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Advice for the
I've put together a list of what I consider
to be essential thoughts. These are in no particular order and it's
1) The only rule is: Do Not Harm. This means
mentally or physically. Any other rules you choose to accept you get
to thoroughly own.
2) There is not a rule book that has been distributed
to everyone else and missed you. Anybody who tells you how the dominant
submissive lifestyle is done is
blowing smoke up your butt. There are as many variations to this lifestyle
as there are people in this world. You do not have to accept someone
else's version of this lifestyle.
3) Before you are contracted or
collared to someone, you make your own decisions. It is perfectly okay to
not do what a Dominant tells you to before you are collared or contracted
to that Dominant. Matter of fact, I would recommend not obeying every
schmuck that comes along calling himself a Dominant. Find out for yourself
if he's a Dominant, and then obey if you are so inclined.
4) Before you
contract to a Dominant or become collared by a Dominant: NEGOTIATE! This
is your time to lay out your hard limits along with yours and his
expectations about the relationship. If your expectation is that it will
be a monogamous relationship and his expectation is for it to be an open
or poly relationship it's best to find out before you commit. This is also
a good time to ask questions like: A) What happens if I get pregnant? B)
What happens if I move across the country for you, quit my job for you and
you release me, abuse me, or make me so miserable I want to cut my heart
out with a plastic spoon? C) Are we having unprotected sex and if so, may
I see the certificate from the doctor regarding your HIV and STD tests?
Put all this writing and both of you sign it. It won't mean squat in a
court of law, but it will cover your butt in the case of arguments.
Safety, Safety. Dead subsmissives don't serve. Use your head. If a
Dominant is about to do something to you that can cause you harm, speak up
and possibly get out. There are a lot of inexperienced players out there
that believe the Sleeping Beauty Books are real.
6) There will
be a lot of people proclaiming that they are Dominants and Masters to you.
Some of them are wonderful, incredible people, some are full of crap, some
of them are looking for easy sex, and some of them are down right
delusional. Understand that actions will always speak louder than words. I
can proclaim myself the Queen of the United States and then demand that
all of you send me your taxes so I can quit my job and build a 1600sf
$5million house in Laguna Beach, but you're not going to do it, right? Be
aware that there are people that search out novices because they know that
they can take advantage of you.
7) There is always someone out
there that will appreciate what you bring to the table. Don't change who
you are to suit somebody else, simply because they say so. Men out number
women in the scene 3 to 1. So, there are a lot of fish in the sea. Don't
settle for someone that doesn't fit you.
8) There is a difference between domineering and
Dominant. Webster's Dictionary says: Dominant - ruling or prevailing,
Domineering - harsh, arrogant, tyrannizing, overbearing. Dominants
shouldn't feel the need to be bullies. If someone does act that way...run
9) Get yourself
a mentor. Mentors DO NOT play or have sexual relations with the submissive
they are mentoring. Mentors are there to teach protocol, to protect and to
guide. This means you should get a mentor in your own community, not some
online guy half way around the world. The reason is simple; if my Master
were your mentor and you came to him and said, "I have been asked to play
by Dom XXXX." Master would tell you no. Why? Because the guy has put at
least 2 women in the hospital and was actually taken to court by an
ex-submissive. We know this because we live in the same geographic area as
Dom XXXX. Some guy in Chicago would not know this.
10) You do not
have to call every Dominant "Sir" or "Master". If you want to call
every Dominant "Sir" then do it. If you don't, then don't do it.
11) There are
people that will tell you that you're not submissive. Many will do it
in hopes that they can goad you into doing what they want in your effort to
prove that you are submissive. Bottom line, until they've met you face to
face...it's just cyberspace.
12) We're in this lifestyle because it makes us
happy. If you take it too seriously, you will take all the fun out of it.
Have a sense of humor.
When it comes to meeting Dominants:
1) Meet on your turf. Some place
you're familiar with, in public with a well lit parking lot. I usually
made it coffee at the local coffeehouse or drinks at a bar where
conversations were possible. I would NEVER EVER meet somebody at a hotel
or their home. I didn't do dinners because a) it's not easy to extricate
yourself if it's going miserably and b) sometimes people that buy dinner
think they've bought you.
2) Never get into his car, even at the end of the
evening. I also wouldn't recommend allowing him to walk you to your car. A
string of rapes happened in the LA community where the "Dom" pushed the
submissive into either his car or her car.
3) Get caller ID blocking on your
phone and you call him. Preferably on his home phone number. I generally
would not continue with anyone that refused to give me their home phone or
lied about whether the number they gave me was their home phone. You can
check to see if it's a cell phone by using Reverse Directory. It will tell
you if a phone number is assigned to a cell phone company.
whatever you want and are comfortable in. Until you are contracted or
collared to that Dominant what you wear is your choice. I used to make a
point of wearing either jeans or my business clothes to the first meeting.
I did this because these pieces of clothing reflect who I am, if he can't
accept that, then he's obviously not the person for me.
5) Be wary of
people that start conversation off with: "Are you submissive?" " How large
are your breasts?" "Do you like anal sex?" "What are your limits?" My
general rule of thumb is that if the first thing they ask me is about sex
or my submission, they're more interested in what I am, versus who I am.
Anybody who focuses purely on the sexual part of your life will most
likely only be there for the sex. If this is all you're looking for,
fantastic. But, if you're looking for long term, this most likely is not
the person for you.
6) I always made
it perfectly clear that there would be no sex or S&M on the first meeting.
In fact, there probably wouldn't be sex or S&M for the 3 to 5 dates. This
is the stage where I'm still determining if I even like them, never mind
trust them with my life. If a Dominant was unwilling to wait until I was
comfortable, I wouldn't meet them. After all, I like to think I'm worth
7) Have a safe call. But, I do it
differently than most. I usually told my meetings that I had an hour or so
to meet them, and then I had plans with friends. After an hour was up, I
would call a friend that I had made arrangements with. At that point, I
would either tell her that I was on my way or was running a little late
and would call when I left. The deal was that "a little late" was 30
minutes. If she did not hear from me 30 minutes later she was to call my
cell phone. If I was in trouble I answered with a pre-arranged sentence.
8) Use common
sense. The same idiosyncrasies exist in the Dominant submissive BDSM realm as the vanilla
realm. This means that if you act like a one night stand, you probably
will be a one night stand. If you cry to everyone about how he used you
and never called again....some submissives will try to comfort you, some submissives
will wonder what the hell you expected and some Dominants will send you tons of
email because you're obviously easy.
9) I really don't recommend
quitting your job and moving across the country to become someone's live
in 24/7 slave/submissive without a concrete plan on how to extricate
yourself in case it doesn't work out. Think about how difficult it would
be to get out of that situation with no money and no support network.
believe that the absolute best way to meet people is to be active in your
local BDSM or Dominant submissive group. Attend munches, volunteer as help for fetish events,
be involved. This serves two purposes. It gives you a local support
network and allows you to get a better idea of the reputations of the
people out there. Unfortunately, asking for references can be faked in
this day and age. Knowing the community is the best way to learn if
someone is safe.
11) If they've lied about age, height, weight, or
whether they have submissives
or a wife, I would just drop it right there. Lying about the first three
shows me that they're willing to lie about something insubstantial, which
makes me worry about how easy it would for them to lie about the big
stuff. The second two shows me that they're willing to lie to the most
important people in their lives, and they would not hesitate to lie to me
too. This is a lifestyle based on trust and if I'm going to put my life
your hands, goddammit I have to be able to trust you.
This is all that I can think of at
the moment. I'm sure others will have additions to the list. I'm sure some
will feel the need to flame me. Please understand these are my thoughts
and practices that have come about through my experiences. You mileage may
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Revised: November 06, 2012