We are all called to a path in which to travel. As we take this road it is hoped we will experience, learn and grow. For the most part this is not only an ideal but a constant of humanity. Over 22 years as a Dom and Top I have learned, made mistakes and changed philosophies. I went from being a baby Dom to hopefully a more mature one. But, sadly along the way, a few "submissives" paid the price for my education. This is nothing new in life merely a truth, but no less regrettable. To those sub's whom I may have hurt in some way, I do so apologize.
When I was an infant Dominant. (High School)
When I was just starting out and was in what I call infant Dom-hood, Dominance and sex were irrevocably linked. I can say honestly, in my mind the two went hand in hand. Fortunately, I was never one of those "on your knees bitch suck my cock" types. During those years I was enlightened enough not to think being a Master meant getting a blowjob whenever I wanted. Yet like most newbie Dom / Dommes I succumbed to the intoxication of my new found pleasure area. At that stage of my life, all submissives were at best weak and at worst our playthings to enjoy. After all, submissives needed us Doms in order for them to exist.
When I was a young Dominant (Associates Level)
I believed the measure of one's Dom-hood was the number of subs a Dominant had. My thoughts about Dom-hood often began with; "A true Dominant is..." Like many, I sought to prove my power by the size of my stable. In those days, a young Dominant believes the more the merrier and the greater his/her power. After all, you must be a great Dom if you have 3 or more subs or slaves. Often this is the stage where we espouse the "submission is a gift" philosophy. We are still full of ourselves and by calling it a gift we perpetuate our ego feeding. For one must be "a true Dominant" if I have 5 subs offering up the "gift of submission". This being the case no wonder so many Dominants never grow beyond this stage and frankly why should they. It was during this time I saw little difference between the "sub" and the "slave". I still thought 24/7 D/s was possible, that all things being as we fantasized Doms would always be Doms and subs would always submit.
When I was an adolescent Dominant (Bachelor level)
Over the years I have also observed this is the highest level some "players"will ever achieve. There comes a point of separation between "the player" and"the Lifestyler"; from my perspective it is at this level the split becomes most obvious
Over the years I have also observed this is the highest level some "players"will ever achieve. There comes a point of separation between "the player" and"the Lifestyler"; from my perspective it is at this level the split becomes most obvious.
For the player this is still just about "kinky sex" and more interesting ways to "get off" except now they have become more sophisticated about achieving this goal. I do believe however, it is here many players become aware of the fact their "could be" more. But so few ever get beyond this point to ask the next important question. "Is there more ... and how do I find it?" In a relationship with a "young Dominant Player", sub/slave at first finds it is all one could ever dream. Yet, over time with the player, the D/s takes a back seat, as more conventional aspects begin to creep into the relationship. Suddenly one day the Dom or the sub/slave wakes up and realizes their D/s relationship has turned "vanilla" with occasional weekend D/s et al. This is not to say it does not happen to "Lifestylers" as well, it does but with a slightly different nuance.
At this stage, I learned for myself that 24/7 D/s as it is fantasized doesn't exist except for the very rich. Otherwise, you have life, work, bills and in many relationships.. children. For the working class lifestyler the nature of their D/s relationship changes to fit their life circumstance. Be it stolen moments during the day or to when the kids go to bed. But unlike the player, it IS generally always there (a mind set) just beneath the surface, waiting for but a moment's opportunity as opposed to "only weekends".
At this point along the path, there are lifestylers who believe they know it all and a sub/slave has little or nothing to teach them. Many are still very physical and demonstrate this by their great prowess with a flogger, whip, edge play or their knowledge of "protocol" chapter and verse. In short, still very external or "toy bag" and equipment dependent.
When I was an adult Dominant (Master's Level)
I came to feel submission to be less of a gift and more of a "fact" of being, whether you were sub or slave. You need to submit therefore you "are" and no less for being so. The questions also changed. I no longer asked, "Is there more?" For now, I could see the mountain once obscured by clouds before me. Instead, I began to ask "What is it and how do I get there?"
Yet, somehow other questions begin to bubble to the surface, " is this all there is?"
About this time, I discovered I had less interest in "subs" and more interest in "slaves". A slave requires A LOT more care and attention than a sub. Therefore, in my view a slave is NOT for the young DOM. A "natural" slave must be treasured and protected. For they have the capacity to surrender so completely that in many cases, there can be loss of self. Although, let me point out I have also seen "natural" slaves through their complete submission, find their sense of self as well.
Whether submissive or slave I learned it is my duty to take them, possess them and guide them to their best potential. Part of my job, as a Dominant is to help the sub/slave be the best they can be and to grow in ways they never dreamed of.
(Doctorate level studies)
Whether or not I am now a mature Dominant only time will tell but I'd like to think my philosophies have come of age. I no longer link sex and Dominance, for Dominance is about control.
As I have written in the past:,
"A Dominants power comes from within not from the end of a flogger. If you are not in control of yourself, then how can you be in control of someone else ?"
This control can be manifested in many ways, sex and sexual acts being one of them, but you can be a Dom and NOT have sex. Submissives come in many flavors, some are weak and some are strong. Strong or weak has little to do with BDSM and everything to do with who they are. Incidentally, some of the strongest souls I have met have been submissives. Submission is a natural part of the human existence, like YIN and YANG,light and dark. It is NOT so much a gift, but just is... a part of nature. In time, I realized your stable doesn't measure your Dom-hood. For in my view anything more than two subs, isNOTwise overall. You maybe Doming them, but you are probably not doing it well. To divide your essential energies, in more then two directions leads to eventual burn out or failure. In the end, you have several unhappy and unfulfilled subs/slaves. To call yourself a Dom is easy; to be an effective one, there lay the challenge.
To be able to call yourself a slave you should have virtually no limits, for as your Dom I can do with you as I please, use you or have you "used" as I see fit. The submissive has similar yet different needs. A sub has negotiated limits; they can, from the beginning, determine their depth of surrender. If things get too intense they can "safe out" and bring an end to the scene, where a slave cannot.
Time has taught me, a sub/slave can also lead. Even though they are a sub/slave and submit to their DOM. that is a reflection of who they are and NOT what they can do. You may be my slave, but you are also mother, Lawyer, Doctor or police officer, (even when you are wearing your Masters butt plug while at work *smile*). In the modern world of D/s, you are sub/slave to me, but competent and in control in other areas of your life or those I grant you. I love the saying, 'I'm submissive NOT stupid'.
These are some of the lessons I have learned as I have walked my path. Some questions along the way have been answered, to then only to be replaced by new ones. This I suppose is as it should be. Yet in the end I can't help wonder about one of the greater truths of (24/7 D/s) what we do.
Is it a vanilla relationship with elements of D/s.. or a D/s relationship with merely elements of vanilla?
Posted here with permission of the author