,, ie., wear that today,, period... for others, it
may be more of a generality,, ie., the Dom expects you to wear dresses every day,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:20 pm : keep in mind not all Doms do this
[CJsHere] 9:20 pm : yes, I know, you all have heard the stories about the Doms that say,, no, you can't wear panties,,, or you have to wear see thru dresses,, or can't wear clothes any more period.. chuckles, for the "most part" those are online role play games,
[CJsHere] 9:21 pm : sure, there may be a Dom that says "no, you can't wear panties",, but when that is done, usually that's done at a specific time, for a specific reason,, and for those that don't think so,, hmm,,
now how does that work during that time of the month,, (just something to consider)
[CJsHere] 9:21 pm : nods in agreement with LC,, yes, as I pointed out,, "some Doms" . not all.
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:22 pm : or when kids are home
[Pavlov] 9:23 pm : Or she's feeling really ill
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm : as long as we're talking about panties,,, give it some thought,,, there are personal hygiene issues that come into play here,, in many situations, it can actually cause health issues or concerns
by not wearing panties,, for example, when wearing tight blue jeans,, no panties, you might find some issues with yeast infections or skin irritation.
[CJsHere] 9:23 pm : so, so much for the theory that a sub/slave will never again wear panties,,
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm : and yes, I know, that's but one example,, you may hear others about bras, slips, skirts, shorts, you name it,, again, if the Dom is making these decisions, I'd hope and assume He was making them for specific times, specific occasions, and not just a flat out this is how it's gonna be rule.
[CJsHere] 9:25 pm : another very common thing for the Dom to step up to the plate and take charge of is the girls schedule..
[CJsHere] 9:26 pm : again, this is not the case for every Dom,,, or every situation,,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:26 pm : at all times the Dom must be cognizant of the surroundings
[CJsHere] 9:26 pm : but, the Dom may dicatate a time the girl will get up, a time for her to go to bed.. He may establish meal times, or times to do household chores,, and yes, it may even include a time for you to go to work,,
[CJsHere] 9:28 pm : again, in establishing that schedule, more than likely, that schedule will include some "personal time" for the girl,, time for her to relax a bit, maybe read a book, write a letter, meditate, or just attend to personal issues,, maybe even shopping,,
[CJsHere] 9:28 pm : shopping, did I really say that? hmm, all the Dom's will be after Me now.
[JP Dominic] 9:29 pm : maybe shopping for the Dom
[CJsHere] 9:29 pm : and yes, some of that time may be tied into her actions,, ie., if she misbehaves, maybe she won't end up with that shopping time today,
[vanity fair] 9:29 pm : heeeeeheee
[manda] 9:29 pm : hahaha
[subkat4] 9:29 pm : uh, ohhhhh
[CJsHere] 9:30 pm : conversely, maybe if she does all that is expected of her, she'll end up with additional free or personal time,
[CJsHere] 9:31 pm : The Dominant may establish guidelines (or rules/protocols) of how the house is to be kept, for example, it may be something as detailed as to how He expects the towels and linen to be folded and placed in the cabinet,
[CJsHere] 9:32 pm : or it might be as general and vague as,, Saturday is house cleaning day, I want it done..... and yes, if you've got a doubt as to what is expected by your Dom, be sure to ask for clarification..
[CJsHere] 9:32 pm : and yes, again, depending on the relationship, there are some Dom's that will simply say, the house is yours to take care of,, make it so.
[CJsHere] 9:34 pm : the Dom may establish protocols, or rituals of how and when things should be done,, for example, He may establish, 11:00pm is bed time,, you are to go into the bedroom first, dress (or undress) for bed, turn the blankets down,, and wait for Him,
[CJsHere] 9:35 pm : the rituals or procedures may include things such as how/when to prepare and serve meals,, to lay out his clothing, who knows, maybe even warm up the car in the winter,,
[CJsHere] 9:36 pm : again, these are things that the communication process will draw out,, and they are things that are based on the unique requirements and needs of your individual relationships.
[subkat4] 9:36 pm : ...this all 'assumes' a 24/7 relationship
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : nods, yes, it primarily assumes a 24/7 r/l relationship, but oh wait, think about it,, yes, these things can also be tailored to, or adapted to an online or long distance relationship,,
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : perhaps the specifics will change, but the ideas or concepts are still the same,,
[CJsHere] 9:37 pm : make sense?
[rowan-oak] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[manda] 9:38 pm : Yes Sir CJ
[brandy] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[vanity fair] 9:38 pm : *nods*
[fire_AsjFG] 9:38 pm : yes Master... maybe not starting the car... but many of the other things can be done online..or L/D
[twinkle] 9:38 pm : yes Sir CJ
[brandy] 9:38 pm : L/D ?
[laynie_MBS] 9:38 pm : yes Sir
[fire_AsjFG] 9:39 pm : long distance...brandy
[CJsHere] 9:40 pm : again, remember, the uniqueness of your particular relationship will determine all of these things,, none of these things are cast in stone to apply to every realtionship,, heck, some may not even have a car.
[CJsHere] 9:41 pm : relationships, just like those in them are unique,
[CJsHere] 9:42 pm : If you get bored, check out some of the articles and chat logs here on the Asj site regarding the subject of doing chores.
[CJsHere] 9:43 pm : there are many that think that it's the submissives responsibility to do essentially everything in the relationship while the Dom sits on the couch and watches t&a as you prance back in forth in front of Him as He watches the football game,
[CJsHere] 9:43 pm : that isn't quite reality,,,, sure, the girl may have some tasks,, and yes, you may even be a slave,, but come on,, reality check,,,
[CJsHere] 9:45 pm : have I stirred up any questions or comments yet?
[JP Dominic] 9:46 pm : how much if any of this should be in writing?
[brandy] 9:47 pm : that is "part " of the communication process, i would think..
[CJsHere] 9:47 pm : hmm,, that's hard to answer, on the one hand, I want to say, the more you commit to writing, the less chance you'll have of "forgetting" something, or "misunderstanding",,, but again, reality here, somethings may be common sense,, and again, how much are you micromanaging the relationship.
[brandy] 9:47 pm : if it needs to be in writing so she does not forgett, until the task become routine..
[stargazer] 9:47 pm : it depends how "forgetful" your girl is Sir
[CJsHere] 9:47 pm : nods to star, or, as the case may be, how forgetful the Dom is,
[fire_AsjFG] 9:48 pm : lol
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : again, reality check here,
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : so, in writing solves that forgetful dilema.
[manda] 9:48 pm : sticky note pads lol help
[fire_AsjFG] 9:48 pm : are W/we talking notes on the fridge here... or contracts?
[CJsHere] 9:48 pm : it could be either fire.
[JP Dominic] 9:49 pm : I was thinking more along the line of written protocols
[vanity fair] 9:49 pm : a contract sounds good to me
[stargazer] 9:49 pm : a chores list would make sense to me
[manda] 9:49 pm : yeah me too
[brandy] 9:49 pm : a contract over housework , to me, is maid service..
[manda] 9:49 pm : chores a list would be nice
[manda] 9:49 pm : lol brandy
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:49 pm : lol brandy - i agree with you there
[CJsHere] 9:49 pm : and there are some examples, if you explore the Asj site a bit,, in the chores directory, there are some samples of how to really spell out a chore, some girls/Dominants may want or need that kind of detail, again, others only generalities.
[brandy] 9:50 pm : a list is o.k...until things are done to E/each O/others satisfaction..
[manda] 9:50 pm : i agree with van and brandy
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:50 pm : as i've said from time to time, i'm not your maid, i'm not your nanny and i'm not your mother
[manda] 9:50 pm : i agree with trace
[CJsHere] 9:50 pm : in MOST cases (again, probably not all), please remember,, taking a collar doesn't equate to suddenly finding a sugar daddy.
[vanity fair] 9:51 pm : heehee nice trace and very much sums up the essentials
[brandy] 9:51 pm : tY trace..
[JP Dominic] 9:51 pm : maid, sub hmmmm...interesting association (as the sub's hog pile on this Dom)
[brandy] 9:52 pm : a Dom is not a "meal-ticket"..so there..
[CJsHere] 9:52 pm : and while trace's comment is perfectly valid for her relationship, and I'm sure many others, there are relationships that becoming the sub/slave is exactly that,, becoming the maid,, again, those things need to be spelled out,,, and yes, that is perfectly okay as some girls seek nothing more than
[Pavlov] 9:52 pm : brandy another sub might be happy in that role
[brandy] 9:53 pm : o.k., then if she is happy..so be it..
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:54 pm : that's true Sir CJ - every relationship is different and there may be subs who thrive on household chores and need that strict structure and may need to act as her Dom's "mother" and/or be a nanny to Him and/or His kids - for me, not so much
[CJsHere] 9:54 pm : what about the "s" word,, where does that fit in,, sex.
[manda] 9:54 pm : i agree with Sir CJ
[Pavlov] 9:54 pm : wherever we can
[fire_AsjFG] 9:54 pm : anywhere...and everywere..
fire_AsjFG ducks again...
[traceoffyre_LC] 9:55 pm : lol fire - and every which way
[CJsHere] 9:55 pm : first, let's get it straight,, no, sex is not a requirement for a D/s relationship,,, although the reality, for "most" adult D/s relationships, yes, it is a component,
[curious] 9:55 pm : again that is negotiated
[Pavlov] 9:55 pm : true curious
[CJsHere] 9:56 pm : yes, the couple involved should/will establish their limits or boundaries,, and yes, both the Dom and the sub should consider the sexual needs, desires and yes, even fantasies of their partner.
[JP Dominic] 9:57 pm : sex is one place for sure a sub needs to tell her Dom where the boundaries are; I think Dom's nature is to have no boundaries when it comes to sex
[curious] 9:57 pm : do you really believe a Dom's nature is to have no boundaries?
[CJsHere] 9:57 pm : many would think that JP, but in reality, in many cases, you'll find the Dom actually has stricter limits than the sub
[vanity fair] 9:57 pm : i dont
[Pavlov] 9:57 pm : no
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:58 pm : I agree CJ.... some Doms have stricter limits than subs
[JP Dominic] 9:58 pm : example of a strict limit?
[CJsHere] 9:58 pm : again, with both the Dom and the sub,, each needs to be acutely aware of the other,
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : lol. example JP,, that will vary from couple to couple,, I may enjoy something you abhor, and vice versa,
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 9:59 pm : certain times.... places..... positions etc JP
[Pavlov] 9:59 pm : This weekend I introduced my best friend also a Master to a slave friend of mine. She likes her tits nailed to a board, My friend refused to play with her because of that extreme
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : and strict, hmm, what is strict for one, may be lax to another,
[CJsHere] 9:59 pm : I'll pass on the carpentry lessons Myself,
[Pavlov] 10:00 pm : LOL
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:00 pm : that's got a hurt
[CJsHere] 10:00 pm : but to each their own, I guess,, (ugh)
Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:00 pm : I like tits too much to nail them to a board\
[stargazer] 10:00 pm : speachless
[Pavlov] 10:00 pm : Amen to that.
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:00 pm : lol my Lord
[curious] 10:00 pm : lol Sir LC
[vanity fair] 10:00 pm : Amen, indeed
[JP Dominic] 10:01 pm : what about a Dom's requirrement for sex on demand?
[CJsHere] 10:01 pm : which is a natural lead into BDSM,, what about BDSM involvement,, is that something the sub should expect?
[curious] 10:02 pm : Sir, doesn't that also depend on the relationshi & what has been agreed to?
[laynie_MBS] 10:02 pm : it is for this sub lol but again that must be negociated
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:02 pm : that would be talked about before
[fire_AsjFG] 10:02 pm : expect?... W/we already said... it isn't something in D/s... but can be...so it will be discussed
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:02 pm : agrees with laynie
[CJsHere] 10:02 pm : lol.. speaking as a horney Dom JP, sex on demand sounds good,,,, but again, better consider reality in those demands,
[manda] 10:02 pm : lol
[Pavlov] 10:03 pm : There's a lot of stuff going on with my girl, she's asked once in a while for a no toy weekend. She still serves me very well and we have a lot of fun, just no toys.
[littlegirlRR] 10:03 pm : hehehe
[CJsHere] 10:03 pm : as long as reality is taken into account, I see nothing wrong with sex on demand, IF that was what was negotiated in the relationship.
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:04 pm : I agree CJ
[CJsHere] 10:04 pm : as to BDSM,, again, nothing says BDSM must be a part of every D/s relationship,, but again, to one extent or another, I think in most adult BDSM relationships you'll find at least some form of BDSM included, perhaps not to the extreme of using nails,,, but,,
[fire_AsjFG] 10:05 pm : remember... we girls are human...
[CJsHere] 10:05 pm : again, remember there are many things in BDSM that are also quite commonly found in the plain ol vanilla bedroom,
[CJsHere] 10:05 pm : BDSM isn't all whips, chains and hammer and nails.
[Pavlov] 10:05 pm : lol
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:05 pm : perks at whips
[vanity fair] 10:05 pm : oh my
[laynie_MBS] 10:06 pm : completly
[littlegirlRR] 10:06 pm : their is much more to it
[laynie_MBS] 10:07 pm : whips are good but there is a lot more than that
[manda] 10:07 pm : i take good old spanking lol
[CJsHere] 10:07 pm : whips, taws, floggers, canes, paddles, crops, cat-O-nines, again, lots and lots of things you can use,, use what works for you,,
[laynie_MBS] 10:07 pm : its all good manda
[CJsHere] 10:08 pm : okay, questions or comments so far?
[JP Dominic] 10:08 pm : speaking of a paddling, how but sex on demand or a paddling...she gets to negotatiate.
[CJsHere] 10:09 pm : it seems to Me we've covered a variety of things, but they all seem to have somethings in common, anyone care to guess what they are?
[Curious6] 10:09 pm : who doesn't sex on demand?
[curious] 10:09 pm : communication, negotiation?
[manda] 10:10 pm : pleasure and pain
[Pavlov] 10:10 pm : communication
[JP Dominic] 10:10 pm : I agree, communication
[fire_AsjFG] 10:10 pm : the big *C*
[CJsHere] 10:10 pm : nods, communication,, and yes, negotiation, just like everything else in establishing and maintaining a strong, lasting D/s relationship, these things play an important role.
[CJsHere] 10:10 pm : anything else that seems common to all we've talked about?
[curious] 10:11 pm : respecy
[curious] 10:11 pm : respecty
[manda] 10:11 pm : trust
[curious] 10:11 pm : can't type respect
[CJsHere] 10:11 pm : chuckles.
[twinkle] 10:11 pm : note: learn big "C"
fire_AsjFG winks at the twink
[twinkle] 10:11 pm : smiles to fire
[CJsHere] 10:12 pm : I think the other biggie that stands out,,, what works for one, or is right for one, may not be right for you.. your relationship is exactly that, your relationship,, treat it as such, it's unique,, and that's okay.
[fire_AsjFG] 10:12 pm : there is no One size fits A/all
[traceoffyre_LC] 10:12 pm : nods - everyone is different
[JP Dominic] 10:12 pm : so the other thing isthe big "U" for unique?
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:12 pm : I agree CJ
[laynie_MBS] 10:13 pm : very true
[CJsHere] 10:13 pm : just because you have limits,, needs, wants, desires, that doesn't mean you have to find or accept a relationship partner that won't honor those things,
[manda] 10:13 pm : yes Sir
[CJsHere] 10:13 pm : you don't have to just accept things "cause that is the way it is"..
[curious] 10:13 pm : and because each party is unique there will be a need for communication, negotiation and sometimes compromise
[vanity fair] 10:14 pm : plenty of the compromising stuff curi lol
[manda] 10:14 pm : agrees with curious
[CJsHere] 10:14 pm : Dom's, anything You'd like to add to what we've talked about so far?
[CJsHere] 10:15 pm : fire,, anything to add. ?
[fire_AsjFG] 10:15 pm : no thank You Master...
[brandy] 10:15 pm : as i have said before and i will say it again..the vanillas could learn a thing ot two from the "alternates"..
[Lord-Canuck_tf] 10:16 pm : compromise sometimes is a must in every D/s relationship
[laynie_MBS] 10:16 pm : no thank You Sir
[stargazer] 10:16 pm : no Sir CJ, thank You
[brandy] 10:16 pm : wonderful class, as always....tY SIr..
[curious] 10:16 pm : thank you Sir LC
[dreamtheirsleep] 10:16 pm : no thank You Sir CJ
[littlegirlRR] 10:16 pm : agrees with Sir LC
[manda] 10:16 pm : great class Sir CJ