Punishment in a D/s Relationship

 

Punishment is not about rape, abuse, or degradation. If you don't care about your submissive's pleasure and well-being then domination and submission (D/s)  is not for you. People who consciously play with power exchange relationships tend to spend a lot more time talking about their likes and dislikes than couples who restrict their lifestyle to scenes. If you are the Dominant in your relationship it is your duty to deal out punishment for the well-being of your submissive and your relationship. Punishment is carried out by the Dominant and accepted by the submissive because of the trust the submissive has for the Dominant. Your submissive will not always use their best judgment and it is then that they look to you for guidance. It is not only the Dominant's right, but it is their duty to deal out punishment to the submissive when it is called for.

What you use for punishment depends on your relationship and your submissive's likes and dislikes. katrina loves to be spanked and at times tries to push my buttons, egging me on to spank her. For us spanking would never be a punishment. I have a small leather flogger made from thin strands of leather. The leather bites when it kisses. katrina does not care for the immediate intense pain this can bring so it is my chosen method of punishment. It takes the body a good twenty minutes to start producing its natural painkilling endorphins. (Remember this and go slow when doing a scene). Therefore you want punishment to be swift, not extending it out for hours.

The ultimate goal of punishment is not the pain, but to create a state of surrender and allow the submissive to yield to your authority. Do not use punishment to exert your authority. Since you want the submissive to yield to you the method of punishment could be spanking, whipping, assignments and discussing them, performing duties to later show your lesson, or humiliation. Each person responds differently and will yield to your authority by different means.

 

What will you punish for?

 

Your submissive offers them self to you not only to own, cherish, and love, but to train and teach them your specific needs and the needs of your relationship. This is something that should be discussed early in your relationship. Punishment should never be a surprise. The submissive should have crossed a boundary that you both set in advance if they are to be punished for crossing it. katrina knows that I will only punish for two things. First is if she does anything detrimental to our relationship. This is a broad statement and it is only through discussions that she knows me and what limits she is to not exceed. The second thing she can be punished for is anything that will degrade her self-esteem. Self-esteem is the worth of the gift that your submissive offers you and is a reflection on you. If the submissive is lowering their self worth, (cutting themselves down), are they not sitting in judgment on the Master, saying that your values are not what they should be?

When you must punish your submissive do not do so blindly. The punishment is to teach them a lesson as they yield to your authority. Always let your submissive know what they have done wrong and they will be punished for it. Just letting them know this will put them in the right frame of mind to receive the reminder of your authority and power they have given to you.

Make your submissive take an active part in the punishment. After letting them know that punishment is forthcoming ask them to bring you the "toy" that will carry out the punishment. It is only when I ask katrina to bring me my whip, and as I see her expressions as she does so, do I realize she has accepted that she deserves the punishment.

Although punishment should not be put off, ("wait until tomorrow when.... " or it is Saturday night and you say "last Tuesday you....."), it should not be so swift that you can not discuss what occurred. After katrina has handed me my whip we will discuss what happened and why she is being punished. It is during this discussion that I can see what happened through her eyes and know to what degree she is responsible. (Believe me, during this time the Dominant will hear every "i" that was not dotted and every "t" that was not crossed when you talked before and therefore it is their fault and the submissive really should not be punished.) After listening to her story I will explain why it was wrong and how I expect her to act or what I expect her to do in the future if it ever happens again. I then decide how many strokes she will yield to as she thinks about the lesson I am to reinforce. The one exception that must be noted regarding swift punishment is never punish if you are angry. Talk it out or sit by yourself and think about it until the anger subsides.

After you tell your submissive what the penalty is to be, ask them to bend over. I do not believe in using restraints when dealing out punishment because the submissive is to yield to your authority during the punishment on their own free will. Also, when they bend over they should bare their ass to you, showing they are not only willing to accept the punishment but trust you love them enough to let you guide them.

The last thing I do before administering the punishment is to have katrina repeat what she is being punished for. Good communication is vital here. If they "sort of" say the right thing but not exactly what you told them it is up to you, the Dominant, to again state what they did wrong and what is expected in the future. Only when the Dominant is sure that the lesson will be learned should punishment begin.

Have your submissive count the strokes out loud, followed by an apology for what they did. ("I am sorry for....."). The first stroke should be hard and unexpected. Continue in this manner increasing the strength of each stroke. Listen to your submissive as they count and apologize. Let there voice guide you and do not cross the boundary to abuse. If you hear the voice turn from love to one with hate stop what you are doing and open discussion again.

After you have completed the punishment have your submissive thank you for loving her enough to correct them. One last thing. HOLD THEM. Let your submissive feel the care and love you have for them. You have told them you are punishing them out of love so now let them feel it. Separate what they did from who they are. Let them know that you did not like what they did and that it displeased you, but that you DO love them.

 

Now let it go. If you did your job correctly the submissive will have submitted to your authority and has learned a valuable lesson. Do not bring it up again. Forget about what happened and put it in the past, loving and trusting your submissive to act different in the future. If you can not do this you are not punishing correctly.

In closing I would like to leave this thought with the submissives. Pain and suffering are a part of relationships. (Vanilla and D/s). Nothing in life is free and sometimes knowing how much your Dominant cares for you and your relationship is paid for through punishment. Your Master punishes you because of his love for you. Crave to be punished by your Master for it is what separates us from the vanilla lifestyle and deepens our relationships. It is only through the experience of pain that you will continue to walk as one.